Harry Potter: I'm in a WHAT!
by ZelotOneShotter
Summary: Write a story, it won't be hard they said, it'll be fun they said... well it might have been if the main character didn't TALK BACK TO ME as I wrote it! Alright I admit it, I broke the 4th Wall.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** so this is something that's popped into me head in the middle of the day and i thought 'Why not? my email for this account is called rabidplotbunny for a reason.

Key:

Thoughts - narrative

 **Thoughts -** author, the **in story** writer

"Thoughts" - character speak

* * *

 **We open the scene at a cupboard door under the stairs of 4 Privet Drive Surrey, an air vent and a bolt lock adorned on its structure where our protagonist lay on the dawn of August 31** **st** **. Our protagonist, one Harry James Potter lay in a curled heap as his body underwent the painful process of healing itself from a vicious round of 'Harry Hunting' from the previous day, the automatic biological process of healing bruises and micro fractures from Harry's cousin Dudley's fat handed blows to the sides of Harry's ribcage healing at an accelerated rate via a subconscious channeling of his magic-**

"Whoever the hell you are, could you please shut up! I'm tired and sore, and I have to get up soon to cook breakfast and I want to savor this period of peace as long as I can."

 **Huh, that wasn't supposed to happen, our protagonist spoke to me, that shouldn't be possible, though maybe it was something his mother did to him 10 years ago against Old Mould before she died.**

"The Hell do you know about my mum, my aunt and uncle say she died in a car crash."

 **And you actually believe that? After everything that was done to you by them, how much they've turnred the suburb againt you so your aunt and uncles treatment of you isn't thought of as criminal but as just deserved punishment?**

"Well no…."

 **Well then, as I was typing, err, saying, as I was saying-**

"Wait a second whoever you are! The heck did you say type for?! What the hell's going on?"

 **Oh crap, he heard that, well shit…. Oh well might as well tell the runt, after all, what could** _ **possibly**_ **go wrong?**

"I'm not a runt!"

 **Wow I touched a nerve there! I was going to tell you just be patient. *ahem* I'm a man sitting at a computer right now typing on a keyboard in Word, writing a story about Harry Potter of my own design, in short terms, this is a fanfiction about you where I can do whatever the hell I want to anyone and no one can stop me.**

"…."

 **I was setting the scene for the opening of my story in 3** **rd** **person perspective, zeroing the mental eyes of those that chose to read this story onto your current location and state of being when you** _ **talked back to me**_ **, that's not supposed to happen.**

"Huh, that's interesting. Could you tell me some more?"

 **Its highly frowned upon for the writer to talk to their characters in such a fashion outside of start and end of story authors notes… but since you somehow caught me out I don't see what the harm is, shoot.**

"Could you fix things so that my life isn't so crappy and my family don't hate me?"

 **Hmmm…**

* * *

AN: not so long a post i know, but this is an idea that I put to you, the readers of fanfiction, is such a story plausible?

The overall idea was for Harry to become the writer of his own world, essentially give Harry total autonomy over everything and see what Harry would do with it. and that wold also mean that Harry as the protagonist and focal character would read any and all reviews and comments and reply like one would in a 4th wall break.

i got the idea roughly from the South Park Episode where Cartman reads a Christmas story to his class that has those demonic critters that get Stan to kill the lion and Kyle assists in the birth of the Antichrist.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: A bit longer chapter, this trend will continue to a degree but it won't be all the time. Anything that anyone posts regarding this story will make it into the story, so if you review that adds length to the chapter, Al will tell Harry, and like a tamagotchi being praised I'm sure Harry will love it.

* * *

"So your telling me that my parents were killed by a man that got part of a prophecy foretelling my birth, and I was going to be the one that would circumstantially be his killer? And a man seen as the key figure in the whole of this country's magical community put me here because of how he thinks my mum saved my life? And that I was supposed to die and come back to life to do that?"

 **Very crudely put but yes that's it in a nutshell.**

"So what now, I mean it not as if you can actually make me do whatever you want right?" Harry asked before he suddenly banged his head on the 'roof' of his 'room'.

"The hell?!"

- **"…and Harry thrashed around as if his body was possessed."**

"Ow, ok that hurt; you made your point, I have no choice this is terrific, I have a dictator for a god."

 **I am not god, I'm a writer…which in this case…ok yes I am the god of this universe, this is gonna be sweet!**

"Don't I get any say in this?" Harry asked incredulously.

 **Well no, there's nothing stopping me from doing anything I want, I could have your aunt suddenly parade down the hallway in a string bikini and make you watch in excruciating detail if I wanted.** Harry blanched at that image.

 **But I don't think that any of those that click on the link to read this is gonna be pleased so I won't.** Harry let loose a sigh of relief, he did NOT want to go through anything like that.

"Could you, I don't know, rewrite my aunt and uncle to be nicer to me? Or rewrite them so that they at least don't hate magic?"

 **Well I'm primarily of the idea that your aunt is so hateful of magic in general due to extreme, and I stress that word ridiculously so, jealousy for not being magical herself. In fact she wrote a pleading letter to the Headmaster of Hogwarts begging to go to Hogwarts with her sister, that's one big reason the old man thinks that she is treating you well.**

"Well whoever the hell this guy is, he's a total dickhead." Harry deadpanned.

 **He is does have a mental condition for always having to be right about something and can never be told he's wrong. I did try looking up the defined name for that on the internet but the closest I got was Jackass Complex and somehow it doesn't fit…**

"I don't really give a damn, now that I know that my life is a story for your amusement I'm suddenly not in the mood to do anything." Harry said crossing his arms across his chest with a scowl.

"… **And suddenly Harry and the author became best friends!"**

"This is so awesome, my best friends God of my life!" Harry cried out with joy.

 **No, that is way too sudden, no one will like that, highlight text and…. Delete.**

"You know you're an asshole right?" Harry said bitingly.

 **It's still early days mate, you'll learn to get along with me soon whether or not you want to, it's called character development and it's important to every story in existence…though the author that wrote the cannon for this fandom in particular dropped the ball on some characters.**

"Do I want to know?" Harry asked a little scared of the answer.

 **Well let me put it this way, your dad married a redhead and your grandfather before that so many readers took that to mean that Potter men marry redheads, and in the cannon storyline of your life you marry the redhead sister of your best friend whom had a giant crush on you because of you being the Boy Who Lived. And she's one character that the lady that wrote your original story dropped the ball on in regards to character development, which is why so many people that read fanfiction like to bash her character so much.**

"I don't even know what to say to that…" Harry said totally dumbfounded. Harry shook his head. "We're getting off topic though…err, what do I call you?"

 **God.**

"No no no, try something else… that just doesn't sound right."

 **Fine, be a spoilsport, though I cold rewrite you to actually do that anyway I'm actually quite pleased with this rebellious streak you have. Should make for a more interesting story, 'Protagonist rebelling against the writer' or something of the like. Hmm that has potential…**

"Can you please stay focused?" Harry snapped.

 **Ok fine, my names Alexander, you can call me Al.**

"Al, huh ok then. Now about possibly changing my living conditions…" Harry asked hopefully.

 **Spontaneously changing scenery outside of a scene change is considered bad form, changes like that have to be done gradually, that's just how writing is mate.**

"So what can you do within these so called 'rules of writing stories'?"

 **I can completely shelve them and do whatever I want, sands the spelling and the grammar but that would make for bad reading, no one would read this if either of those were below high school standard, like I said earlier; ANYWAY I suppose I should let you out of this cupboard and into my world that I created for you.**

"Aren't you just the most gracious writer…" Harry muttered as the lock on the cop board door clicked open and he door swung open.

 **Oh Sweet! I got a review from a reader named megabytes, they say they like this! Aw and they added an X on the end too?! I suppose you can have that Harry, enjoy!**

Harry felt the distinct touch of a pair of lips cross his cheek, inflaming his face as blood flooded his head in embarrassment. Opening the door to the kitchen Harry's eyes caught sight of a full table of breakfast already prepared and waiting to be eaten.

"Thanks Al." Harry said quietly staring at the food that spontaneously appeared out of nowhere.

 **No problem mate, you're my protagonist, I have to look after you after all, I don't have a story if you die.**

* * *

AN: Alexander IS my name, just FWI.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** it's taken on a life of its own i tell ya!

* * *

It didn't take long for the wafting smell of freshly made food to draw the three Dursley's downstairs and to the kitchen. It was only just after the Dursley's had entered the door frame did Harry realise that there were FOUR seated plates of food on the table and his eyes widened in shock horror, he was never allowed to eat with them at the table.

'The hell did Al do that for?' Harry thought frantically as Petunia moved towards him, likely to nearly pull his ear off as she dragged him out of the room and thrown into his 'room'. So tense was he, that Harry tightened his body preparing to feel the inevitable pain, that Harry totally missed his auntie's demeanour and enveloped him in a hug the likes of which Harry had only ever dreamed of in his wildest fantasies; he had next to no memories of his parents at all so this was his first affectionate hug.

'… **and as auntie and nephew embraced the two blood relatives felt a pulse of power flow between them jolting them apart just as quick.' Hmm, no, that wouldn't work so well…highlight…delete.**

Harry watched as the world around him rewound itself till just as the Dursley three had entered the kitchen. Harry felt his heart drop into his gut, it was the most affection, or any positive feeling he could ever remember feeling from his aunt, and Al had just ripped that away from him.

"Al you're a bastard." Harry got out before he could help himself, and cringed as he realised that he had spoken out of turn in front of uncle Vernon. Without thinking Harry fled the room and ran from the room to his cupboard. Wrenching the door open Harry just about threw himself in there to **escape from the impact of his Uncle coming after him.**

 **Oh would you look at that, I got another review! This time from a person named jackfrostlovercandi93, says that the story I'm writing is cute and to update soon! I'm being noticed Harry, people are reading the story!**

"You're an asshole Al!" Harry spat back, his words coated with potent venom it made Al shiver, don't ask Harry how he knew the man did, he just knew.

 **Hey now, hey now, don't dream its over Harry there's still hope that I can do something, I am your god after all so as long as I can come up with something somewhat realistic with your family it will work out.**

Harry's glare at nothing just intensified.

 **Ok ok, how about this then…**

Harry felt his body go on autopilot, leaving the cupboard under the stairs and into the kitchen again here Harry saw no sign of his relatives.

"That doesn't make any sense, the breakfast is still on the table totally untouched, there's no way they would have left breakfast untouched, especially Dudley…" Harry looked on in confusion. Sounds of footsteps from upstairs got his attention, terror filling his body as his relatives entered the kitchen.

"Harry," Petunia said breaking him of his stream of thought and back to impending scene of doom he was feeling moments before. "Sit and eat, we need to have a serious talk, all four of us."

"… **Trepidation swelled throughout Petunia as she said these words, they were not going to be easy words to speak to her only nephew and only link she had of her little sister."**

'Oh god, what's Al doing now?' Harry thought miserably as he did as he was told.

The room was uncomfortably quiet for Harry, sans the sound of uncle Vernon and Dudley's loud chewing there was no other noise made. Harry squirmed uncomfortably on his seat, this was completely alien for him, his aunt had never acted like this before and it as scaring him quite a bit.

'Well, I did ask Al to change how they treated me, guess I'm getting what I asked for…'

Only ten minutes later when Dudley had demolished the breakfast in front of him and licked his plate clean of any remaining morsel of food as the silence broken.

"Ten years ago you were left on our doorstep in the middle of the night wrapped in nothing but a blanket, with a letter written in curly writing explaining why. Your mother and I were good friends when we were little-"

 **No this isn't working either, jeez you'd think writing a redeemable Petunia would be easier than this but nooooooooo, why did Rowling have to write such a horse for a character, and why did I decide to even try to redeem Petunia in the first place. Highlight aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand delete.**

Harry watched as the world rewound itself, Harry feeling the food that he had only just eaten reverse its digestive process and reform on his plate, his body returning to before he had left the stairs cupboard.

"What the hell Al?! Do you have any idea what that felt like?!" Harry exclaimed.

 **Well no, and I hadn't thought about it in the slightest what you would have felt, hey wait a second, you remember that what just happened? The monologue that I was writing for your aunt to say? You remember it?**

"Of course I remember it! Why wouldn't I?"

 **Well I deleted it from my Word document and wrote over it again with something else, removing that from the story, how the hell do you remember that which I removed from the story?**

"The hell should I know you asshole!"

 **Oh crap, I think I know what's going on, your 4th wall breaking thingy is exempting you from my story editing and rewriting, every time I write something and delete it, you actually remember the stuff that was deleted. This might present a problem for you.**

"Why's that?"

 **I rarely write stories in a stream of consciousness fashion, anyone that writes anything fiction based can't really do that because they always write something that they don't like and rewrite it, if you remember every scenario that I ever write you into then that means that…**

"I'm in hell, I have to live though everything you imagine to write up." Harry wailed in misery, understanding his circumstance.

 **This would not be so bad if you weren't a 4th wall breaker you know that right?**

"What does that even mean?" Harry asked morosely.

 **What, to break the fourth wall?**

"Yes that."

 **The** **Fourth Wall** **is a theatrical term for the imaginary "** **wall** **" that exists between actors on stage and the audience. I suppose in this case it refers to the writer and the characters of their story. It's only supposed to be don in theatre and movies, I have no idea how the hell it happened during a written story, let alone a story that isn't even finished.**

"Didn't you say earlier that it might've been something my mum did 10 years ago? How he hell can something like that influence _this_?" Harry asked waving his arms all around him.

 **I thought it would be an interesting thing to attempt something unique that your mum did to save your life, then it kinda took on a life of its own resulting in** **this** **, or rather** _ **you**_ **. But now that I know every rewrite or deletion of a scene that I attempt you actually live though that presents a problem.**

"Why is that?"

 **Because you're still in the cupboard from the opening scene of the story, I scrapped the whole breakfast thing entirely.**

"What the hell man, you mean to tell me you put me though all that for nothing?!"

 **Pretty much. I didn't have a very well thought out plan for your pre-Hogwarts era, your 4** **th** **wall breaking pretty much threw out all the plans that I had for this story so I can't even do those anymore.**

"I don't want to know, I don't want to know…" Harry moaned in despair as the reality of his situation settled in.

 **Maybe I could beg my readers to suggest a means to move this along…**

"They'd probably suggest something far better than you could ever imagine writing, and they'd probably put me though less hell than you have, and we haven't even known each other for all that long."

 **Chill out little buddy, things will get better eventually, you'll see.**

* * *

 **AN:** you heard Harry, he needs help, Al can't write him out of the cupboard without a rewrite, its kinda like Groundhog Day in a way.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: chapter 4, who'd have thought?**

Key:

Thoughts - narrative

 **Thoughts -** author, the **in story** writer

"Thoughts" - character speak

Thoughts \- Reviews

* * *

 **Help me with something Harry.**

"Why the hell would I want to do that? I'm still stuck in this cupboard!" Harry vehemently replied.

 **Chill out, this might make you feel better. I've been getting more hits on the story and a few people have reviewed, just this last update I got 3 more-**

"Hold on! You're telling me that you write this in bits and pieces? That my future doesn't even exist yet?"

 **Yessssssss, I thought that we had already established that this was a fanfiction story. Anyway, as I was saying, you remember jackfrostlovercandi93? They reviewed again, this is a record for me, the same person reviewed a story of mine a second time! *ahem* as I was saying though, they said that this was a funny story, can you imagine that?**

"Noooooo, I couldn't possibly see how you messing around with my life could be anything the least bit funny." Harry griped, his head in his hands.

 **Well it's listed under a parody category so I was kind of going for funny…. Anyway as I was saying, they want you to know that your aunt knew a man named Severus Snape, they were childhood neighbours.**

"Joy…I can only imagine what this man is like if he knew my aunt." Harry deadpanned.

 **Maybe you ought to write him a letter, that's what jackfrostlovercandi93 suggested. That is if you could get a hold of some paper and a pen.**

The two aforementioned items spontaneously appeared in front of Harry startling the small boy.

 **While you think about writing a letter to a total stranger I'll continue with the reviews and the next 2 are quite good because it addresses a few things that might just make your life a little better.**

"Oh yeah, like what? That you're a terrible author?"

 **Oh your magic must be channelling a Seers! That's almost exactly what I took from that review, that my writing was lacking in certain things.**

"Oh yeah, like what?"

 **Well first this reviewer was a guest, a feature I allowed just because I didn't want to hurt my chances of people giving me feedback. For the last chapter a person whom labelled themselves IPod Reader** **,** **Interesting, I can wait for more, though youll need a few plot adjustments, more background details, and a lot of free time just to finish writing this story to completion; can't wait!**

"Can't argue with that, you haven't done much regarding my background now have you? You haven't done much at all really… And plot adjustments, you don't even know where this story is going! And talk about free time, if you're going to delete and rewrite scenes at the speed we're going at, you'll have to quit your job just to have the time to write it all out."

 **Well for your information Mr Bash the Author of Your Story, I'm a disabled man living fortnight to fortnight on a pension so I have all the free time I could possibly want to write this story, on top of my other stories.**

"Hang on, your telling me that you have more stories written about me?" Harry asked incredulously.

 **Oh yeah, I have…hmm let's see… including this one… 8 fics of the Harry Potter variety. But in all of those, you don't talk back to me as I wrote them, or are writing them as some of them aren't finished.**

"Why the heck did you start writing this one then? Why drag me through this hell?"

 **My authors name for the website I publish on is ZelotOneShotter, when I get an idea I can't help but write it down and I guess I get a little side-tracked in the process and my other works get shelved for a bit. I write this for fun with no ulterior motives. Anyway Ipod reader reviewed again not long after that.**

 **New plot... Well have you ever watched groundhog day? You got the idea from south park of all things, draw a web in a piece of pape, with a plot. You'll need an antagonist, a protagonist, a comic relief, a sub plot, a climax and a conclusion.** **  
****The farthest JKRowling goes back in Harry's life is when he's being drooped off at the dursleys and dialog starts in his cousins 11th birthday. Before harry recieces his letters. So far your sub plot as berry being a "jaw breaker" is fun to play around with, but what would you do if you had Harry's magic and potential?**

"Huh?"

 **Eh, I don't really get it all either. I was going to set these points up as I went, and I'm not too bad at that I think, but then you broke the 4** **th** **wall and then things turned to shit.**

"Hey, don't blame this on me!" Harry retorted hotly. "You're the one writing this thing you call a story!"

 **The POINT is, that this is a fanfiction, and there are hundreds of thousands of Harry Potter fanfics, more than half of all of those slash fics.**

"No, please tell me that isn't true." Harry whimpered.

 **Can't so that, there's just something about guy on guy relations that gets woman going, something about escapism and whatnot. But I digress from the point I was making-**

"You had a point in all that?" Harry quipped weakly.

 **Quiet you. Yes my point was that my story is being recognised. I felt it only right to share them with you now seeing as you know what you're in for now. Anyway, let's get things going, try to get you out of this cupboard without rewriting the scene and starting from the cupboard again. That's IPod reader Groundhog Day reference if you didn't catch on.**

"Seeing as I am never allowed to watch the TV how could I possibly know that?"

 **It's a movie about a guy that relives the same 24 hours over and over again until something momentous happens to break the loop, kind of how you keep ending up back in this cupboard after every scene wipe. Anyway let's move along, as Ipod reader said, the series started on your cousin's birthday, the same day that your Hogwarts letter shows up as a matter of fact, isn't that a coincidence.**

"I get mail today?" Harry asked lifting his head out of his hands for the first time in the last few moments.

 **Weren't you listening to anything I said before? About the man that killed your parents, the old man that left you on this houses doorstep, remember all of that?**

"I remember most of it, but it still feels strange, I feel a little stunned with everything you told me… not that any of that will happen this time…right?" Harry asked hopefully.

 **Sure sure, we'll see where my muse takes me. Right, off to breakfast!**

"Joy…" Harry deadpanned as he left the cupboard and walked, shoulders slumped, to the kitchen. So see it spotless, not a speck of food to be seen.

 **Oh right, oops. Maybe you want to go write Snape a letter now?**

"AL!"

* * *

AN: another post and i still haven't even gotten to the Hogwarts letter yet, oh my!


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Here we are again, if you hadn't realised it by now, I copy/paste reviews exactly as they are into the story and Harry hears it all.**

 ****^-^** will mean scene wipes from now on**

* * *

Harry hastily begged Al to replicate the breakfast setup before the Dursley's came downstairs as he did the last time.

 **Sure sure, I don't see why I can't do it again, I did take up the time you would have used making it, talking to you so I suppose I owe you that much.**

Within a blink, without a flash or sound the table was loaded with breakfast, Harry letting loose a sigh of relief.

 **Oh cool, I got some more feedback from my readers!**

"Can't wait to hear this." Harry muttered under his breath.

 **I this ones from a new reader AnathemaRising**

 **Now just imagine how much chaos would ensue if Harry started writing his own story in a notebook, and it started influencing you.**

And, have you decided if you are going to mention fanfic cliches yet? ;-)

"Fanfic cliché's like what?" Harry asked, regretting the question as soon as he asked it.

 **You, and I mean you the Series not the person, are flooded with so many fanfiction stories and cliché's that it would be impossible for me to go through them all. Suffice to say that there are stories of your suddenly becoming overpowered, an emo, a hateful person to everyone, going evil because of the scar from Voldemort on your head making you go psycho, you as a ladies man, you suddenly becoming friends with the goblins when they hate everyone else, there's the love triangle cliché, Lily Potter had a secret affair cliché, the Ice Queen cliché, marriage law cliché, the veela mate cliché, Draco is a male veela cliché *gag* the Soul bond cliché, stories where you get an item of some incredible power or significance, the gender bending protagonist, the shapeshifting Harry. The list is near endless, I'm sure I'll get a review pointing out a cliché I missed in the aforementioned list but if I went ahead and tried to list them ALL we wouldn't leave this scene for ages and your relatives have just shown up.**

"For once, I'm glad that they showed up…" Harry shuddered as several of those options flew through his mind's eye, shivering at what his mind concocted from what Al just told him. Granted he didn't understand it all but still…

Vernon gave the table setup a once over before turning to Harry.

"Get the mail." He commanded. Harry ducked his head and did as he was told. The mail was pushed through the mail slip on the door so Harry saw it resting on the ground just in front of the door.

There were 4, three addressed to Number 4 Privet Drive Mr Dursley and one addressed to Cupboard under the Stairs Harry J Potter. Harry took one look at the delicate written writing on the envelope and crushed it in his hands.

 **Warning, you are entering Emo cliché territory, do you want to proceed?**

"Shut up…" Harry growled, walking back to the kitchen and giving Vernon his mail. Still stuffing his face with food Dudley somehow still saw the scrunched up letter in Harry's fist.

"Dad look! Harry's got a letter!" the bulbous boy tattled. Vernon rounded on Harry, his eyes narrowed and his hand outstretched. Harry carelessly tossed the scrunched up letter at the much larger man and sat to eat.

 **Oh hey, another review of the last chapter! From Ipod reader again, this is some kind of record, 3 reviews from the same reader, didn't think I'd ever write a story that could keep people's attention this long. Anywho, Ipod reader's review says thus:**

 **This is going to be fabulous! Update soon please!**

 **Well they are certainly eager for more, suppose my reflections on their last 2 reviews soured their desire to add anything extra, oh well, next time perhaps.**

"That's it, nothing else?"

"The hell you talking about boy?" Vernon yelled.

"I'm complaining about how after all this time of nothing from anyone, I get a letter questionably addressed to a cupboard of all things and-"

**^-^** Wipe **^-^**

Harry was holding the mail in his hands again, at the front door.

'Asshole…' Harry thought. 'Obviously my letter is hard for him to write out a confrontation with my relatives.'

 **Ping! Another review! This ones from Jackfrostlovercadi93 again too! Woot!**

 **haha agine very funny if its easier call me cadi as im a girl and im disabled as well! I need to take some pointers from u to write a story.. Anyways yea so now after harry has written to sev, severus gose to Dumbledore and they go see harry only to find that his so called "family" have been abbuseing him and take him away only Dumbledore is really he who must not be named in decise (my spelling is awful btw) and voldie has Dumbledore hidden but nobody knows till later**

 **Ping! And another one! I feel so recognised right now. This ones from another anonymous reader, called themselves akuma.**

 **Al, did you just seriously (not barring the pun) tell a ten to eleven year old about guy action slash? Thank God that you didn't bring up crossovers, all we need is a Supernatural or Sherlock fandom to be plopped in to make poor Harry look like the offspring of Luna Lovegood and Lord Hindenburg...**

"Hey yeah, what the hell were you thinking telling me about all that?" Harry demanded as he turned to return to the kitchen.

"What do I have to do for you not to reset? And when were you going to tell me about crossovers?"

 **The Scene, that's what I call them, has to** _ **feel**_ **right otherwise I'm not happy about it and I wipe it from the story**. **I'll tell you about crossovers another time.**

There was a few seconds of silence before Harry had a spark of remembrance.

"Hey, weren't you going to make my relatives nicer?" Harry asked freezing at the kitchen door.

 **It has to be realistic, I could just write in that Vernon and Petunia had a change of heart but that wouldn't sit well, there'd be no explanation…. But maybe….hmmm…but I already tried that… no… no, definitely no. Sorry Harry I can't think up anything that would swing your relatives in a realistic way.**

"You've got to be kidding me…" Harry face-palmed.

 **Well I suppose I could ask people to submit their ideas on how they could change their minds, even if it was just one of them, to date this story has gotten 436 hits with 9 reviews, that's something like 2% return. Maybe if you beg, like really pathetically like Dudley would to Petunia to get more presents on his birthday, to the people that choose to read this, you might have a chance, as it is however your kind of stuck with things the way they are.**

Harry's shoulders sagged in defeat and returned to the kitchen…eating area place.

'It was worth a shot…' he though dejectedly.

* * *

 **AN: so close to the letter yet so far away, how will this end?! Oh the horror!**

 **And yes, I know I missed a lot of cliche's, if you want to torment Harry some more, tell him a few that I didn't. XD**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Longer than ever, thanks much to those that reviewed, your comments are reflected on below.**

* * *

Just as Harry entered the room, just crossing the doorframe Harry saw his uncle's hand freeze as his fork touched his mouth.

'Oh crap…' was his only thought before Al's voice cut in, just as he knew it would.

 **Harry! We're getting even more responses! And I froze the world just before you spoke to your relatives just so you could hear it and influence you just how you want to act towards them, like an old, long beared man you'll meet soon!**

"And this is always so much fun…" Harry muttered sarcastically.

 **ANYway, this ones from a reader named… Saturn10710**

 **Oh wow, this is so funny! It's such an interesting story idea!** **  
** **Well as far as the Dursleys having a change of heart...well...** **  
** **For sure Vernon is not going to have a change of heart. Not even gradually with character development. It doesn't fit his character to do that.**

"Well shit." Harry grimaced, this cut that dream to shreds.

 **Ahem, continuing,**

 **I think the most might just be, say, to gradually over the years stop tormenting and yelling at Harry and just leaving him alone and becoming apathetic towards him and ignoring him even.**

"Well, I suppose that's better than nothing." Harry sighed.

 **Stop interrupting my review reveal! This is the longest one I'll probably ever receive so let me bath in its majesticness.**

"I'm not even finished school and I know that's not a word." Griped Harry.

 **SHUT IT! *AHEM***

 **Or maybe, after Harry gets the letter, Vernon decides to give up on trying to squeeze the magic out of him and just let him go to that "freak school." It'll be good riddance, right? Vernon won't have to deal with Harry for a whole school year!**

"The hell? Why didn't you just say that part?! I know you've cut other reviews up before!" Harry cried out in outrage.

 **I WILL MUTE YOU IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH!**

 **Petunia, however, may be more flexible to work with. She's jealous of Lily, but maybe she's started to regret not being close with her sister before she died? And she realized that she shouldn't do the same thing to her son? But no matter how you put it, realistically it's practically impossible for either Vernon or Petunia to have a complete change of heart and treat Harry like their son. Or even nicely.**

"Well fuck my life…" Harry said dumbly realizing seconds later that he hadn't heard his words and that Al had gone through withhis threat and muted him. Taking advantage of the stasis of the world Harry through a tanty for the 1st time in a looooong time without the fear of betting the living hell beaten out of him for it. A minute and a half later when Harry's anger induced adrenaline left his system Harry was a crumpled heap on the floor. **  
** **But I think since Dudley is only 11 years old now he has a lot more potential for changing. Although, it wouldn't make sense for him to suddenly treat Harry nicely, since he's just a spoiled brat at this age haha, but maybe over the school year or over a few years Dudley matures a bit and realizes he's been a bully. I don't know.**

 **There you go Harry, an olive branch, you might find something good out of this after all, albeit not without a lack of effort and trying to fight the mindset that Diddykins parents instilled in him towards you. Anyway back to the review!**

 **I'm sorry for this ridiculously long review and if you didn't read it...well I'm hoping you read it! XD** **  
** **Update soon! I'm really enjoying this story so far!**

 **See Harry, your famous! Oh that's right…I muted you for your constant interruptions, it was for your own good you know.**

"Bite me." Harry spat back. "So after all that my options are still shit, all because of this… letter…hang on…" smoothing out the letter still in his hands and opening the envelope Harry began to read. After a minute of reading the curly script Harry's eyes lit up. "This just says I've been accepted, nothing about having to go, I can choose not to and avoid this circus!"

 **No actually, you DO have to, your entire book series is based around that school, so you have to go. Furthermore, I'll force you to go if I have to, you know I can do it, I am after all the author of this story and your god.**

Harry's shoulders, which had lifted with this brief flash of optimism, slumped back down, his hopes of avoiding all this bullshit dying in a fiery wreck.

"You are a total asshole."

 **Sticks and stones Harry, anyway let's get this letter to your relatives and watch, probably, the biggest eruption from Vernon in your entire life, or maybe not, I'm still thinking about what Saturn said, we'll see.**

Seamlessly the world began to move again, Vernon's fat mouth closing on a forkful of food. Muttering obscenities at Al Harry put the mail on the table and cleared his throat to get his relatives attention.

"Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon…my letter came today." The adult sets of eyes locked onto him.

"What?" Petunia hissed back.

"My Hogwarts letter came today, on Dudley's birthday no less. Sorry to break this to you but magic is real, and despite the fact that you've tried to beat it out of me Uncle, I still have it. Looking back on it, telling me over and over that magic didn't exist, I should have realized it before now that you were lying to me-"

**^-^** Wipe **^-^**

Harry was back on the floor where he was moments ago before he started speaking.

'You bloody bastard…' Harry mentally seethed as he picked himself up.

"Aunt Petunia, after breakfast, can I speak to you please?" Harry asked, trying his best not to sound pleading.

"What about, if this is about coming to the zoo-" Petunia started to rant, Harry cut her off handing her his letter. Petunia took one look at the crest on the envelope and snatched it from his hands.

"Where did this come from?" she demanded.

"Was with the other mail I just gave you. Thought you might want to know that I already read it, took me a while but I got through all that curly writing."

"You what?!" Petunia's voice hitched, Vernon snatching the letter from Petunia's hands to read it for himself.

"This is a joke boy, there is no such thing as magic!" he bellowed ripping the letter to shreds.

"Both of you know that's not true uncle, my mum was a witch and I'm a wizard, a person, a human being, that can use magic. I understand now that you were trying to get it out of me but that," pointing at the shreds of parchment in front of Vernon. "Should tell you that you failed."

Vernon's face was cycling through various shades as Harry spoke.

"You listen here, you ungrateful whelp, there will be none of that nonsense here."

"You can't beat it out of me Uncle, like it or not, you're stuck with it, plus it's a boarding school; Aunt Petunia can assure you I'll be gone nearly a whole year where you wouldn't have to put up with me." Vernon's eyes gleamed at the possibilities that presented him. "All I need is a few lifts, to get my supplies and a lift to the train station and I'll be out of your life till summer."

"And they won't come here?"

 **Ping! Got another review! Oh but this has stuff in it that will affect the course of events *sigh*, oh well in for a penny out for a pound.**

"From what I gathered from that letter, they might; after all what would people think if a letter was addressed to Cupboard under the stairs?" Harry replied, trying his best to ignore Al. "I'll let you two talk about it, I'll be going back to the hole you stuffed me into." A moment later the stairs cupboard opened and closed again.

 **Ah well, no huge explosion, can't be helped really; shame it wasn't all that funny.**

"There's no way you could make something like that funny, Al."

 **Oh he of little faith, a pair of twins you'll meet soon might just change your mind on that. Want to hear the review now, since your back in this hole?**

"Sure go ahead, not like I could stop you." Harry said, pulling his knees up to his chest.

 **This ones from Karko666,**

 **Please don't make harry hate slytherins they can be powerful allies once you get their loyalty. Please and thanks;)**

"Slytherins…that's the Hogwarts snake house right?"

 **Yep**.

"Why would I hate them?"

 **A few reason, 1, Draco Malfoy, an obnoxious snob the same age as you that goes on about social class, coz that's a big deal in magical society. 2. The man that killed your parents and tried to kill you drew most of his supporters from that house, a lot of that man's supporters have kids around your age. 3. The head of that house is Snape, you know the guy that lived in the same street at your mum and aunt when they were growing up that grew up loathing your father, whom will only see you as a miniature version of your father who tormented Snape throughout their school years and can't get over it.**

"Wow, ok then; still I don't see how that would make me hate an entire group of people, maybe a few of them but all of them? That's a bit of a stretch, I'm not my uncle."

 **Your friends you made kind of exacerbated the issue a bit too.**

"Exacer-what? Speak English that I can understand." Complained a confused Harry.

 **Exacerbate, it means to make worse; you know I just realized that Hogwarts doesn't have any kind of English class to help its students learn essential skills like reading and writing, or even just to enhance those primary skills; that's pretty poor for a school don't you think?**

Harry thought back to all he times he was running away from Dudley and his gang instead of practising his reading and writing and grimaced, he knew because of all that his reading and writing weren't up to scratch. Then Al's words registered in his mind.

"What about my friends, what did they do to make things worse?" Harry demanded.

 **Well your first friend, not naming names, is from an all Gryffindor family that subscribe, oh wait that's a big word *ahem*, _believe_ in the idea that all Slytherins' are bad or evil; and nothing will change their views on that; pretty narrow minded if you ask me. The opposite is true for the Slytherins' to Gryffindors', theyre all light families and kiss Albus Dumbledore's butt, essentially the Old Man's little church of fanatic worshippers.**

"Why did I become friends with this guy?" Harry asked.

 **Personally, I think he will actually looking for you on the train because you're the BWL.**

"Bacon with Lettice?" crickets started to sound all around him. "Oh right Boy Who Lived, I remember now; why not just say that?"

 **Bit of a mouthful.**

"Yeah I don't like it already, I've been Freak and Boy for so long that Boy Who Lived will grate on me a lot, I can just feel it…just great."

 **Warning, entering into Emo territory yet again, do you want to proceed?**

"Screw you Al." Harry barked back.

 **Fine then, then I won't tell you this next review I just got.**

"What, no Ping noise?"

 **Ah that, that's just for theatre, no purpose whatsoever.**

"So you've been doing that all this time just to annoy me?" Harry asked, a tick developing on his brow.

 **If you want to look at it that way… anyway it kind of sets the mood for this review, might change your outlook, you never know. This readers name is** **StratocasterInTheStratospere.**

 **Let me see how can I describe how great this is..Aha! It's !AMAZING!. No not great enough,** **  
** **hmm maybe !SPECTACULAR!** **  
** **nope wait !ULTIMATE!...naa...hmmm...** **  
** **!SENSATIONAL!.eh nope,not at all,hmmm.** **  
** **Ok now I got it it's...!SUPERIOR!** **  
** **Smiley face** **  
** **Winking face** **  
** **Thumbs up** **  
** **Clapping** **  
** ***Just in case you can't see the emojis* :)**

"What the hell are emojis?!"

* * *

 **AN: This one not so funny unfortunately, can't make the talking walrus and giraffe very funny, and i just realised, i totally cut Dudley out of the scene, should fix that next chapter... somehow.**


	7. Chapter 7

AN: I'm back after a brief break, life's curve balls being what they are.

Enjoy!

* * *

 **Well, emoji's are, as defined by Google, praise thee, as a small digital image used to express an idea or emotion in digital communication. You know of mobile phones? Well imagine a tiny face or expression of a face in the form of letters or characters.**

"Huh?"

 **Ok let's try this again, I forget the year you're set in sometimes can make things confusing… how about this take this pen and paper and draw what I say where I say it.**

A pen and paper appeared out of thin air in front of Harry, who took it readily.

 **Ok now draw a colon, that's two dots like on a digital clock like so…**

Harry drew two dots.

 **Now draw a dash in front of the colon.**

Harry drew.

: -

 **No no no, not like that, like you were spelling in a word, not that big a gap…**

 **:-**

 **Yes like that. What does that look like to you?**

"Nothing."

 **Right then, draw a closing bracket, which means the right side of a circle or half a letter O.**

"I'm not stupid Al." Harry griped as he did as instructed.

:-)

 **Was just making sure, anyway what does it look like to you now? Tilt your head to the left if it helps.**

"I see a smiley face…oh I get it now!"

 **Congratulations, you have advanced in techno mumbo jumbo before your time I'll teach you the other ones at another time, you have company.**

"Hmm yeah sure…" Harry was cut off from saying anything more when the cupboard door was wrenched open, Vernon's bulbous face and twitching moustache staring at him with the typical dislike. Vernon moved back as Harry exited.

"Petunia and I have decided to let you go to this _freak_ school, on top of that your moving upstairs to Dudley's second bedroom, after you clear it out." With his words said, Vernon talked off leaving Harry alone outside the cupboard.

 **Sounds as if** _ **someone's**_ **afraid of being caught out on unfair treatment of a minor, what with an address like 'Cupboard under the stairs' and all that, doesn't it Harry? You're moving up in the world, quite literally, HA! See what I did there? I made a pun, your moving UPstairs from being UNDER the stairs.**

"Your jokes are so bad…" Harry muttered back as he climbed the stairs and turning to go to his new 'room', where Dudley was waiting for him.

"This is STILL my room Potter, your just living in it until I get it back." He said, thumping past Harry through the doorframe knocking the bespectacled boy on his rear with a thump.

Angry at being knocked over, Harry righted himself and punched Dudley as hard as he could on the back of the boy's large head, staggering the blubber butt. Harry's grin at the strike was short lived when he realized just how little that blow had hurt the bulbous boy.

"You'll pay for that, freak!" Dudley cried out before he started laying into the smaller boy, the thuds of his ham like fists bashing into Harry's flesh fortunately not drawing the attention of the two adults downstairs.

 **This isn't going anywhere…**

 ****^-^** Wipe **^-^****

Harry was back on the ground, just after Dudley had knocked him down. Thinking better of trying that again Harry let the fat boy continue moving till he was out of the hallway.

'Wait a moment, I don't feel any pain…' a grin sprouted on his face as the realization on how these wipes worked sifted into his brain. 'I remember the events, but don't feel the pain from them afterwards, this could be handy for later, I just have to somehow get Al to Wipe when I want him to.'

Harry got off the floor and entered the smallest room of the house, it was, in Harry's eyes, the perfect reflection of Dudley's outward appearance of a piglet, which was to say, a pigsty. Thinking of Dudley brought to mind a review Al told him just before about his family changing their attitude towards him.

"And that reviewer said that Dudley might be the only nice one in the family given time, hard to see that." He muttered as he entered the bedroom to start cleaning.

'Though I did kind of hit him first…anyway, better start cleaning…'

 **You would think after breaking so many things, so often, that a child's parents would have a talk with their child about breaking things that were bought for them. Even failing that, not throwing something that was broken, in the bin right away, that's just bad housekeeping.**

"Well Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were never going to win any awards for raising kids." Harry replied bitterly.

 **Oh come on, stop acting like a little bitch about that, you know now that they're never going to like you, unless I do something to completely change their character, which I won't coz that would just be wrong.**

Harry opened his mouth to speak.

 **Nope, don't even start the begging, while this IS a fan fiction story there are still elements of story writing one has to follow, keeps the readers… well, reading. If something is** _ **too**_ **unbelievable they stop reading and that's the end of that. No one reads the story, it goes unfinished due to lack of reader traffic and the lack of feedback, lack of feedback means no muse… no muse means no typing on my behalf. And if that happens, well let's just say that your whole life will exist in a type of limbo. So if you're going to beg for anything, beg for more people to review so you have people other than yours truly to speak to, offer suggestions on how your life could get better and so on.**

Harry just sulked, manly as possible.

 **Speaking of reviews, as the last chapter posted was the sixth one, I have some feedback from that one. Siax' review was swift and to the point, ahem.**

 **Loving the story so far it will be neat to see what you do at Hogwarts cause you could essentially make Draco any other house after all Draco isn't cunning or resourceful and ambition is to easy of a trait after all trying to solve world hunger is ambitious and it would be nice to see you tweak the story to thwart any plans prematurely.**

"Wow, Siax really doesn't like this Draco guy…" Harry said amazed. "Kind of makes me weary of meeting the guy with stuff like that said about him." Harry said honestly.

 **You would be surprised exactly how many fics there are that couple you with this guy in slash fics…**

Harry cringed at the thought.

"Please don't bring that up again, ever." Begged Harry as he started sorting through all the broken contraptions within the smallest bedroom of Number 4 Privet Drive Surrey.

And he sorted.

And sorted.

Sorted again.

Again.

And again.

Tick tock.

Tick… tock.

Tick…. tock.

 **Nope this is boring *Snap***

All the rubbish and junk items vanished into thin air.

 **You were going to take too long to get through all that crap, better for the story to move things along. Oh hey, another Review from** **StratocasterInTheStratospere, what a nice reader to review again.**

 **I just came up with a new title:!FANTASTIC!x4  
:-) The $ Will Roll Right In**

 **P.S**  
 **Hey hi Harry you should seriously introduce Hogwarts to !PIZZA!**

"Well at least they're happy… oh and Strato, I can call you that right, well too bad if you won't let me I'll call you that anyway. I've never had pizza before, even if I _wanted_ to introduce pizza to Hogwarts, I wouldn't know _how_. Although I might just get a chance to eat some if… no, _when_ , I decide to talk Uncle Vernon into taking me to this place to get my supplies for school."

 **How are you going to manage that?**

"I'll just tell him the sooner he does this, the sooner he can be rid of me, which should be good enough to get him to agree." Harry answered.

 **True enough that might just work. Oh hey just remember, if you go eat pizza, whenever you go shopping, it's a very greasy food; meaning don't leave trace of it on you when you come back here, whenever you go. Your aunt will go nuts, your cousin will throw a bitch fit he didn't get any and your uncle will throttle you for causing the drama in the first place.**

"Noted."

 **Oh yeah, got another bit or feedback! Woot! This is a new one too! Reader's name is MrPosbi.**

Harry face palmed. The names some readers used to review were totally ridiculous to him.

 **You know you could get Harry out by the good old"Bad guys attack,kill the Durseys,torture Harry and think him dead" method?** **  
** **And you NEED to introduce him to My Immortal,just for shits and giggles ;)**

"Could you get that guy to tell you what he means exactly? I mean I wouldn't be too caught up if the Dursley's were killed really….hang on, he said the 'good old', how often does that happen in other stories?" Harry demanded.

 **More than you'd think, I reckon it's a standard feeling of most readers of your series, that just about everyone hates the Dursley's. I'd be very surprised to hear if there were people that didn't hold even just a great dislike towards the Dursley's for how they treated you, or children in general, with your cousin as the other example.**

"What does he mean by 'introduce me to My Immortal'?" Harry asked incredulously.

 **Don't know, to tell you the truth, it could be a story idea, a story title or a series for crossover purposes…with no real context I can't really say what that means.**

"Speaking of crossovers, you promised to tell me what that meant." Harry said, crossing his arms.

 **Fine! If it'll get you compliant I'll tell you. A crossover, as the word implies, crosses one series, namely your own with another one that exists, say a movie series such as Star Wars. Doing such will bring in characters from that universe or aspects of it like The Force into your own. Do you understand?**

"Mixing two series that have nothing to do with each other, together into one, I got it. **"**

 **I'm surprised you didn't ask me what Star Wars was.**

"I may not have seen it, but I've heard of it enough when I was at school, between running from Dudley and his goons and playing stupid at school so my grades were worse than Dudley's."

 **At least you don't have to do that when you get to Hogwarts, really do everything you can to excel because those seven years at Hogwarts will be the key to your future, coz magical education doesn't have Universities or Colleges or any kind of third tier study for jobs and the like. There isn't really all that many jobs in the magical world, now that I think about it; and a lot of getting jobs float around blood status, if you're not a pure blood or at least a half blood magical getting a job anywhere is really hard, if not impossible.**

"Oh joy, pray tell, what category am I in?" Harry queried.

 **You would be classed, in the magical hierarchy, as a half blood which will put you at odds with a lot of the pure blooded people within magical society.**

"And I have no choice but to go…just great." Harry grumbled, though his face changed after a moment, as if he had just reached an epiphany. "Well the lot of them can go get stuffed, I'm not playing by their rules! That goes for you too Al! I'm doing things my way, no matter how many times you Wipe a scene I will do what I want from now on, this is my story."

 **Oh really? Hmm, this might just get interesting after all. Alright then Harry, what exactly are you thinking?**

* * *

AN: So yea, thats that, not very progressive i know, i am trying to move things along but you wouldn't believe how hard it can be to come up with and write this off the top of my head.

R&R


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Fast paced, this one, was on a roll.

* * *

Doing as he said he would, Harry was able to convince Vernon to take him to central London. Luckily way back when, at the start of the day, Al told him of his life story [see, canon] Harry remembered what he said about Diagon Alley and where it was, so Harry found himself walking down the street to the Leaky Cauldron.

After being told by Al he was a known face in the magical world because of his scar, Harry had done his best to style his fringe to hide the damn thing before he opened the door to the inn, he as not ready to be widely recognised yet.

Harry shuffled his way through the people till he got to the barman.

"Excuse me, sir. Might you be able to open the door to Diagon Alley?" Harry gave the barman his Hogwarts acceptance letter as proof. Then his eyes widened. "Please don't say who I am out loud, I don't want to be noticed just yet." He whispered.

Tom the barman's eyes widened when he saw who the letter was addressed to, his hand over his chest to, supposedly, calm himself.

"Right you are, young man. Follow me." Tom led Harry to the wall and tapped the bricks that opened the passage.

 **That was nicely handled. Let's see how long you can stay incognito in the Alley though.**

"There you go, young man. If you wouldn't mind a helpful hint, go to the big white pillared building first, that's the bank where all your money is; none of the shops here will accept muggle currency." Tom advised.

"Got it, thank you for your help." Harry made his way quickly to Gringotts. Met with a really long line to the tellers.

 **And then we play the Waiting Game.**

 **-Skip 47 minutes of waiting-**

Harry finally got to the front of the line, his face marred with an unhappy expression.

 **You don't think that maybe the goblin's intentionally had long lines and made you wait so long because they didn't like you guys or something…**

"Yes?" the teller asked grumpily, the goblin looking ugly as ever, not that that was hard given that they were goblins.

"I need to make a withdrawal, though someone else has my key, so I need a different means of access or another key made." Harry told the goblin, whose natural scowl began deepening when Harry said he had no key on him.

"Without your key you will need a blood identifying check, we do not accept false claims." The goblin turned his head on a perfect half circle till Harry was looking at the very back of the Goblin's head as it shouted something in its native tongue, before turning his head right around again to look at Harry. Another goblin, similarly dressed as the teller but with a different colour scheme approached the teller.

"Follow this Goblin closely, he will take you here you need to go. NEXT!" the teller instructed. Harry as quick to follow the teller's directions and followed the new goblin through a door to the side.

Harry was quickly aware that despite their small size goblins were very fast and nearly lost the guide through a series of twisting tunnels and doors till almost running into the back of the goblin he was following when his escort stopped suddenly in front of a door.

"Through here." The goblin grunted, watching Harry go through the door before standing guard over the open space.

 **I'm surprised you didn't manage to get lost in those twists and turns; guess all that running from Dudley at school had unexpected benefits to your reaction time.**

Harry moved to the lone desk in the room, a bit on edge as his eyes caught the sight of dozens of sharp steel and other metals decorated long every wall.

"So," the goblin looking over the desk began, again similarly dressed as the last two but a different colour. "Blood identifying check for a new key…" the goblin turned to the side, his clawed hands hovering over a set of daggers before picking one up with a carved bowl. The goblin turned back to Harry and gestured for Harry.

"Hand." The goblin demanded. Harry quickly gave his hand to the goblin who as quick to thinly cut Harry's hand with the dagger in hand. A dribble of blood pooled in the bowl before Harry's hand was released, the goblin slamming the dagger into his desk, through a sheet of parchment that began to fizzle with bright light before words not in English began appearing.

"New key for Harry James Potter, vault 687; Potter family trust." The Goblin said, chanting a few words in goblin before the dagger stabbed into the desk, all golden to Harry's amazed eyes, changed into a small golden key.

The goblin picked up the key and inspected it for a few seconds before sliding it across the desk to Harry.

"Pick it up with the cut hand to bind it to you so you can't lose it." The goblin grunted. Doing so Harry saw the key flash a pale violet, the cut on Harry's hand sealing itself.

"Our business is done." Taking that as a dismissal Harry bowed his head in thanks before he left, opening the door to find his guide still there. With a gesture from the guide Harry followed the goblin back to the lobby.

 **Seems like you're gonna have to line up again to get your money Harry, isn't bank business just grand?**

Harry just grumbled under his breath as he took to a line and waited again.

 **-Skip 28 minutes of waiting-**

"Yes?" the teller asked, the same guttural voice as before, Harry realized he had the same teller as before.

"I need a withdrawal." Harry told the teller, giving his new key over to the goblin.

"Hmm…. Very well." The teller turned his head around again and called for someone. Another differently coloured goblin came through a different door. "Follow this one, they will take you to your vault."

Harry dutifully followed the goblin through a series of doors till they came to a mine cart. Harry boarded the iron cast cart, barely siting down before the cart suddenly sped off.

 **Oh hey Harry we're getting more reviews! Isn't it great? Oh look its Saturn10710 again!**

 **The story is going great so far! I'm really enjoying it!** **  
** **As soon as I got the notification for the new chapter I immediately started reading, even though I have homework to do...sigh...**

 **Now don't you start doing that Harry, you don't have any Dursley's to blame for not doing your homework anymore, I expect you to excel in all your work! *Ahem* Continuing…** **  
** **Also if you really don't know what My Immortal is, I'm fairly certain that the reviewer was referring to a fanfiction posted in 2008 I think (although it was removed from the site, you can find other people who've posted it) and is known infamously as the worst fanfic in existence.**

 **Do I take that as a comparison that this work of fiction is just as bad as that one….**

 **People have debated about whether the author wrote it seriously or whether it was just a troll. It is hilarious to read though, just because I cannot comprehend how someone could ever write something so bad, and it's doubly funny when I listened to a dramatic reading of it. I couldn't decide whether I should be mad at, well, the terrible story (if it could even be called that) or if I should just laugh at everything.**

 **Yeah, can't decide. Guess I'll just take satisfaction in that people are reading this and be happy with that.**

 **Oh well. Anyways, I can't wait until Harry goes to Hogwarts and meets Ron and Hermione and, of course, Draco.** **  
** **Keep up the good work!Saturn10710~**

 **Thanks Saturn! Come on Harry, you say thank you too.**

'Damn you Al! I can't say anything around a goblin, they might kick me out of the bank for talking to myself thinking I'm nuts!' mentally raged Harry. His eyes caught the number 281 and groaned, this was going to take _all_ day.

'I'll have to save all of my questions till after I get the heck out of here, or maybe in the vault…'

 **-Skip 10 minutes-**

The Vault finally stopped, very abruptly making Harry nearly launch out of the mine cart at the sudden stop of forward momentum. The goblin, seemingly unaffected by the sudden change of GeForce, got out of the cart and moved to the vault door, Harry following behind seconds later on very shaky legs.

"Vault 687, key please." Harry gave the key to the goblin who placed in into a hidden keyhole and turned it 4 times right and 13 left before the vault door opened with a cave shuddering screech.

 **Shoulda suggested you bring earmuffs or something, that sounds gotta be going up and down your spine. Oh well, next time.**

"Asshole." Harry muttered as he entered his vault, vast mounds of coins of bronze, silver and gold sitting in front of him.

'Damn, should have brought a bag…' Harry grimaced as he started loading up his pockets with gold coins, these things weren't light and these pants weren't very strong carrying stuff.

 **Review alert! New reader too! Sweet!**

 **I love this story, one of the funniest Harry Potter fanfics I have read. Although, Harry with is potty mouth. See what I did there? ;)**

 **That might have been a spelling error at the end BUT regardless of that this is excellent. Say, where did you learn to use such bad language?**

Looking back to see if he was going to be overheard by the goblin, Harry actually smirked a bit.

"My cupboard was in a unique spot in the house so I heard a lot of things when Vernon got drunk; though I as smart enough not to use any of it around Vernon… that would have _hurt_." Harry grimaced at the thought.

 **Ah, a budding eavesdropper! A boy after your aunts heart, if only she was a little more pleasant to be around the two of you might just get along, hell if you told her you learnt to eavesdrop on people from her it might change things for you, even just a little bit.**

"Eugh, please don't say that again, that horse of a woman is a nightmare." Harry said with a shiver, not in the least afraid of saying that about his aunt here, here it would never get back to her.

 **Oh, then this might interest you, another review. This one has suggestions for you regarding your family, from a reader named DaMac.**

 **Steps to fix the Dursleys a bit post year 1** **  
** **1, bash the magical communities lack of progress and logic due to having almost all their solutions solved as spells.**

 **So maybe you could write things down as you see them throughout the year, take em back to your relatives and show them just how backards they are. It might help you, you never know.** **  
** **2, tell what mundanes do right over magic, such as progressive thinking, inventing new things, logical problem solving, and using a little to do a lot.**

 **Probably** **save that for after the school year when your forced to go back the your relatives place. You might just get away with not going back before the school year starts, rent a room at the cauldron, you'll learn a few things before you go to Hogwarts that could come in handy.**

"Noted." **  
** **3,offer to scope out the dangers magical just cover up, like werewolves, Giants, and warn them.** **  
** **4, make them aware of the underfunded branch of government working to protect them from cruel jokes and harm.** **  
** **DO NOT BLUFF ABOUT MAGIC USE. It WILL come back to bite you.**

"Sounds like a few good points, I'd have to have a lot of notes to back up my findings if I do try to talk to the Dursley's about this."

 **Hey, you never know, it might be just what makes your life there a little decent, having hope isn't a bad thing you know.**

'Says the writer of the story…'

 **Oh, this is surprising, the same guest reader DaMac reviewed the same chapter again with even more so say, and this might actually help your schooling so pay attention Harry.**

 **If history sucks, go to the source, AKA old ghosts and portraits, for tutoring.** **  
** **Great story,same thing happened to me once,but was a notorious wall breaker who would periodically repress the knowledge to preserve what little sanity he had left** **  
** **PS good luck young Potter and remember to reply to the letter using the owls outside or there WILL be a problem with an insane Vernon**

"Those are…really good points, I'll have to remember them for later… Hope Al doesn't go insane writing this." Harry said thoughtfully before leaving the vault where the goblin was waiting for him by the cart. Once Harry as clear the goblin sealed the vault again before getting back into the cart and blasting off back to the lobby.

-12 minutes later, out of Gringotts-

'Ok, I have the money now…' Harry looked at the time, meaning he looked at the sky to see if the sun was high or low because he didn't have a watch. 'And I have at least 4 hours left before the sun starts to dip.'

Coming to decision Harry made his way to where he thought he saw a trunk store, if he was going to buy supplies then he was going to need something to store them in, as well as his money, all these coins were _heavy_.

As it turned out, to Harry's consternation, the store he went to get his trunk from charged heaps of galleons for what he bought, a multi compartment strunk, leaving him with little money left to buy other essential items.

'I need lots of ink and paper, I'll forget things from the reviews if I don't.' Harry thought before stalling.

"I have no idea where anything is in this place." Harry said in dead shock. Apart from the bank and the Leaky Cauldron he didn't know where anything was. Thinking of the bank made him wince, he'd need to go back to get more money soon.

'Why don't these magical people have credit cards?' he thought.

 **Fear not, your God is here! Paper and writing utensils shall be found in the store Scribbulus Writing Instruments my young apostle! Seek out the store with a bright blue door and a huge circular decoration in its store window!**

Harry would say a lot of things about Al, but sometimes, like now, Harry was really thankful that he was able to speak to 'the God' as the man liked to call himself.

Shaking himself of his earlier musings about Gringotts Harry began his trek down the busy street.

It took minutes of combing the alley but Harry did eventually find the store, and being as careful as he could not to identify himself to the people around him, Harry bought his sheets of parchment, ink pots and quills.

"What happened to pens and pencils, or basic paper for that matter?" Harry asked in wonder as he browsed the shop before buying the aforementioned items. Afterwards he made his way back to the Leaky Cauldron and managed to convince the barman Tom to let him take a room upstairs; where the young boy began going through his newly purchased things, putting them away in his new trunk.

After putting everything away, realising he had just put away his ink, parchment and quills Harry smacked his forehead for his stupidity and opened his trunk for his writing tools.

And found out, very quickly, that quills _sucked_!

"Give me a pen any day…" Harry groaned as he noted everything he could remember of the reviews that Al had recounted to him.

"Oi Al, who are Ron and Hermione that this reader, whatever their name was I can't remember, named?"

 **Ah, these two are, from your cannon life, your best friends actually. Ron will be on the train looking for an empty compartment and stumbles upon you, whom you bond with quickly because let's face it, you've never had a friend before and you jumped at the chance for companionship so you disregarded a lot of negative things you picked up about him, you didn't want to be like the Dursley's and gave him the benefit of the doubt.**

Harry was writing all this stuff down, furiously trying to keep up.

 **Hermione you become friends with around Halloween, cannon time, after you save her life from a troll in a girls' bathroom. Doesn't this sound like fun?! I mean sure your risking your life for a girl you don't even know and is a real bossy boots but still! You could totally score with her in a few years based on THAT alone!**

"I'm ELEVEN AL!" Harry choked out, quite horrified at the mental images that were painting themselves from Al's words. Harry knew what that meant, Dudley was quite dirty minded and Harry, being around him so often, knew it too.

 **Eh, quit whining you big baby, magical people develop a lot quicker mentally and physically than their non-magical counterparts, at least my version of them will *MAD CACKLE*, you'll be thinking with your prick, like the rest of your male brothers, before you know it. *MAD CACKLE***

"Moving on! Don't say anymore!" Harry begged.

 **You'll change your mind, give it time, we all do as we age, especially us males. *MORE CACKLING***

Harry quickly went back to remembering points from other reviews, especially about the Dursley's, for as long as he could till he couldn't remember anymore.

Packing everything up Harry returned to Diagon Alley and sought out the bookstore, finding it after a few wrong turns. Harry quickly began searching the shelves for his books, finding out quickly that this bookstore didn't display their books for sale the same way he had seen in the non-magical world. Consequently it took him a bit longer to find the books he needed.

Paying for them was easy, if not a little hard hitting for his hip pocket, making him mentally whine about going back to the bank. Harry retreated back to his Leaky Cauldron room and began reading, he had nothing else to do really, and he enjoyed reading, even if it was textbook information.

 **Hey guess what, my strong-willed protagonist, just popped up.**

"Another review? That seems to be the only thing that really gets you in such a happy mood." Harry answered grumpily having his reading time disturbed.

 **Why yes indeed, it IS a new review. A New reader too, so take notes if you want. Readers name is manielle, in case you were wondering. Ahem.**

 **I really like lit, I smiled all along , it is very original!**

 **Given that there are 751 THOUSAND fics of your life Harry, I'd say that was a high score!**

 **I had an idea for the Dursleys. Their behaviour seemed to me always a bit to extreme. What if Dumbledore was behind it?**

 **Make note of this possibility my young apostle, it might just be true. Rule one: question EVERYTHING!**

 **He dropped Harry at the doorstep of the Dursleys and then set the wards around the house.**

 **Harry's eyes widened at this, this was new news to him. He quickly scribbled in a few notes about this Dumbledore guy. Also writing down to investigate Wards and what they were.**

 **Their objective is not to protect Harry from death eaters but to bring out the most negative emotions from the Dursleys. Pétunia was always jealous of Lily, so the wards exaggerated this emotion. As for Vernon, he is xenophobic and Dudley is a bully and a control freak, behavior exacerbated by the wards.**

Harry snorted in amusement. THAT was an understatement.

 **the wards are feed by these emotions. It was made so that Dumbledore could manipulate easily Harry like in the books. But if, say Vernon gets a promotion but has to work on the other side of the country, they would have to move out and then wouldn't be anymore under the control of the wards and not be anymore some puppet of Dumbledore...**

 **Did you get all that Harry, remember Rule 1!**

 **And for Draco Malfoy, he could be a powerful ally.**

Harry began jotting down notes again.

 **He is just a kid and can be easily impressed. the first time they meet, Draco talked about Quidditch. So then Harry can teach him about basketball, football, Volleyball, karate, boxing, Judo and then about computer, cellphones, social Internet network, biology and dna and show him that the muggle world is much more advanced than the magical world and that Harry is much more powerful than Malfoy. And Harry, go overthrow the world with the power of Fanfiction! await with impatience the next update and continue this good work!**

Harry rushed through his writing, snapping his quill at how fast he was writing, much to his annoyance.

"God damned quills!" Harry fumed as he looked for a replacement in his trunk.

 **This could open doors with Draco, you'd just have to play your cards right, depending on how I decide to go about writing Draco you never know. You could end up being King of the Castle, with everyone in it your dirty rascals.**

"Al… that was terrible." Harry griped with a heavy sigh.

 **Ah well, doesn't matter to me, I'm God, I can do whatever I want.**

"Do you have anything else, I'm feeling really tired from all this shopping." Harry asked, almost hoping that there wasn't, regardless of it only being late afternoon Harry was exhausted.

 ***MAD CACKLE***

Harry groaned.

 **Just one, my young apostle. You remember MrPosbi, the one that introduced us to My Immortal? Well he's back, and he's annoyed with you.**

Harry groaned again.

 **Hey,my name isn't ridiculous,Posbis are semi-biological and semi-mechanical beings of high intelligence and a strange moral compass,some times they are nice guys,and some times they just murder everybody...**

"How the hell was I supposed to know that?" Harry said defensively. "I lived with the Dursley's, remember? They never let me do anything."

 **Hmmm,that would be an option,just screw morals and murder them all** **  
****Oh,and i think there should be more crazy cackling :D**

"Oh, believe me, being put under all of this, and talking with Al, it is a good chance I might just do that." Harry said darkly.

 **If I don't Wipe it over and over, don't know if a Dark Harry would fit in well with this story, but I guess we'll just have to wing it and see where it takes us, ey Harry?**

Harry just rolled his eyes, put his ink, parchment and ink pot away, changing into his pyjamas and slid into his bed.

"Al, do me a favour and shut up?" Harry begged.

 **NEVER! * EVIL CACKLE***

Harry groaned again, futilely putting his head under the pillow, the thought of having to go to the bank in the morning making him almost cry.

* * *

AN: So ends another instalment, not a lot of humour, sorry.

as a side note, when i type this up, when i copy/paste reviews to the document and later upload it, all reviews that I'd already underlined are mysteriously un-underlined, so if i've missed something PM me and i'll fix it.

And if you want to just talk to/with Harry about whatever, feel free, i'll do it

R&R


	9. Chapter 9

AN: I'm back, Woot!

Thank you to all that reviewed.

* * *

Waking up the next day rewarded Harry with a renewed tolerance for bullshit that was undoubtably going to happen to him, as Al had told him, he was Harry Potter, these things would happen regardless if he wanted them to or not.

 **Good morning, my young protégé. Sleep well? You will tonight, I guarantee it. We have more reviews to go through and you have more shopping to do for your supplies.**

"Oh joy. Who is the one to inflate your ego this time Al?" Harry asked sardonically.

 **A return reader, Saturn10710 to be precise.**

 **Yay! New chapter!** **  
** **I'm sorry I didn't intend for it to seem like I was comparing this amazing piece of work to the ridiculousness that was My Immortal lol. I couldn't even read that fic properly snce ti wsa writen lik dis. Agh, that was horrifying to even write hahaha. I think it would be the perfect torture method. Force someone to read My Immortal at wandpoint and they're going to be begging to be let go.**

 **Huh, interesting idea there, maybe if someone gets on your nerves too much you could make them sit through a parroted version of My Immortal, people will be begging you to stop in no time.**

"And how would I do that?" Harry asked, his tone unchanging.

 **Well, I'd have to read through it myself and tell it to you word for word, might be a bit painful for me to sit through but I reckon that this phycological torture device, we'll call it MI from now on, you could lessen your number of antagonists really quick.**

 **Moving on!**

 **Oh, and you're welcome author!** **  
** **Oh dear, Harry really can't find his way around, can he? Haha. Perhaps he should have owled Hogwarts and asked for a guide before venturing out on his own, I'm sure Hagrid would have been very happy to help. Oh well, he has you. Whether that's good thing or not we have yet to see :P (did you get that Harry? That was another emoji!).**

Harry dipped his forehead, why didn't he think of that? Then he remembered why, because he left the Dursley's house the day he got the letter.

 **You have to think things through before you do them, hindsight is 20 20 after all. Back to the review now, it's a lengthy one.** **  
** **Speaking of which, I'm curious as to whether Harry will be as close to Hagrid as he is in canon, seeing as in this story he hasn't met him yet.**

'Not likely, if anyone from this world cared at all about me I'd have been taken from the Dursley's years ago.'

 **Warning, this next part dabs into adolescence, you have been warned.**

 **MUAHAHAHA oh poor, poor eleven-year old Harry. He has yet to learn. Just wait until you're fourteen and drooling over Cho and other pretty girls Harry, just you wait.**

Harry'd minds eye conjured up the image of what he thought this Cho girl could look like from Al's telling of his life and blushed.

"I'm too young for this stuff." Harry whined as he fought to rid his face of the red coloring his face.

 **Oh and I don't think Ron is *that* bad, just a healthy mix of positive and negative, but maybe more negative.**

 **Add those to the notes you've been compiling on people, if your going to make an informed decision about who to befriend you have to have as much information as you can.**

"But if I stuff up, cant you just Wipe it and start again?" Harry asked, a bit hopeful.

 **Wiping will only happen when how I'm writing a scene doesn't work out, I'm not going to do Wipes every time you stuff up a conversation. Living with your decisions made is what life is all about. Even if your life is a fanfic. Now back to review.**

 **I think it would be interesting if Harry and Draco somehow got along, but just as long as it's not some cliched Harry-thinks-Ron-is-pigheaded-and-Hermione-is-a-brat-and-cuts-off-their-friendship-and-starts-making-out-with-Draco-in-a-broom-closet-two-seconds-later-as-they-skip-off-into-the-sunset-and-overpower-Dumbledore.**

 **I'll tell you now, I'll NEVER write anything like that, just thinking about something like that makes me shiver…**

 **Okay I haven't actually read any fics like that. But I'm sure they're out there, I've just been meticulous in keeping away haha.**

 **I'm sure there's one like that in the 700 thousand fics on Harry Potter, whoever the hell they'd be to write up something that bad.**

 **Okay yeah one thing you should know is to rarely take me seriously because half the time I'm pretty sure I'm high on sugar and chocolate. I don't care if it's not possible. It is for me.** **  
** **Okay I'm rambling now sorry.** **  
** **I'll be looking forward to the next update!**

 **~Saturn10710~**

"Finally! I swear these things just get longer! That's not to say I don't like people giving me new information to use but still.."

 **P.S. Oh and I'm sure a Dark Harry would be an interesting read. MURDER THEM ALL HARRY! MURDER THEM ALL!**

'Oh believe me, I'm thinking about it…' Harry thought rubbing his head.

 **AHEM I think it's time for me to sleep...yeah probably.**

'Listening to that almost makes me want to go back to sleep, and I just woke up too.' Harry thought with a groan.

"How many reviews left?" Harry asked as he proceeded to get dressed.

 **Eight total. This next one is from a new reader, a guest this time not a registered reader.**

"What's the difference?"

 **Well regarding reviews there isn't really that big a difference, registered reviewers are those that, authors like myself, can reply to with Private Messages, or PM's for short. Guests on the other hand have to suffice with in-story responses like this right now. Now, CoolShadow15 has this to say.**

 **Hi! I'm Farin Green! Nice to meet you!**

 **I'm an American girl through and through, so I don't know about the Brits.**

 **I'm an Aussie, I'm right there with ya Farin.**

 **Just saying. Even though I think the plot would practically be the same if it took place in America.**

 **You never know…**

 **Anyways, great story so far! I love it when 4th walls are broken!**

 **And Harry, I feel a lot of sympathy for ya. For now, and for the future. Ogk what's gonna happen at the end of the year with Al by your side.** **  
****And you've never been hugged before that? That's crazy! *offers hug* It'll get better. I promise.**

 **-CS15**

Harry in the midst of putting his pants on felt the sensation of two arms envelope him from behind making him freeze in place at the foreign contact. Unfortunately his leg was in the air at the time and he fell on his shoulder.

"Ouch…" Groaned Harry as he rubbed his shoulder.

 **Ooh and I promise to come back and review more, k? Pinky swear** **_ _ _ _ -**

"Warn me next time someone does that…" Harry said gingerly rubbing his aching body.

Then his right pinkie got hooked.

 **No promises! Now, back to the Alley, you have more stuff to buy! Talley Ho!**

"Where to go first…" Harry thought out loud as he exited the Leaky Couldren.

 **I'd suggest you get your robes fitted, that can take a while so best get that out of the way.**

"Good point, what's the store name?"

 **Madam Malkin's Robes For All Occasions, I believe it's in the North Side of the alley. Other than that, you're a kid, go explore the area.**

With only a general sense of direction for the store, Harry found it after a few minutes looking.

There was a lady at the front that greeted him straight away.

"Hogwarts dear?" she asked. Harry nodded yes and was directed further into the shop, to a dais that was surrounded by numerous measuring tapes that lept up in the air the moment Harry stood on the dais.

Another lady approached him as the tapes measured ever part of his body, jotting down measurements for everything from Harry's arm's length to its width, and his legs and the size of his butt.

"Shouldn't be too long, dear." The lady, whom Harry presumed to be Madam Malkin, said.

"Not a problem Ma'am." Harry replied with a smile.

The smile didn't last too long as Harry was instructed to stand in different poses for different measurements, seemingly for the same body part.

'And to think, I have to go normal clothes shopping after this.' The preteen male in Harry groaned in protest, Males and shopping didn't mix well at all.

 **Ready for another review, Apostle Potter? Well too bad your going to get one, Randomplotbunny says thus:**

 **I am so loving this!**

'I'm _so_ happy for you.' mentally grumbled Harry.

 **I love stories where Harry learns the truth before Hogwarts and then starts thinking for himself instead of allowing himself to be manipulated by Dumbledore into becoming the 'Golden Boy of Gryffindor' and putting himself in constant danger so he almost dies several times every year.**

'No one's going to be telling me what to do, except for Al, unfortunately. But no one else!' Harry declared mentally, it wouldn't look right for Harry to start saying all this out loud in a shop with people around.

They might think him crazy or something.

 **Really, considering Dumbledore appointed himself Harry's Magical Guardian and then flaked on all legally mandated follow ups, is probably stealing money from Harry's Vaults, has prevented Harry's Godfather from getting a trial so as to prevent his taking legal custody of Harry- the old goat can see through an Invisibility Cloak made by Death itself, how can he NOT see the Rat Animagus for what(who) it is?!- and has done his best to ensure Harry's 'home' life was never investigated by either sides' law... Dumbledore may be the Leader of the Light but I'll take the Dark any day, they may torture and/or kill you but at least they are honest in their motives and actions.**

 **Are you taking mental notes my young protagonist?**

 **Oh! And Harry, you shouldn't need to go back to Gringotts. Get your Wand and then you can present your Vault Key to the shops to make purchases, just lay the key on the ticket and tap it with your Wand and the amount will be transferred from your Vault to theirs. It's how Owl Orders are done too, so you might want to pick up some catalogs as you shop. BTW, don't forget to pick up a Wand Holster and Wand Care Kit at Ollivanders, your Wand is your greatest ally and most used tool in the Magical World and accidentally breaking it by keeping it in your back pocket would be tragic. And when you get your school robes ask for a full Wizarding Wardrobe- keep Dudley's castoffs for only when/if you return to Privet Dr so they don't see you in nicer clothes than they have, you are richer than them now after all- as well as a Feather Light, Undetectable Expansion Book Bag, it will make carrying your books and ink pots so much easier. xxx and ruffle your hair**

Harry felt his hair flying in all directions as a hand messed it up, much to his annoyance, and to the complete obliviousness of the lady still writing down numbers for his measurements.

'Finally something immediately useful from a review!' Harry thought with a smile before it died as this would mean he'd have to spend even more time acting as a mannequin. Then Harry felt his face peppered with light kisses making him squirm uncomfortably.

 **(Oh, and you didn't hear it from me, but since you do all the cooking at #4 you could easily slip a potion or two into the food to change a few attitudes. Never underestimate the power of mind altering chemicals!)**

'Another useful nugget, I'll have to go through my potions book again more carefully to see what I could do.' Harry thought as the 'kiss shower' stopped.

"Excuse me ma'am, after these robes are done, I'll also need a full wizarding wardrobe on top of my school robes." Harry told the Measuring Lady.

"That will be quite a bit more expensive, dear, are you sure you can afford it?" she asked.

As much as Harry hated to do this, after Al telling him what his presence did to those around him, Harry moved his fringe and showed his scar to the lady. Her eyes flashing to the scar on his forehead she froze for a moment as the realisation that she was tending to THE Harry Potter settled into her mind.

"I'm sure I'll manage, thank you for your concern. Please don't tell anyone who I am, I'm trying to avoid crowds." Harry requested quietly, almost begging.

Hearing the measuring lady nearly gush at the politeness that Harry was using, he nearly didn't understand that, in fact, she was agreeing to do as he requested. Afterwards as Harry continued to stand there he noticed that the Measuring Lady was far more chipper than she was a moment ago.

'Oh man…'

-Hours later—

 **Have fun in there Harry?**

"Bite me Al." a very stiff Harry answered under baited breathe as he carried multiple, thankfully shrunken, bags full of many sets of clothing, both wizard and non-magical clothing.

'Quick stop at the Cauldron to drop this stuff off and then to Olivander's, thank you so much for telling me about that wand and key trick Randomplotbunny.' Harry through with relief.

Five minutes later a bag less Harry found himself back in the Alley looking for the Wand shop.

It took him 15 minutes.

'Yeah, I wish I had a person here to tell me where everything was…' Groaned Harry as he entered the store.

 **Ready for it…**

"Ready for wha- AH!" Olivander slid into Harry's line of sight all of a sudden, making Harry jump in fright.

 **BAHAHAHAHAHA!**

"I wondered when I'd be seeing you, Mr Potter." The old man spoke as he descended the ladder before moving up to Harry before circling the young boy making Harry very uncomfortable.

"It seems like only yesterday that your mother and father were in here buying their first wands." He said whimsically as he completed another circle before going into the back of the store to bring out an armful of long boxes.

'From Al's telling, this is gonna take forever trying every stick of wood in the store…stuff that!' Harry declared mentally.

"My wand is a phoenix tail feather core wand." Harry told the man bluntly.

"You Mr Potter, I have sold wands for a very, very long time, I find it hard that you could know what wand your destined for before I am. What makes you think such a wand is for you?" the old man asked curiously, with a humorous grin.

"I'm psychic, it's the brother wand to the one that killed my parents, I'm sure you know the one." Without pause Olivander vanished into the depths of his store to fetch the mentioned wand.

 **Oi, Harry, why'd you do that?**

"I've been waiting for stuff all day so far, I was annoyed; besides we know which one I'll get…I just didn't want to waste any more time." Harry muttered, just in case the old man came back into hearing range all of a sudden.

 **In that case, while you're doing your wand business, here's another review, by a new reader, axc-o.**

 **This is a nice fanfic and all but you have to cover all the fronts!** **  
** **You guys have gone quite a long way, but you need to take a time to cross information like: what does Harry knows (general culture, english, science, myths and magic)?**

 **what happens outside of the author's PV? (test it out by describing a place and having harry tell you of you overlooked anything)** **  
** **Moreover, confirm the world's continuity outside of main plot, deities existence/interference, possible exploitable plot holes or accelerators and canon divergences.** **  
** **Also, watch out for a Seer!Luna if your fanfic has her you definitely need to meet her as she is one of the best allies.**

 **Ps: Hi harry!**

"Err, hi Axc-o? You know Al, it's a bit awkward when reviewers talk to me… or touch me, or anything in general. This is a 4th wall break story, I get that, but it still creeps me out that strangers from a completely different reality can do these things to me."

 **It wouldn't be as fun if they weren't able, Harry; besides I encourage it for that reason. Now let's pay the creepy man for your wand and go back to your room at the Cauldron, you have some background information to say to an empty room to fill in some of the knowledge gaps Axc-o was talking about.**

'Not like I can say no…' grouched Harry as Olivander came back to the front and removed a wand from its box. Getting a positive result, as Harry knew it would, Harry paid the man and left the store for his room at the Cauldron.

"Ok, where am I starting?"

 **General culture, think that's a different way of saying general knowledge.**

"Well… how the heck am I supposed to answer that? I'm nearly 11 years old, I lived in a cupboard my whole life and was bullied into doing worse in school than my stupid cousin."

 **And I'm sure that that was pretty hard, Dudley is pretty stupid, for a boy who grew up like a prized pig.**

"Hmm, well I'll just put it out there, I was forced to do worse in my grades but I understood the material really well. I had to, in order to knowingly flunk my grades. Next."

 **English, Science, math, myth and magic.**

"Well I can spell reasonably well…science, well I know some science stuff, but not a lot, Dudley never left me alone in school to learn all that much. My maths is pretty good, for my year level but as I said before, I couldn't show it in my grades or Vernon would have gone crazy. I know of myths like the Greek gods, and my magic knowledge is next to nil, as I'm not even at Hogwarts yet."

 **Remember though, you don't have the Dursley's breathing down your neck about your Hogwarts grades, so go all out on them. Show everyone what Harry James Potter can do.**

"Yeah, no holding back, this stuff will save my life… don't want to rely so much on luck like you said I did in canon. Although as I'm the main character of your story Al, I can't be killed or you'll have no story." Harry said confidently with a grin.

 **Cheeky brat.**

"Now that I have my wand, I'm gonna go-"

 **Hold it!**

"What now?" Harry groaned at being halted.

 **Review! Its Jackfrostlovercadi93 again, a return reader, I love it when people are consistent with their feedback.**

 **hey while harry is in dieagon ally he should be writing to sev lol**

 **So maybe you ought to go buy an owl instead of wherever it was you were going to go off to and send a letter to your mums friend Sev, once you've written the thing of course.**

"But…but the man hates me!" Harry exclaimed at the absurdity of such a suggestion. "What possible reason could I have to write to a man who I shouldn't even know exists yet?"

 **No, he hates your father, who's been dead a decade…wow just saying that makes him seem like a really big asshole. Anyway, he had a unrequited love for your mother, as I told you when I revealed to you your Canon timelines events the other day, so I think looking like your father did when the three of them were at Hogwarts together compounds the feelings he has towards James Potter and, I don't know… being a jackass by not getting over it? I'll decide later. As for a reason? Maybe a message, asking him not to paint you with the same brush he did your father? Or you can ask him to do it as payment for the Life Debt he owes you.**

"Huh…?"

 **He owes his life to your father, for saving his life from a deadly prank by your godfather when they were in school together. Your Potions teacher owes a magical Debt to you that has yet to be repaid. With you the only living Potter, the Life Debt falls into your lap. I DID tell you your life story the other day, pay more attention, or start to takes notes on THAT as well as the nuggets of interest you get from reviews made by readers.**

"Great…"

 **If you're going to be sending any mail however you need an owl first. Better go buy one, off to the shops!**

Harry just groaned.

Harry emerged from the pet store, after remembering the owl that Al said he had chosen in Canon, with the white feathered owl Hedwig.

"She's just too beautiful to resist." Harry had said as his explanation when Al had asked why Harry had picked her out. Harry hadn't minded the affection the snowy owl had shown him after he'd said that either.

Harry and Hedwig had returned to his room at the Cauldron, a sheet of paper out and a pen in hand ready to write to a total stranger.

"This isn't hard at all…" Harry deadpanned.

 **Nhijajhahaaha**

Harry's pen slid across the page at the sudden noise.

"Damn it Al!" **  
** **Murder,please give us murder :D**

"NO! No way am I writing that!" refused Harry. **  
****Abusing Science might be a way for it,for example (totally not stealing the idea from another story) casting lumos into a ...thing... with lots of prismatic lenses.** **  
** **Or make black powder,fire it at people with ventus,and then incendio it :D**

'Sweet Jesus, it's just a review… you sure know how to time things Al…' Harry thought as he did his best to calm his racing heart.

 **BAHAHAHAH! Oh man you shoulda seen your face! It was all like 'AHHHH! Save me!' oh man that was priceless!**

"I said in once, I'll say it again, you're an asshole… who was that from?" Harry asked grumpily, taking a clean sheet of paper out.

 **Huh…it was from MrPosbi, it's strange though…**

"How?"

 **It's a review for chapter one, when you were still in the cupboard.**

"Don't see what the big deal is, a review is a review, you should be thankful that anyone gives you feedback at all, if there are more like that Axc-o guy reading this." Harry commented easily.

 **Dang it, your right! Can't go looking a gift horse in the mouth, that's just rude. Eh? Another reader/reviewer did the same thing, reviewing the second chapter this time, it's like they didn't read past there, maybe they didn't like it and just didn't want to tell me! Maybe I should just Wipe everything and start again!**

"NO!" Harry cried out in shock horror. Al couldn't do that to him, he'd have so much he'd have to redo. "Get a hold of yourself you big idiot!"

 ***Deep breathes* Yes, your right, my young character, I can't let my mind get away from me over something like that, when I don't have enough information.**

"What did they say, anyway?" Harry asked curiously. These things were always interesting.

 **I love the idea. It is definitely unique, good job**

 **Believe it or not, its actually really hard to come up with something unique, an idea that hasn't been thought of that hasn't been written is really hard to come by. You have done a lot of things in stories, I've read stories where you took over the world as a dark tyrant, ones where you became Dumbledore's loyal lapdog, one you enslaved the dementors of Azkaban and let them loose on a soul sucking frenzy…that doesn't even count those with crossover elements.**

"I get it, I'm really famous. Moving on now."

 **Ah yes, this letter that your trying to write. Interesting that you're writing to a man who could have, if not for one slip of the tongue, been your father in place of James Potter, if I understand canon events correctly that is.**

"Al…Stop, please!" Harry begged. "I haven't written anything except 'To Professor Severus Snape,' and you saying all this makes writing anything impossible."

 **Ok, alright I'll stop and let you get back to your writing a begging letter to a loathsome person. Before that though! Review!**

Harry face-planted.

 **Crazysister101 says:**

 **Awesome job so far! I've been searching for a good Harry Potter fic and this one is amazing! I really like your interactions with Harry, just please don't kill off his innocence just yet with your dirty mind.**

 **Aww, but that's what makes it so much fun, poking Harry the Bashful is just too good an opportunity to pass up! Maybe I ought to lessen it up a bit though, never know what all of it might do to him when puberty hits, no one would be safe then.**

 **I think it would be an interesting twist if Harry became friends with an OC, and not Ron, first. Then you could change a huge amount of the storyline. Well, anyway, loved it, and please update soon!**

 **Hey, there's an idea, I'll create a friend out of thin air for you Harry, and they'll be the total opposite of you, your right arm in every sense, never to be left alone, besides myself that is.**

Harry shuddered at the thought.

"Maybe you should stick with already made characters, I don't know whether you could make a person in enough detail that they'd not be so littered with plot holes…" Harry debated.

 **True enough, there's going to be heaps of people at Hogwarts, hell even here right now I could play with so many people, no need to muddy up the waters too much too soon… but you never know, it might come in handy later on. And if not, well, that's what Wipes are for.**

* * *

 **AN: Believe it or not, it's not as easy as it looks to write something like this, some of it can be really tricky.**

 **If anyone has any suggestions for what Harry should write to Snape, don't be afraid to share them, as you saw Harry really needs the help.**

 **Also, i may think about changing the name of the story to something else in the future, if anyone has any suggestions PM me, don't do it in a review, it wouldn't do well to inform Harry of something like that.**


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Back again for another round, woot!

* * *

"Ok, I think I got this thing at least decent." Harry said blowing air over his newly finished letter to his future Potions teacher Severus Snape.

 **Golly gosh! The hormone champagne body of protégé Potter finally finished his first letter!**

Without a sound, within a fraction of a second the letter vanished like it never existed.

"WHAT THE HELL AL?" Harry shrieked, Harry knew, just knew that it was Al's doing that his 4 plus hours of thinking of what to say to the man just disappeared.

 **Quit your whining, there are some things you have to hear, take these into consideration first before sending your owl on a suicide flight.**

"What are you talking about?" Harry demanded vehemently.

 **Well the second that Snape sees that the letter is from you, of all people, he'll be quite likely to kill your dearest Hedwig; while frowned upon, there isn't a law against killing animals.**

"Was that it?"

 **Well fine then, I see how much you value your very rare snowy white owl who could have developed a Familial Bond with you, I'll just have her go on her first, last, and only delivery of her life.**

"Surely it won't be that bad…"

 **You want to bet? Think about what you wrote as you listen to Saturn10710.**

 **Also write down some of these points, they might come in handy.**

 **Hello again! Your story is great! You have no idea how much I was laughing this whole chapter haha!**

 **AW, that makes me feel so appreciated, you have no idea!**

 **Anyway, I hate to torture you Harry (believe me, I really do) with my lengthy reviews but longer reviews means longer chapters, right? Sorry, my entertainment comes before your well-being Harry. :D**

'Sure doesn't seem like you're all that sorry to me.' Thought Harry with a, manly, huff.

 **** **And I think it would be interesting if Harry becomes good friends with people outside of Gryffindor. Like, in canon he is friendly with people outside of his house and there is Luna of course but he's always just stuck to being close with people of his own house. I don't know about you but if I spent most of my time with people who have the same traits as me I'd go crazy.**

 **Valid point, don't be a sheep and follow the masses, be your own person or I'll threaten to Wipe until you do.**

'What to encourage someone, Al…' Harry thought sullenly.

 **** **Also, I just think Hufflepuff needs recognition lolol** **  
** **Anyway, as to what Harry should say to Snape...well...there's a few options...**

 **Here's where you should really pay attention.** **  
** **1\. The mean approach: call him a jerk who can't let go of someone who's been dead for ten years and bullies people because of it.**

 **But could you do it in a way that wouldn't suggest that someone has been telling you things that you, by canon standards, wouldn't know a hint about for many years to come?**

 **Also ask if he's ever used shampoo ever in his life and that his greasy hair is so oily you could cook french fries on it and that's probably the reason why Lily married James instead.**

 **OOOOOOH BURN! But not too close to Snape's head, it might catch fire.** **  
** **That probably wouldn't help though lmao. That'd probably make Snape hate Harry more so nevermind. I would love to see his reaction to that though haha.**

"No, I didn't go that direction with my letter." Harry retorted. **  
****2\. Be nice: ...I don't know how you would manage this so...uh...good luck?** **  
** **I mean I don't hate Snape or anything like that but no matter what you say Harry he'd probably take it as an insult anyway so...yeah...**

 **Try sucking up to the man? Maybe a plea 'Please adopt me I have no family that love me.' Might curb his hatred of your dead dad.**

"Yeah…No way in hell." Deadpanned Harry. **  
****Okay don't take my pessimism seriously. I'm sure there's something you could write! I'm just not the right person to give advice on how to write a letter. I can barely even text people without freaking out on the inside. I rarely pick up phone calls because I get so anxious so...yeah...**

 **You know Saturn, I fel the same way, maybe not quite as bad as you but my reactions are still quite intence when I'm talking to strangers.**

 **That's probably why I'm sitting in the corner of my room in the middle of the night reviewing a story by a stranger instead of actually talking to people haha.**

 **That's a similar reason as to why I'm sitting in the corner of my room writing a story for strangers.** **  
** **OKAY you probably don't want to know that but oh well, since I have nothing of substance to actually offer I'm just going to ramble all the time because why not it makes Harry annoyed which makes it funnier.**

"You….I can't…. Why can't you…ARG!" a frustrated scream from Harry bounced off the walls of his rented room, a muffled thumping of his roof from the room above unsettling a cloud of dust doing nothing for Harry's mood.

 **I can't wait for the next chapter!** **  
** **~Saturn10710~** **  
** **P.S. Now that I know we can interact with Harry physically...**

'Oh please tell me no…' Dreaded Harry before he _felt_ something happen. **  
** **XXXXXX MANY KISSES AND HUGS XXXXXX**

Imagine being smothered in invisible lips all over your face, your arms constricting as equally invisible arms surrounded your body in tight hugs that prevented you from moving.

For 3 minutes straight.

That's what Harry was going through right now. **  
** **PATS ON THE HEAD** **  
** **MUAHAHAHA SORRY NOT SORRY HARRY**

Harry just stood in place, the feeling of arms around him vanishing as if they never were.

'Yes, I can tell you're sorry…not.' sulked Harry as he moved to lay on the bed in the room, curled up in a ball.

'I feel like I was violated just now…' Harry thought with a shiver.

 **Oi! Snap out of Mope Town and get back to reality, that's just a small taste of what's ahead so this is just good practice for the future.**

 **You should thank Saturn for the generous interaction, you may not get a lot of it, savour what you get while you can.**

Harry just sighed, Al did have a point.

 **Your letter to Snape was** _ **nice**_ **toned, wasn't it? Something along the lines of**

' **Dear Professor Snape,**

 **I'm writing to you as a future student of yours, blah blah blah.**

 **I'm the son of James Potter who I have always been told was an idiot drunk, blah blah blah.**

 **Pease do not think of me like him, I don't remember anything about him, blah blah blah.**

 **Don't think me big headed because of the Boy Who Lived title, blah blah blah.'**

"…."

 **Something along those lines, wasn't it?**

"Go screw yourself Al." Harry retorted vehemently. "Anyway didn't you just take my letter, why don't you just read it instead of asking me?"

 **Haven't you learned by now I do all this to have fun with you? Learn to accept a little teasing, or in my case a lot of it. Don't take things so seriously all the time, you'll end up with health problems you don't want to deal with. Here you go.**

Harry's letter reappeared on his bed.

"Did anyone else give any suggestions what I should write to Snape?" Enquired Harry with a raised brow.

 **Aw, did my teasing you make you second guess yourself about your letter that much?**

"Just answer my damn question, are there any more or not?" Harry asked loudly, his temper rising.

 **Of course there is, that was only ONE review, I get more than one review per chapter now, if you didn't catch on earlier.**

"How many chapters are we on currently?" Harry asked, his temper shelved for a brief time as curiosity took over.

 **This current one would be the tenth chapter.**

"It's taken you nine chapters to get to this point? Wow…"

 **I know, I'm awesome right?!**

"No, that's actually pretty sad. Could you, I don't know, speed things up a bit?"

 **OI! You can't rush art, especially the written art, it turns to shit if you don't think it out slowly. Maybe I'll shove another review down your throat, see how you like them apples.**

"Huh?"

 **You can actually review a certain chapter?** **  
** **Didn't know that before** **  
****Well,I still think Harry/you should befriend the Weasleys and Hermione,other characters tend to be a bit OC-ish,and that tends to suck(maybe 1 in 50 stories has OC's that don't make me want to laugh,cry and rage at the same time).** **  
** **Other befriendable characters would be Seamus Finnegan (pyromaniac,but sadly with a somewhat idiotic mum), or Ernie MacMillan (once he trusts you,he is going to stick to you! And he is pretty damn badass)**

 **And never forget: Don't trust people who cheer for fascists!(Malfoy! most named Slytherins actually,although the Greengrasses might be ok)**

"Um…damn." Harry's head swam with information as the review blooded his brain. "Some say befriend some people while others say not to…. I hate being told what to do…" Harry grumbled. "Who was that one from?"

 **MrPosbi. As to people telling you who to befriend… well they are the readers of this fine story, if that's what they want to read you might have to suck it up and deal with it. Regardless of what I choose to write, I'll lose readers by the choices I put in front of you to make, and your decisions regarding those choices.**

 **And yes, while I CAN rewrite your character to do as I will you, it takes away the fun of it all if I'm in total control of EVERYTHING.**

 **And then people will stop reading, and I'll start to lose interest and then you'll get stuck in 'writing limbo' and nobody wants that, not you, not me, not my readers or the people that put this story on their favourite or alerts lists.**

"The what lists?" Queried Harry.

 **Favourite list, it's a list created by registered readers of stories that they've come across that they've really liked and flagged them, to read them over again at another time if they want.**

 **Alert lists are lists that registered readers use as a means to be informed when a story on the list has been updated.**

 **Don't think I can dumb that down any further than that.**

"OK I get it now, jeez…" Huffed Harry. "How many people have us listed?"

 **Well let's see…searching… searching…**

 **Cadi-Pika1993** **,** **DanteAzel** **,** **draco1221** **,** **Jubi no Neko** **,** **Karlo666** **,** **megabytes** **,** **MisterDarkness200** **,** **pikawho52** **,** **randomplotbunny** **,** **SarahMackenzie671** **,** **ShadowDraconian** **,** **siax222** **,** **Sombra Obleser** **,** **StratocasterInTheStratospere** **,** **tirroj** **and** **wkatarzyna13** **all have us in Favourites. Some of those have even reviewed too. All in all that's 16 people.**

"Um, Al… won't they get angry at you for listing them like that?" Harry asked cautiously.

 **Bah, if they have a problem with it then they can tell me later. Did you want to know the people that on the waiting list or are you still a bit lost by the fact that there are in fact people that actually like you, I mean more than just those that send in their feedback.**

Harry's eyes widened suddenly.

"That's why you gave their names! To try force them to review more!"

 **What could possibly make you jump to that conclusion?**

"It's just a guess, but I'm SURE of it!" Harry said with a triumphant grin.

 **Not like I can stop you from thinking what you want to.**

 **Moving on!**

Harry's expression did a complete one 180 seconds later.

"Don't list the people on the Alerts list!" he said frantically.

 **Wha- how'd you know that's what I was going to do?**

"Please, even someone as dumb as Dudley would have seen you were about to do that." He said with a scoff. "And it wouldn't be very good if you did that, people would just get mad."

… **Fine I won't go list them all, ruin my fun. I will say this though, there are nine more that have us on Alerts than Favourites. I'd say that's pretty good for a story like this.**

"A story like this?" again, confusion.

 **One where the Author speaks to the main character as a main part of the plot. And from what I've seen in my many years of reading fics, this one is very unique, despite what my brother says.**

"You have a brother?" Harry asked, this was news to him.

 **I have two, one older and one younger, I was referring to the younger. HE says that my story, THIS right now isn't unique. And part of what attracts me to write my stories is that the idea is, if not fresh, then not nearly so commonly written. And I just- hey what are you doing?**

Harry had jumped up off his bed and opened up his trunk, retrieving his wand box, wand inside it still, and his charms and defence textbooks.

"I just had this thought, with my life story the way you told it, I'm going to need to be at the top of my game-"

 ***Snort***

"What?"

 **No nothing, different story of mine, never mind, continue.**

"Well I was thinking that if I were to learn to do some of the simplest charms with barely any effort, then I could have a big advantage in staying alive." Harry answered as he leafed through the books in his lap.

 **How so?**

Harry leafed through his books for a few seconds before finding something.

"Well I was thinking that things like the wand lighting charm could be used to blind someone, to get out of sight…" Harry flipped a few pages again to come to another spell. "And the Levitation charm could send objects flying at people from many directions. If I learnt even just these two to a point I didn't have to think about it too much it might just save my life."

 **Oh I see, well then don't let me stop you, practice away.**

20 minutes later Harry had accomplished the Lumos spell for the first time, deciding that blinding people that sought him out would be the best one to start with.

 **Not bad, I reckon, for learning it with only the textbook as a teacher.**

"Yeah, well with one teacher for classes the size that mine will be at I figured I'd need to get used to it." Harry answered.

 **Really? Why's that?**

"Well if one teacher has to divide up their time to teach each student in class, then some will suffer for the lack of attention.

 **I see, go on.**

"When I was finally sent to primary school, I saw that there as more than just one class of Grade 1 kids, about 30 students from what I remember, and there was 2 teachers for that year."

 **Ah yes, I had the same when I was in school, multiple teachers to lessen the class sizes would mean less time waiting for assistance if anyone needed it.**

"So I'll self-study the best I can, and ask the teachers for help when I run into problems." Harry said as he continued his Lumos practice.

 **That's a pretty good approach to learning things, actually.**

"It's how I learnt to do almost everything I know, well writing wise that is. The Dursley's never really gave me the free time to do anything else."

 **Fair enough, but now that you have all this free time before you start Hogwarts you can get a massive head start. And who knows, if you get good enough at any of these you could eventually do them without your wand.**

"Yeah, that would be great." Harry nodded.

 **Oh hey, RandomPlotbunny sent us another one!**

 **Fantastic chapter! This story is absolutely addicting!**

 **And I'm so glad I was able to help you Harry, though I am sorry I made you uncomfortable with the touching.**

'Ah, someone that's generally sorry. To bad you're not the only one that does it...' Harry thought with a smile, his next Lumos coming out much brighter.

 **But you must understand, you are just too adorable and I just want to hug you tightly and protect you from the big bad World! Or just Dumbledore.**

Harry put his wand down and rushed to his trunk for his notepad and pen, it was note taking time.

 **Dumbledore really is the root of all your problems, if he'd just stood up and fought Voldemort himself instead of sending his brainwashed students out to keep the war going, and then placing the fate of the entire Wizarding World on your young shoulders...**

Harry wrote in big letters, DON'T TRUST DUMBLEDORE. And circled it over and over again for emphasis. **  
** **I just don't like Dumbledore, he has way too much power and does nothing with it to help anyone but himself.**

 **OOOOH! Mee too! My authors page says the same!**

 **On a slightly related note, forget about writing Snape.**

Harry face-planted.

 **As great as it would be to have him on your side that is a long term goal and an uphill battle no matter how you approach it. The sad facts are that he resents you for not being his and that he's been forced into a Vow to protect you, so unless you want to ask him to blood adopt you... I suggest you write to Rita Skeeter instead.**

Harry quickly got back up and continued his note taking. Writing RITA SKEETER in big bold letters. **  
** **She's a bloodsucking reporter who's only loyalty is to making the headlines. Offer her exclusive rights to write about you on the condition she signs a contract- you can get the Goblins to write an iron clad one for you, for a fee- stating she won't write about anything you don't want her to in exchange for that exclusivity.**

Harry scribbled in under her name, headline exclusive reporter- contracts with goblins?

 **Then give her an interview, emphasizing how you never knew about Magic until you got your Letter with hints about how the Dursleys treated you- what is imagined is always worse than reality and you can use that to manipulate the public. The public are all sheeple and will crucify both Dumbledore and the Dursleys for you if you get Skeeter to present the article just right.**

Harry's eyes gleamed at the thought, payback would be so sweet. **  
** **Maybe you can even play up that 'psychic' angle you told Olivander about and give the beetle little tid bits that you 'saw', such as Dumbledore and Grindelwald's old relationship, to keep the scandal going.**

Harry paused for a moment, thinking on how he could really milk the 'psychic angle' before a thought came to him which had him rushing through his charms book again. Harry's face fell moments later, a defeated expression marring his features as what he was looking for was not in the First Year's book, only referenced.

 **What's with the look?**

"I was thinking of putting the Human Revealing spell on my list of things to learn quickly, I could use that to apply a 'psychic' feel to why I know what I know will happen." Harry replied.

 **Very sneaky Harry, that's using your brain, you never know what that might tell you. And who knows, use it enough you might just awaken your Divining Inner Eye.**

"Huh?"

 **The Divining Inner Eye, I'm of the belief that spells such as the Human Revealing spell is actually a divination spell because it gives you a foresight to those that you can yet see to be around you.**

Harry looked into space thoughtfully, jotting down a quite note to look into that.

 **Of course I could be totally wrong but this is my story so I can do or say whatever I want as fact.**

Hearing this made Harry scowl and run lines through his last note. Having inked the note out of existence Harry's mind went back to his letter to Snape.

Sending it would have lots of pros and cons, given that the man would have no reason to read it, or if he did, believe what Harry wrote, the man might take it to Dumbledore which would kick the proverbial beehive, possibly throwing everything that Harry knew was going to happen, out the window.

Harry spent an hour debating with himself the ups and down of his letter before, growling in frustration over time spent on the thing, Harry picked it up ripped it to shreds.

 **You know I never said that I wouldn't tie the revealing spell with divination, I was just tossing around the idea, take a chill pill.**

"I spent so long on that damn letter, all for nothing!" Raved Harry.

 **You know you didn't have to take on RPB's suggestion of not sending the letter.**

"I know that!" Snapped Harry. "It's just that if I did so many things could happen that could change things that I wouldn't be able to see them coming as you said they would, and I spent so long writing that thing for it all to be a waste of time."

 **Instead of thinking it a waste of time, think it as a rehearsal of how you're going to deal with the man when you meet him, if you end up in Slytherin house you're going to need as much of it as you can get. Now why don't you go back to practicing your charms and how you could use them?**

Taking Al's advice Harry went back to practising his Lumos.

An hour later Harry had gotten quite good at Lumos and, having been staring into the bright light of the tip of his wand Harry was seeing splotches on his eye where the light used to be.

"Well bugger, now I can't see worth a damn." Harry grumbled.

 **I thought that was the effect that you were going for?**

"Yeah, for people that aren't me. These spots won't go away fast enough…" Harry huffed indignantly.

 **Then why don't you try another spell, one that doesn't require too much eye contact.**

"Hmm…levitation is as good a place to start, sure why not." Harry turned his charms textbook till he found what he as looking for and got to work.

5 minutes later Harry didn't even realize that the spots in his vision were gone.

 **Not to bring up bad…stuff. But I got another review.**

"How are reviews bad? I thought that you loved getting them?" Harry asked as he cast the levitation charm on his textbook again.

 **You'll know what I mean. From Crazysister101:**

 **Harry should be VERY careful while writing to Snape, you have to remember that he is James' son. Other than that, really talk about Lily more than you do about James, and make sure you don't do anything that might offend him. Maybe start off very politely, and say that he was your mother's best friend, and you'd like to know more about her. Those are all the tips I have for you, have fun!**

"I see what you mean." Grumbled Harry, his eyes shifting to the pile of scraps that was his letter to Snape. "At least I have more ammo to use in defence when I meet the guy."

 **True enough. Now back to work, your Harry Potter remember, you have a reputation to uphold!**

"First," Harry said getting off his bed and stretching his body. "I'm going to go get something to eat, I haven't eaten in a while, was so engrossed in learning I forgot to eat." Harry said leaving his room and exiting the Leaky Cauldron for the muggle side, he didn't know nearly enough about the magical world to know what a good breakfast/lunch food item was, with the weird stuff that they were offering as food, even if they were just names, Harry didn't find any of it appealing.

'I hope it's better at Hogwarts…' Harry silently prayed.

Harry had eventually found a shop that sold food, and bought his fill with the money he had on him, which thankfully was enough, he was nearly out of muggle money with only wizard currency left.

"Who'd have thought that half a dozen fruits and a bread roll would cost so much…" Harry mused as he returned to the Leaky Cauldron, back to his room for more self-study.

Centering himself Harry began casting.

 **Hellow Harry!**

Harry's concentration broke and his textbook felt flying into the wall with a dull thud and a smack as it hit the floor.

 **** **It's interesting to know you are a good learner here and just faked bad grades. In Hogwarts canon, that harry knows like 10 spells max in all his life and even teaches about them!**

"At least I have a number that I can look to beat now. And I really can't believe how much the 'canon me' let the Dursley's influence his learning… couldn't imagine being like that for real." Reasoned Harry as he cast the spell again, bringing his textbook back to him, doing another one of his notepad and pen.

 **I mean, in the whole series there must be a max of 30 spells not counting variations and don't get me started on the other magical arts. Just know there is a largely unknown amount of magic culture that the author will be thinking from scratch. Please be thankful that he doesn't leave you to the abyss known as hiatus or worse, abandons your story.**

"You wouldn't do that to me would you Al?" Harry asked a little worried.

 **Don't stress Harry, my young son, as long as people review the story I will have a reason to continue writing, that and if I didn't I'd be dead bored, assuming that I didn't think up something new to write.** **  
** **Moving onto happier notes, I'm interested in knowing if you need to cast a familiar spell on Hedwig or if they have already done so in the shop. If you can also investigate how does owls find the persons they need to deliver their letters to. It could be useful while confronting baldimort.**

 **As far as I'm going with that, the familiar/master thing isn't a spell that creates the bond, it's the owners magic that bonds with the animal over time given enough devotion, time and trust it will develop on its own.**

 **As for the owl finding its destination target, that does have potential, we'll have to explore that later on Harry.**

 **Moving on!** **  
** **Now, for Mr. Author** **  
** **Hello!** **  
** **Keep up the nice work Al. I'm sure your story will only grow larger and more readen as chapters come. I know from experience as my baby seems to get views between the largest intervals.**

 **That's the idea, cheers mate.** **  
** **Now I leave you both with this interesting though: what would happen should Harry disappear in the middle of his shorting ceremony? Just try it for lolz and it may also give you hints for who to watch out.**

 **Yes, the sorting ceremony, I've been thinking about that quite a bit, where to put you will have a very big impact on things, and the people around you.**

"Why is that exactly? Why would my house have so much interest? I mean _I know why_ , but…why?" Harry asked, unable to eloquently word his question.

 **A bit to do with the prophecy, a bit to do with your parents, a lot to do with your parents actually and the people that knew them. I always had the thought that the staff will never actually see** _ **you,**_ **more so they will see the son of Lily and James Potter and expect you to be just like them.**

"That's just stupid, how could I be like them if they've been dead for a decade? Petunia never once said a thing about either unless it was to insult them, so I tuned that out whenever it came up." Harry retorted.

 **They probably fed into Dumbledore's belief that they were treating you well, canon wise it's very hard to tell for sure, at least for me; story wise however is a totally different…story. *face palm***

Harry nearly face-planted, losing his spell focus, his book crashing to the floor again.

 **Oh boy that was bad…**

"You think?" quipped Harry.

 **Quiet you.**

Time passed till the late hours of afternoon peaked, and Harry was easily moving his two textbooks all around the room, moving one while leaving the other in place and rotating the two between which one moved and which one stayed.

 **You're doing very well Harry, good job.**

Harry nearly preened at the praise.

However his focus snapped quite abruptly as a picture materialised in front of him. a picture of him, an older him, with a poncy looking blonde and a gangly looking redhead.

All intimately holding onto each other without a shred of clothing, explicit toys of all kinds, whips and ropes surrounding them.

"BAH! MY EYES!" Harry shrieked, his hands covering his eyes in a flash. "AL! WHY IN GODS NAME WOULD YOU DO THAT?" Harry hollered.

 **Wasn't me. It was Verteller.**

 ***Gives Harry a photo of an explicit threesome with him, Draco, and Ron with everything showing. Complete with bondage, toys, ect.* HA! MAY YOUR INNOCENTS BURN IN EROTIC HELL!**

Imagine, if you will, an intricately crafted porcelain doll, the most precious decorated face with the prettiest dress of the deepest blue.

Gets thrown into the mouth of a volcano.

And is promptly incinerated.

This was what was Harry's innocence, (what was left of it from the Dursley's) that was just vaporised.

Harry was rocking himself, his arms hugging his knees to his chest rocking back and forwards nearly shacking like a leaf in the wind.

"I didn't see anything, I didn't see anything, I didn't see anything, I didn't see anything." Over and over again.

 **Thank you** _ **so**_ **much for that Verteller.**

Al, like with Harry's letter to Snape, vanished it out of existence never to be sen again.

It was nearly 40 minutes later when the tremors shaking Harry's body finally subsided.

"Al, why did you do that?" He asked with a sniff.

 **It was part of a review, I had to put it in. It's part of the rule I set myself when I realized what this story really was, that I was going to put every review, regardless of content, in the story. I have no control over what anyone writes in a review, but that was pretty hard to write.**

"I feel like a part of me just died." Harry croaked.

 **I believe that was Verteller's goal all along, hence the 'innocence burn in erotic hell' ending of the review.**

"But why? Why would anyone do that to a little boy?" Harry rasped.

 **Some people don't have a reason for the things they do, some just want to watch the world burn. On the subject of burning things, maybe you ought to try practicing the Fire making charm for a little while?**

"Why would I want to do that?"

 **Think of me as a doctor prescribing you with a means of treatment, learning the charm will be a form or catharsis, it will help you overcome such a grievous experience.**

"What's catharsis?" Harry asked as he reopened his charms textbook looking for the Fire Making Charm, still sniffing.

 **The process of releasing and thereby providing relief from strong or repressed emotions. I think witnessing such a visual such as that picture definitely qualifies as a strong emotion.**

"Found it… I just need a target to practice on…" muttered Harry.

A stone furnace, something completely out of the ordinary to be in an Inn room, appeared at the base of Harry's bed.

The word Verteller etched on its innards.

 **How about destroying that? Get your revenge, send it to hell for what it did to you!**

Harry gripped his wand tightly and waved it.

"INCENDIO!"

The room literally bathed in flames.

…

The furnace was a pile of slag amongst a totally ruined room, everything either destroyed or on fire being destroyed.

 **I think I'll fix the mess. Go get cleaned up and have a shower.**

Harry didn't need to be told twice.

 **Hi! I just want to say that I adore this story, though I am wondering if Harry could approach the Malfoy's to take him on as a Ward. Lucius, if given PUBLIC guardianship of the BWL, would be a good role model to teach Harry how to survive the Wizarding Public's Perception. Hope to read more soon, bye!**

Harry, standing in the shower, after hearing the name Malfoy, was physically sick and puked, not hearing anything else of the review. the name Malfoy made him remember the photo.

 **I have nice timing don't I?**

"Bastard…" was all Harry said as he watched the previous contents of his stomach wash down the drain.

Returning to his room in the Leaky a while later, Harry stepped into a pristine room, all his belongings neatly packed away as if he had never set the room alight.

 **Am I a bastard now?**

"…"

 **Come on, say it.**

"….I'm sorry I called you a bastard." Harry relented.

 **Ah, the Boy Who Lived DOES have good manners after all.**

"Al you know that I hat- no, you know what? I don't give two shits about that anymore, I am done caring about that…" Harry said, getting dressed and leaving his room.

 **Methinks that someone's hungry, early dinner eh?**

After eating what Harry thought he ordered was going to be a roast that turned out to be something completely different that did NOT taste like it at all, did Harry return to his room to return to his textbooks.

This time it was his potions book.

This was going to be an interesting read.

 **Hey! I'm back! Just like I promised!**

Harry nearly jumped off his bed in fright again.

 **Sooner or later this won't startle you, that's the endgame.**

 **Harry, sorry about earlier mate... *blushes a bit*** **  
** **Um, okay! No surprise hugs! Got it! But which was worse, getting surprised hugged by me or getting a shower of kisses? XD (emoji Harry!)**

'It was the hugs.' Harry had a thing against restricted movement.

 **As for writing to Snape, be polite. If you make a good impression MAYBE things will go better? Oh and for your 6th year, be really careful with spells you don't know. Like, seriously, just don't.**

'No problems there, I can assure you.' Harry thought as the review filterd through his psyche. **  
** **And Al, as a writer myself, I know how hard it can be sometimes. So thank you so much for working on this story. I'm actually (actively) working on two (kind of 3) original stories WRITE now and I keep thinking: Has this been done? Should I do this trope? Is this character too much like this character? And I keeping personalities consistent? (I'm terrible at that last one) So Al, I wish you luck on here, and hope that writer's block doesn't plague you too often.** **  
**

**Not to worry, I have the canon storyline to keep me pretty much on track event wise, it's how Harry will go about being put through this that will make it hard.**

 **Especially when he know what's coming.** **  
** **And Harry, good luck to you... Just in general.**

 **-CS15**

 **PS: Harry whats my name? :)**

Harry retrieved his notepad and went back a few pages till he found a previous review from CS15.

"It's Farin Green from America." Harry answered.

 **That was very good use of notes taken, remember that you can't always do that though, so be mindful.**

"Yeah yeah, sometimes it feel like you're trying to be my father or something…" groaned Harry.

 **Oh right, because Farin's a guest reviewer, she can review as many times a single chapter as she likes, as she just did.**

 **Here some more.**

 **Y** **ou don't have to respond to this in the story just putting that out there.**

 **Yes, I do actually.**

 **Okay, actual review time. Um... I think you're really well! Review inputs are funny, but they take up so much space! But I think that reviews are a great way to overcome writer's block, and if it they aren't, well... Yeah I don't know what to tell you :P.**

 **But that's the WHOLE point of the story, using reviews to screw with Harry's life, like with the god awful picture not all that long ago that was vaporised.**

 **You're doing a great job though, and I'm sure many of us are willing to wait a bit.**

 **That's the other reason for putting in the reviews, it provides the 'meat' that Harry can feast on and propel this story forward and unleash hell.**

 **And I kind of have to wait a bit to write the chapter, coz I need the reviews from the last chapter to do it.**

 **Others... Not so much, but that's okay! I hope that this story gets the attention it deserves, but good luck keeping up with reviews when (not if) that happens!**

 **On that note, if I want more attention…should I change its category filters, at least one, from humour or parody, to something else?**

 **Or is it the name?**

 **Does the name let it all down?**

"What DID you name this story anyway?" Harry asked curiously.

 **As of ten chapters, the story is called… *drum roll* Harry Potter: I'm in a WHAT!**

"Huh…"

* * *

AN: There you go, another chapter.

Hope you like it.


	11. Chapter 11

AN: I'm back again, a little later than I wold have liked but life happens and you just have to deal with it the best you can.

A big thank you to all that reviewed, your responses are down below.

* * *

Harry woke up abruptly the next day.

 **You know what Harry?**

"Ah! Al would it kill you not to wake me up like that?" Harry demanded as he sat up, his hand searching his bedside for his glasses.

'I should probably look into getting these things replaced." Harry thought groggily as his fingers found the thin frames of eyewear.

'Maybe I should look into getting contact lenses instead…' Harry thought as he placed the frames on his face and the world came into focus. 'I wouldn't be reduced to a fumbling mess, like I would be if my glasses came off my face.'

And his glasses did move around on his head a bit, the frames cheaply made and were not made to sit still on his face had fallen off his face a few times, especially when he as running.

"What was that Al?" Harry asked, his brain only registering that Al had said something that woke him up, not what it was.

 **Something you said yesterday, thought you might like to know that it didn't happen.**

"I said a lot of things happened yesterday Al…be more exact."

 **When I listen all the people with the story on Alerts, you said that it would make people upset, well it didn't happen and I got off scot free.**

"Wait…was that ALL you woke me up for? To brag you didn't get raged at by readers?" he asked in disbelief.

 **Yep! *Joker Grin***

A Flagrate image popped into existence in front of Harry's face, making him jump in surprise at a huge grinning face popping up centimetres from his own.

"AH!" he yelped. "Damn it Al!"

 **BAHAHAHAHA!**

Growling deeply in his throat Harry got out of bed annoyed, there was no point of staying in bed once he'd woken up, because it was a habit that had been well ingrained in him under the _gentle_ care of the Dursley parents he'd just learnt to deal with it.

And he liked his sleep damn it. It was the only time he was really, actually, _free_ from everything.

 **Actually no, I didn't wake you up just for that, I woke you up because its 8 in the morning and you have some learning to do, you have a fictional image created of yourself by the masses that you need to destroy on first impression, remember?**

 **Or will doing all this practicing actually fulfil that image that they have of you with all those fictional books… if you show up knowing all of this…?**

 **Hmmm.**

 **Ah well, nothing a Wipe won't fix.**

 **That or you could just pretend…**

 **Or maybe…**

Harry did his best to tune Al's voice out of his head as he got ready for the day.

 **So after this latest post, I've acquired another reader, one that's reviewed past chapters too so get ready to hear some new feedback for past days.**

"Terrific, hey maybe if I'm lucky I'll get out of it without nearly getting suffocated with hugs and kisses." Harry said, a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

 **Don't bet on it kid, you're in for another day of cuddles and kisses from the masses, you will, eventually learn to love it, or maybe grow dependant on it. Oh my, you might turn into a hugs and kisses junkie… you are at the cusp of the hormone flooding stage.**

"Don't call it that… please…" Harry begged with a pained look across his face, this topic made him really uncomfortable.

 **As I said, you WILL learn to love it, it's part of the male teenage years of growing up and after it's finished you'll be sad that you didn't 'live it up' like you could have.**

"Can we get on with the feedback already?" Harry asked quickly as a means to change the subject, if he was lucky Al might drop the subject.

 **Alright. This was written for the fourth update.**

"What day was that?" Asked a confused Harry.

 **Umm, hold on… it was the chapter where your mind grasped the fact that your life was a fanfic, you were still in the cupboard at the time.**

"Oh right, back then. Thank you _so_ much for reminding me…" Deadpanned Harry.

 **Oh, you're most welcome. *Smiley Face***

 **`Wow. This is really shaping up to be an interesting story. I like it. Nice work.**

 **I try.**

 **P.S. Harry's defiance is actually rather cute. I can totally see him being a real heartbreaker when he gets older. The girls (and/or guys) will be lining up by third or maybe even second year I bet.**

"Oh no, no no no no no."

 **Is someone still in their 'girls are icky' stage?**

 **Give Harry my love. Al, stay funny.** **  
****-Holly Sol**

Harry braced for the onslaught of phantom hugs and kisses, and for 15 seconds of a state of apprehension Harry relaxed.

"It didn't happen this time." He praised, nearly at tears from being free from the 'affections' of readers.

At least this one.

Thank god.

Oh wait, God was Al, better not thank him then.

 **Good Stuff.**

 **Bet you're happy with that one, it was short and sweet, no contact with readers to make you uncomfortable.**

"Yep." Agreed Harry as he finished getting dressed for the day before leaving his room for breakfast.

 **So the game plan pretty much the same as yesterday?**

"More or less, unless something pops up…" Harry answered as he bade a good morning to Tom as he looked over his options for breakfast.

'I hope nothing pops up…'

 **So Holly Sol struck again, in the past, when you spoke to your aunt about your letter and the day you found out about emoji's.**

 **Aww. So cute. I love this story (and this Harry), mainly because the story (and Harry! He's so CUTE) is so refreshing.**

'What is with people and calling me cute?' Thought an indignant Harry, his cheeks puffing in frustration.

He _wasn't_ cute.

Why did they all keep saying that? **  
** **-Holly Sol** **  
** **P.S. This is why gods usually don't interfere. The humans tend to get annoyed at the manipulations. 'S bad for business.**

 **Bad for business maybe, but it's a hell of a lot more fun this way. Cheers Holly!**

Harry decided on his breakfast and put in his order before taking a seat at a table.

 **Holly again! That's one dedicated reader.**

'No kidding.'

 **I just read My Immortal. Or at least the first 11 chapters of it. Excuse me now while I go regrow my eyeballs.**

'It couldn't seriously be that bad…' thought Harry.

 **To Harry: DO NOT read My Immortal if you value your life. It is so badly written that I reckon it would be fatal for a human to read it all in one sitting.**

**-Holly Sol**

 **I repeat what I said before, if anyone gives you too much trouble, you could always force whoever it is to read My Immortal…I'll give you a paperback book version for you to torture people with.**

"I'm not at the stage where anything like that is needed, thank you." Harry muttered lowly.

 **Suit yourself, but the option is there if you want it, like for example if you should find yourself at the Dursley house again…**

For the next few minutes Harry was content to just sit at his table and drum his fingers on its surface till his food came.

Which he promptly devoured.

"Oh wow… I really needed that…" Harry said with a wide grin, patting his full belly.

 **Get ready for more.**

'Wait…what?'

 **Ha ha, you're welcome! *gives Harry a tasty freshly baked apple pie* Fear not, just remember that no matter what happens, it could always be worse... then pray that it doesn't get worse.**

 **I'll save you the guessing, this was from the reader that sent you into catatonia.**

A decent sized Apple Pie popped into existence making Harry salivate at the sight.

He had never had apple pie before.

Had seen it eaten in front of his face by Dudley many a time.

But never eaten one before.

Without a seconds thought Harry dove into it before Al's words, and those of the review fluttered back to his mind.

"Cata watia?"

 **Catatonia, it means a state of immobility or stupor.**

 **This, I think, might be a means of saying sorry, from Verteller, for their explicit guy threesome picture they sent you.**

 **There's also a lesson in the short review too, Verteller said that it could always be worse, then pray that it doesn't; the meaning of this is of course, don't tempt fate!**

 **You think that MY writing of events might be cruel? Fate, my young friend, is by far a much crueller mistress than I could ever be, just remember the highlights of your life story that I told you about and be thankful that it won't happen to you like that again.**

A brief moment of recollection for Harry as he thought of the Harry Potter events, as written by this J K Rowling lady and Harry was quick to agree with Al.

Stuffing his face with as much apple pie as he could, Harry found it difficult to make it back up the stair to his room from overeating.

After he paid Tom for his food, of course.

 **Easy there Grasshopper, don't want to get sick now before you start all the wand waving…oh wow, can't believe I just said that…**

 ***Face Palm***

"Huh?" Harry said, scratching his head in confusion, before caressing his queasy gut.

 **You'll understand when you're older…or not, considering who your teachers are going to be, what they'll teach you, how little of it they'll teach you and how much you're going to remember of it...**

"What the hell are you talking about?" Demanded Harry.

 **Usually subjects like this would be given by family, usually your parents or guardians but since you lack people in that role, or in this case people that hate you are in those roles it will fall to me to do it.**

"Al…" Harry said, a great sense of foreboding overcame him.

 **When a man likes a woman, sometimes, typically in the teenage years, his willy will…**

 **(*v*)**

Needless to say, after Al's expiation of the how's and why's of why males get erections, Harry was so embarrassed and uncomfortable he nearby became catatonic again.

"I'm never going to be able to shake hands with another man ever again…" Harry shuddered before Al's words about wand waving came to the forefront making him gape. "Oh my god…"

 **Now he gets it…why did I have to say that of all things at that time of all times?**

Several minutes passed as Harry's brain fought to disengage itself from its previous topic, Harry coming to a decision soon after.

"That's it! I've decided I don't want to use magic with my wand!" Harry announced, before his face flushed pink at the innuendo of his statement.

 **Yep, mission accomplished Verteller, you vaporised Harry's innocence.**

 **We could have waited at least a year till he was 12… oh well.**

Getting his blush under control Harry glared up into space.

"You're despicable."

 **You love me.**

 **So you want to use magic without your wand eh? That's quite a goal to set yourself when you barely know anything about it, with exception to a few spells.**

"I'll make it up as I go along if I have to." Harry declared.

 **Ok, if you're sure… we'll see if this is a passing craze or not…**

Harry, the glimmer if purpose in his eye, left the Leaky Cauldron for Diagon Alley's bookstores.

He needed to find out how to go wandless.

And fast.

(*v*)

It took Harry the whole day, but he finally found somewhere that sold references to Foci free magic use.

It required, from what Harry understood, one quarter of all the money he had access to.

Harry still thought it was worth it though.

So after spending 250 galleons on a rather slim book about internally focusing ones magic, Harry made his way back to the Leaky Cauldron to start his ambition.

He took to laying on his bed as he read the hows to use wild magic.

He fell asleep with it on his face, which, if your wear glasses, is not a good idea.

The next morning when Harry awoke, he was greeted with a blurry bed, with his book dropped to the ground, pages folded in on themselves pressed against the floor.

"Fuck…" Harry was quick to locate his glasses, which while falling off his face as he slept, had also broken when they dropped off the bed to the ground.

They were really cheap glasses, what do you expect?

Scowling as he grasped his Holly wand, Harry cast the mending charm on them, smiling grimly as the cheap frames fused back together, the small cracks in the lenses sealing themselves.

 **Good morning, my young charge. How goes your endeavour?**

Flicking his wand back on his bed Harry growled in annoyance.

"It has a lot to do with mental focus, this book has a lot of references to the mental branches of magic which are really hard for some people to learn."

 **Yes well, you kinda knew that going in, didn't you?**

 **Anyway, I have another guest review, the reader named themselves Guest, of all things, this one might come in handy.**

 **:Yo, great story so far. You should have harry learn Occlumancy and have his magic interfere and mix with his forth wall breaking, to give him a shared mindscape with deadpool.**

"Like who?" Harry asked perplexed.

 **Deadpool is a comic book character, who if I'm correct, has Multiple Personality Disorder.**

"Multiple what now?"

 **Think of it like having more than 2 voices in your head that speak to each other as if they were separate people.**

 **Kind of like you right now having a voice in your head, me, that only you can hear and talk to.**

 **Also to make up for that** **  
** **asn't me. It was Verteller.**

'Oh no…' dreaded Harry.

 **`*Gives Harry a photo of an explicit threesome with him, Susan Bones, and Nymphadora Tonks with everything showing.***

A poster size photo at that, making Harry nearly choke on air as his eyes took in the sights of two totally naked girls in front of him rubbing themselves up against Harry in the picture whom was years older than present Harry.

 **That can be you with a bit of work, you might also end up happier with some girls to love you and maybe have a family with** **  
****All the best Harry, and to surprise you. FISTBUMP OF AWESOMENESS!**

The feeling of knuckles bumping against his own was enough to knock him out of his staring at his newly acquired moving poster.

"I have to hide this." Quickly as he could Harry rolled up the poster and put it away in his bag.

 **Don't be such a wimp, stare at it a while!**

"No way, those two will be at Hogwarts, I'll never be able to look at them without thinking of that poster now." Harry defended quickly. "It will lead to… questions…"

 **I still say you're a wimp.**

"What do I say if either of them see it?" deflected Harry.

 **Good point….hmm, oh I know! I'll take it from you so you can't get into any hot water. There, problem solved!**

"Not unless you can wipe my mind of ever seeing it… damn it all, now I won't be able to think of anything else but that all day! ARGH!"

 **Now now, calm your farm. There's another review I think you should hear before you go do your morning routine.**

 **It's a doozy.**

 **But it's from RPB, of course it would be.**

 **Oh, Harry, I am so sorry you had to see that.**

"I'll bet you are."

 **No, I think they were referring to the three guy's picture. Oh hey, you could use the one you just got to help forget your first explicit picture.**

 **Just be thankful it was only one picture you saw and for only a few seconds, it could have been so much worse. So very, very much worse.**

'No kidding…' Harry shivered at the memory, his mind quickly going back to the Bones/Tonks sandwich briefly to nullify the former image.

 **But to make up for your trauma I'm giving you a present!**

 ***makes the box set of all seven Harry Potter books appear in front of Harry* Now you can know what everyone is talking about when they refer to canon events Al didn't cover in detail! I'd give you the DVDs/Videos too but I don't know how you'd watch them in a Magical environment.**

Harry could only stare in wonder as a crate (small box actually, but meh) with 7 books appeared in his bed.

'I have some more reading to do…yikes…' **  
**

 **Also, since you didn't seem to pick up a Wand Holster, I got you one of those too! *makes a Dragon hide forearm holster with Magical Signature specific catch release- so no one can take it off you manually- as well as quick release, instant recall and anti-summoning charms woven in to it- to make it harder for enemies to get hold of your Wand and leave you helpless- appear on Harry's right forearm***

Harry looked at the holster in wonder for a moment, his mind racing.

 **I love giving presents, especially useful ones.**

 **Now this part is for Al.** **  
****ZelotOneShotter, I just want to say that I LOVE your stories! They are so well written and utterly captivating! Though this one in particular takes the cake. *shares a slice of Death By Chocolate cake with Harry***

Dark brown chocolate cake appeared on his bed next to the crate of books.

 **No cake before breakfast!**

Harry face faulted.

 **And I was wondering if you'd be okay with sharing your works with Harry as I'd love to know his reactons/opinions on them, let him see how other FanFics work. Who knows? He may just become a fan too. :...**

 **This message has been truncated due to length. To view in full, please visit site.**

"Hey yeah, you do have more stories of me, don't you?"

 **We've been through this before, yes I have more than this story in the works, when really I shouldn't, it's so hard to write so many at once…can only imagine how DZ2 feels... Ok I'll tell you what, if, after you've read your whole book series, AFTER you've dressed and eaten and all that crap; if after all that you want to know what they are or read them yourself, I will let you.**

Harry could barely contain his excitement, he had so much to do today!

(*v*)

Harry couldn't believe what he was reading.

He really couldn't.

He remembered that Al had glossed over his life story with just the main parts but…dayum!

It took him 3 whole days to read through all 7 books and Harry was dumbstruck.

"Holy crap…"

 **I know right? I was like that too when I read them, except for the Seventh book, I saw that in movie form.**

"No not that, people are really dumb in this series…in this world." Harry said totally baffled.

'Does magic make people dumber?' he thought absently.

 **Yep, it's what drove me to write fanfiction about you mate, there's just so much we can tamper with because the people in it are just that stupid…**

"Man, I really did act like a lamb to slaughter didn't I?" Harry shivered. "Thank god I know all this ahead of time, there's no way I'm going to let all this crap happen to me this time."

 **Good for you.**

"Now what are your other stories?" Harry asked eagerly.

 **Hey woa calm down there, don't go jumping the gun like that, you can't afford to slip off into fanfiction land when you have so much stuff of your own to do. If you start reading all of my stuff you'll get too engrossed in it that you won't focus time on your practicing of magic.**

 **You DO still want to blitz everyone at Hogwarts, don't you?**

 **And you only have a few weeks till September 1** **st** **…**

"I…yeah I do… should have thought of that… bugger." Harry's shoulders sagged. "I just so wrapped up in all of it."

 **Believe me, I know how you feel. I'd get so wrapped up in writing a story sometimes that everything kind of took a backseat.**

 **Like this one for example.**

 **Now go put you shit away and get back to doing what you do best, self-learning.**

"Kinda like this Hermione I just read about now that I think about it..." Mused Harry as he retrieved his learning materials, it was going to be a long day.

 **Huh, now that's interesting… don't think that that's happened all that much…**

Harry, though he might regret it, had to ask.

"What's happened now?" he asked, putting his book down.

 **Well you know the reader that reviewed as a guest? The one that gave you the epic fist-bump? Well I got another review nearly identical as the other one, from a registered reader so I'll save your brain the trouble and not put it down.**

 **Moving on.**

Harry just shook his head as he lifted his book back up to continue reading.

 **HOLD IT!**

Harry nearly jumped out of his skin.

"What the hell Al?" Harry exclaimed, his hand over his thumping heart.

 **Sorry, just wanted you to stop you before you got started reading.**

"What? WHY?!" asked an indignant Harry. "You just told me to get to reading."

 **Yeah, but that was before I got another review, this one has a gift for you that will be integral to your learning.**

"Integ- what?"

 **Integral means vital or basic, or central; basically it means that it's important.**

 **StoryLover:We can make objects appear for Harry? Awesome! Harry, I give you a Kindle!**

A book sized flat device appeared in Harry's hand that had a keyboards worth of buttons underneath it.

 **One that runs on Magic and recharges just from you holding it, downloads any and all books just by holding it to the book's cover, comes with already installed all-language translator and dictionary- full of Magical and non-Magical terminology- and a Spell Lister App that lists all the most commonly used Spells and how to cast them as well as designating their skill level from Beginner to Master. Enjoy!**

The device in Harry's hand spontaneously lit up.

M-Reader™

This is not a Brain substitute!

You still have to think for yourself!

Harry nearly dropped the thing from shock.

A little dazed Harry lent the M Reader up against the book he was reading, to see the screen light up with words, the screen showing the passage that Harry was just now about to read.

"AWESOME!" Harry called out, before another thought came to mind. "I could just about steal any book with this thing next time I go to Florish and Blotts…wow."

 **Hey now, calm the fuck down amigo, why the hell did your mind jump to that thought?**

Harry had the decency to blush.

"Well I was thinking that I'd save me the time of having to go back later if I had it all the first time. From what I understood from Storylover this thing can copy any book it touches so I could read it later if I want to. This thing is brilliant! Plus it adds as a dictionary, so I don't have to ask you what everything means anymore."

 **I'm really happy about that by the way.**

"Thought you might."

 **But back to my previous question. Thievery? You're going to go to a bookstore and use your M-Reader to more or less take everything in sight without paying for it?**

 **Dude…**

"Oh come on! If I go up and say what I'm going to do with the thing, then I'm more likely to have it taken off me; I haven't even used it yet and I'm already attached. Besides with how stupid the people in the magical world are, they probably won't even believe me, or think that it's some kind of Dark Magic."

 **Can't fault you there…ok I'll tell you what... seeing as that was a gift given by a reader, I can't, in good conscience, take it away from you so you can do with it what you will, just be mindful of the kind of karma that you'll bank.**

"Eh?"

 ***Sigh***

 **The common idea is that your every action will affect others, either positively or negatively and this energy will eventually return to you. Things that create positive karma are easy to identify, but if you steal that counts as negative karma.**

 **And I'm no expert, but if you go into the bookstore and copy every book inside, well that's negative karma for every book copied.**

Harry pouted.

"That was very Dumbledore-y."

 **Hang on a sec! You have a dictionary, right in your hands! Why did I explain that to you when you could have looked it up yourself?!**

"You're faster."

 ***Sputter***

Harry just laughed joyously as he went back to reading off the M Reader.

 **Think I'm going to continue on to the next review, how's about a readers ramblings to scramble your concentration, ya brat!**

Harry felt his head being patted by a phantom hand, like he was a dog or cat and scowled.

 **Okay the title is what really brought me here, it reminded me of the introduction Harry had in the original book, just what even Al?**

 **Alright! Ok already, I won't change it, I was just having a little self conscious episode at the time alright?**

 **I'm allowed those aren't I?** **  
** **Also why stress about making a letter ta Sev when you really should be sending one to Moony?**

This time Harry did drop the M Reader.

'Oh my god… why didn't I think of that?' Que face-palm.

 **Or your God father, who is wrongly imprisoned btw. Granted he's sorta a bit more than a hothead, I mean seriously, who abandons a kid in a place where their parents just flipping died for revenge on a rat. *Shakes head* It's dumb, but seriously, Moony is dying of guilt right now [I think] sending a letter to him might be worth a shot?**

"Why din't I think of that?" He bemoaned as he hastily moved to retrieve the necessary pen and paper. His M reader temporarily forgotten in his haste.

Paper because… fuck parchment.

And the quill too, that could go to hell as well.

 **Oh, sorry for the long review.**

 **But anyway, Harry, I wish yah luck kid... *Gently pats Harry's head***

 **N Al I love your writing style it's great! I keep getting sucked into the story.**

 **Oh nice! That's a load off my back, at least someone likes how I write.**

 **Oh and please, continue with the long reviews! I love them so.**

 **Come back soon!**

The patting on Harry's head finally stopped, Harry's shoulders drooping in relief as he began to write.

 **What are you gonna say?**

 **That he let you down epically for thinking about only himself all these years and never getting in contact with you?**

 **Though if you do try that approach he'll most likely go the Dumbledore road and say he was told it was for your safety not to be contacted.**

 **That's my best guess anyway.**

 **Are you going to tell him about Sirius being innocent?**

 **And what about Sirius, he's innocent in Azkaban, that isn't any kind of holiday I'd wish on a lot of people.**

 **Unless they had a reserve stock of negative karma, then they deserve it.**

 **Hey you ought to look up or invent a spell to reveal someone's karma.**

"Al, would you mind shutting the hell up? I'm trying to think here." Harry spat scathingly.

 ***recoil***

 **Wow dude, ok I'll give you some peace.**

 ***Gentle Whistle***

After 15 minutes of thinking, writing, scrunching up paper and starting fresh Harry finally finished what he felt was an adequate introduction letter. Calling for Hedwig Harry gave her the letter and sent her off.

 **I wonder how long it'll take her to find the recluse known as Remus John Lupin… hmm Rowling had a particular way of naming characters, Lupin and Fenrir for werewolves is a bit obvious… and before you even** _ **think**_ **of asking me, use your M Reader if you want to know what those words mean!**

Harry just cracked a grin before doing just that.

"Huh, yeah you're right about that… and Remus wondered why it was hard for him to hide his condition, it's more or less part of his name for crying out loud."

 **What are you gonna do about your fathers other friend currently in the Slammer of Doom and Gloom?**

 **And the Death Eater that's listed as dead but not actually, i.e. Barty Jr.**

"Think I'll go to the Ministry's Law Enforcement, kick a bee's nest and ask the Head of whatever department is in charge of that stuff. My practicing magic can wait a little while I think." Harry said, a determined glint in his eye.

It was time to start some shit.

(*v*)

After getting directions from Tom to the Ministry Harry made haste to the fireplace and floo'd over to the Ministry.

Where he discovered firsthand what floo travel was all about.

"There's reading about it," he winced as he got up off the ground. "And there's living it…ouch."

Harry moved to the check in line for his visitor's badge.

"Name and purpose of visit?" the man asked blandly when Harry got to the front.

"Harry Potter to see the Department of Magical Law Enforcement." Harry answered clearly.

Naturally his name drew a lot of eyes, and people started muttering between themselves immediately after.

Harry did his best to pay it no mind and accepted his visitor's badge, as well as a brief direction to reach the DMLE branch and moved on into the lobby.

'Doesn't anyone have anything better to do than to stare at me? Jeez…' Harry thought with a scowl as he moved swiftly through the Ministry of Magic to the DMLE offices.

(*v*)

"So, you're telling me," Madam Bones started, looking Harry dead in the eye in her office. "That Sirius Black is currently in Azkaban with no lawful conviction?"

"That's what I'm saying, yes. There is no file in record that Sirius Black, my godfather I might add, was guilty of anything that he is accused of doing. All I'm asking for is a little Veritaserum to clean up the mess, so that it shows on your records. Besides if he was Voldemorts," Harry watched Amelia Bones stiffen at the name. "Second in command, then it would help clear up the claims of imperius from those that were accused."

Amelia studied Harry for a few moments, debating on the information.

"If I'm wrong, I'll pay for the cost of everything, as I'm sure arranging all of what I'm asking isn't cheap… but if I'm right…"

 **Very clever, asking the use of Veritaserum would have Sirius expose Pettigrew, negating the free agent for that resurrection in Year Four. You know the downside to all of this though right? If you go through with all of this, then everything in your canon story will be made useless.**

 **Actually yes, that's exactly right, I can't do that if I want to use canon as a template.**

'Oh no…'

 **Sorry buddy.**

 **Wipe**

Harry was back at the Cauldron, probably just before he left for the Ministry.

"AL! What's the point of knowing what's going to happen if you won't let me do anything with it?!" Raged Harry.

 **That's the problem with knowing the future, once you know what's to happen, it changes because you've seen it.**

 **Anywho, I have another review from Axc-o for ya.**

 **Hellow once again, dear author and authored.** **  
** **Here are some alternative titles if you're interested:** **  
** **Harry Potter: I'm...** **  
** **A transdimensional entity capable of changing reality.**

 **Pass.** **  
** **A twilight vampire/werewolf**

 **Hell no.** **  
** **The Sorcerer Supreme**

 **Pass** **  
** **Just Harry**

"Nope." **  
** **The Despair Arrancar**

 **Before you even ask, look it up afterwards.** **  
** **Harry Houdini, escapist extraordinary**

 **That has potential actually…**

"No."

 **Aww.** **  
** **4th wall breaker**

 **Seems a bit direct, don't you think?**

 **Hope you got some giggles out of the titles. Here is my review.**

 **OOOH! The juicy stuff!** **  
** **If you want to experiment with magic I urge you to learn some kind of magical remote control first and foremost. It will aid you with spells like the lumos and incendio you have already tried and... let's try this review delivery service (RDS?)**

A meter by meter by meter crate, the emblem RDS on its sides, dropped into the room with a dull thud. **  
** ***sends a pair of Steampunk styled, orange tinted, omnicular spells and magic-viewing enhanced protective lens*** **  
** **Everything ok with the item delivery?**

Without even thinking Harry darted for the crate, opening the container for its contents.

"Sweet!" **  
** **use them even if only for reviews, I really like the steampunk harry fanart.**

 **Searching…. Hey yeah some of that does look pretty damn good.** **  
** **...** **  
** **See ya!**

 **Think I'll keep the RDS … it makes for a better, more organised delivery system if, no not if because let's face it; once readers found out that they could give you stuff they went crazy. It'll lessen the chance of other characters of this story somehow catching onto the fact that you miraculously get stuff out of thin air that shouldn't exist.**

Harry was quick to try on the clothes within the RDSC (Review Delivery Service Crate from now on) and was happily surprised when they all fit him, with a little growing room.

"Oh wow." Harry gaped as he looked around the room with his new eyewear. Magic was everywhere he looked.

 **Hey, maybe if you're smart enough, you could use those lenses to assist with your goal of going wandless, of the magical sense not anatomically, obviously.**

Harry flushed pink at that.

"Damnit Al!"

 **What can I say, the chance was there I had to take it.**

Harry, his face losing its coloured tinge, dove into his recently bought wandless magic material.

A thought struck Harry as he read through the first passage.

"You know Al…"

 **Hmm?**

"You say that you don't want things to change so you can use canon events, but if I'm better at everything than I am in canon, then everything will change anyway."

 **Bugger, you have a point… well shit, there goes easy street for me then.**

"So I am going to the DMLE, and no matter what you say or do to try distract me from it, I will do it; going wandless can wait till after." Harry set his things to the side, holstering his wand in its holster on his arm with a frown before heading out.

 **Before you go do your Speech for Freedom of Sirius, a quick refresh on canon material.**

 **From Sirius own mouth.**

[" **Oh I know Crouch all right," he said quietly. "He was the one who gave the order for me to be sent to Azkaban — without a trial."]**

[" **And I wasn't the only one who was handed straight to the dementors without trial. Crouch fought violence with violence, and authorized the use of the Unforgivable Curses against suspects."]**

 **That was in the fourth book if you want to check.**

Harry was quick to re-enact his previous movements and found himself back at the Ministry of Magic DMLE offices with Amelia Bones across from him.

"I'll cut to the chase Madam Bones, there's a man in Azkaban right now, lawfully, shouldn't be there." Harry stated bluntly.

"Mr Potter," Amelia started, slightly shocked. "I can assure you that no one within Azkaban is there unlawfully."

"I'm asking, as the wronged party, to have Sirius Black explain to me why he chose to betray my family, can you do that, at least?"

"Mr Potter…" Madam Bones began, a pained expression marring her face.

"Look, for ten years I grew up with muggles that told me over and over that magic wasn't real my parents were layabouts and, now that I know that it is real and my parents weren't killed in a car crash all I want is to hear why from the man responsible."

 **Nope try again.**

 **Wipe**

'At least Al only Wiped it back to the start of my talk with Madam Bones.' Harry thought moodily.

"What can I do for you Mr Potter?" Madam Bones asked, once again for the first time.

"I want my godfather, Sirius Black, trialled." Harry tried again.

"Mr Potter Sirius Black was sent to Azkaban for murder, and for being the second in command of You Know Who. When he was arrested he was laughing hysterically in the midst of a scene of a blown up street with more than a few people dead." Amelia said trying to placate the boy, even if she wanted to give into Harry's request, a trial cost a lot of money and the budget for the DMLE was not what it used to be. "There simply is no point, no logical reason to give the man a trial."

"Throwing a pureblood into Azkaban without a trial… I'm sure that will go down really well with the Prophet." Harry replied, earning a glare from Amelia.

"Are you _threatening_ me, Mr Potter?" Madam Bones asked incredulously.

 **Yeah….no this is not happening.**

 **Wipe**

'And I thought this was _such_ a good idea…' griped Harry. 'Let's try a different approach.'

"What can I do for you, Mr Potter?" Madam Bones asked, yet again.

"Madam Bones… I'm requesting Sirius Black receive his trial that's ten years overdue. Should he be guilty I want him subjected to the Dementor's Kiss."

Amelia looked at Harry, stunned.

"Surely that's not necessary Mr Potter."

"Madam Bones, I was only introduced to the magical world recently, and the truth to my parent's death even more so." A little lie, but if it got things further Harry didn't care. "When I was told of how my parents were killed and why I told myself that I wanted to hear from the man himself, who I was told was my father's best friend, the reason why. I'll even pay for it if I have to, I just want to know why." Harry said, nearly begging now, he didn't know how many times he could go through this, trying to ask this stern faced woman to accept his request, three times was reaching his limit.

He was only 11 after all.

 ***crunch crunch* Oh this is good! *Crunch* Swallow* Sluuuuuuuurp***

Unintentionally on Harry's part, his almost begging triggered an action that so many had come to hate, that almost anyone with a heart could not resist.

 **Oh no, oh please god no! Harry don't do it!**

The Puppy Dog Eyes.

Amelia Bones caved.

 ***retch* No! Not the Puppy Dog Eyes! Harry you made me sick, my popcorn and milkshake are ruined because of you!**

'I did what now?' wondered Harry as Amelia Bones started the process to get Sirius Black his trial in front of the Wizengamot.

(*v*)

 **The puppy dog eyes… Harry you made me sick.**

Harry just smiled happily, glad to be out of the Ministry of Magic and back at the Cauldron.

His choice of clothing, the Steampunk styled clothing from Axc-o drew far more attention than Harry was used to.

"Once was enough I think." Decided Harry, changing out of them to a more discreet looking set of clothes.

 **Heads up Harry.**

'Must be a review.' Harry was developing a sense for them strangely enough.

 **The Magical world totally lacks logic. Retain use of your logic and they'll look at your u like you're a genius. Just don't explain it around anyone who's not a muggleborn, unless you want to give them brain damage.**

'I'll definitely keep that in mind for later...'

 **Love** **  
** **-Holly Sol**

 **(Al feel free to smother him in hugs and kisses, Molly Weasley style)**

 ***Manly bear hug***

"GAH!" Harry yelped as his body was enveloped with invisible arms squeezing the air out of his lungs.

 **Get used to it, if you end up following canon and make friends with the Weasley's you'll get to know this really well, except there will be a set of boobs aiding in your suffocation. Just imagine that…**

"I'd rather not…" wheezed Harry as Al finally let him go. "I'd never be able to look Mrs. Weasley in the eyes again, or Mr. Weasley either for that matter."

 **Wuss.**

 **So, you going back to the wandless stuff to advance your quest for stickless magic?**

"Got nothing else to do…" Harry shrugged, retrieving his reference material and the few notes he's inked so far.

The following day was more of the same, sans the trip to the Ministry, where Harry did everything he could think of to use magic wandlessly.

 **I'm running on fumes here, you'll just have to be content with more reviews as you go about your most mind-numbing task of wandless magic.**

 **Silly Harry! You can't be an esper if you're a magical.**

Harry opened his mouth.

 **Look it up!**

His mouth shut with a snap. Could he help it if his first instinct was to ask Al what something meant?

Retrieving his M Reader Harry searched the word.

"Extra Sensory Perception… oh like legilimency that Dumbledore and Snape can do to read minds, I get it now."

 **Um. I think I may have accidentally posted my review more than once. Sorry 'bout that.**

 **No, that's perfectly alright, I am most grateful for your input**

 **With Love to Harry,** **  
** **-Holly Sol**

 **And another one.**

 **H KIrby: So amazing totally cool I mean seriously your amazing.**

 **Oh stop it you, you'll make me blush.**

 **Harry try to make friends with hermione sooner rather then getting attacked by a troll hearts and kisses. Peace out**

"What, I can't decide who I want to make friends with on my own now?" Harry asked incredulously.

 **It does seem that way doesn't it? People are just so used to canon friendships I think.**

 **Heads up Holly Sol coming back again. That's one dedicated reader, I must say.**

"Yeah no kidding."

 **Holly Sol:Wow. I gotta say. This is one of the few stories that is actually fun to review. If this is all some plot to get more reviews then I gotta say, it has most certainly worked.**

 **Oh no, the jig is up, it's finished! Game over! My plot is ruined! No more reviews!**

"And you say I'm a wuss…" Harry muttered.

 **OI! Be very careful you hormone firecracker, if you poke this bear too many times I'll light your body's puberty fuse early, see how you like it then when your surrounded by girls and your pecker decides it likes something you see.**

Harry flushed deep red.

 **That's what I thought.**

 **Next Review! It's a guest, new reader I think.**

 **At the rate this story is going, Harry is either gonna end up insane or cynical since he has to deal with all the b*** and trauma we, the readers, are gonna throw at him.**

Harry was already had his M Reader in his hands.

"Yeah, it probably will." Harry said looking at the definition for cynic.

 **(Humanity knows no bounds after all) I sincerely wish you luck on your... adventure, Harry.**

 ***pats* You're really gonna need all the luck you can get, buddy.**

"You got that right…" muttered Harry, going back to his practicing after the patting had subsided. "With how everyone is going to react to me at Hogwarts, yeah you got that right."

 **Oh, get your notes about wards out, Holly Sol is back again with more info for you about em, and it's a doozy.**

 **Holly Sol:Whoa that's almost exactly how blood wards work.**

 **I Think this is in refrence to Manielle's review way back when you were in Gringotts.**

 **No matter what their purpose, blood wards, since they are powered by emotions between blood relatives, are designed to amplify the feelings of anyone blood related that is living within them. That means that they will amplify the Dursleys's negative feelings for Harry by about tenfold depending on the exact strength of the wards.** **  
**

"So I'm screwed if someone _does_ force me back there after the year is finished… that's just great." Harry said with a scowl, his pen making quick work under Harry's wards subheading.

 **Sorry Harry but that just means you're screwed as long as those wards are up. You could always get them replaced with goblin intent based protection wards. It would be costly but Number 4 would then be safer than Hogwarts itself.**

**-Holly Sol** **  
** **P.S. For Harry: XXXXOOOOXXXXOOOO** **  
** **Take advantage of it while you can. XOXO**

 **P.P.S. I'm logged out to post this because it's telling me for some reason that I can only post one review per chapter.**

 **It is indeed the policy of the site, unless you're a guest reviewer you can't review the same chapter of the same story, it can make things annoying for some, but if you're like me and you want to hound Harry with people's comments guest reviews are gold!**

 **Isn't that right Harry?**

"Bite me."

 **See? He likes them too.**

Scowling with ire as he wrote his notes Harry was shocked suddenly when his pen caught fire in his hands.

"AH!" he yelped as his notes, his precious notes, caught fire along with his pen. "No!" in a rush Harry felt a surge of energy and the fire diminished, snuffing out within a few seconds.

"What the hell was that?" Gaped Harry as he looked at his charred notebook and smouldering pen in the floor.

 **That, my young sage, was your first bout of, albeit unconscious, wandless magic.**

 **Here's a review for your efforts.**

 **Holly Sol:Just a quick question, why can't I see reviews posted after October 30?**

 **Oops, wrong one.**

Just processing the fact that he had just done wandless magic, it took Harry a few moments to process what had just happened.

"What's happened now?" Harry asked, his brain finally coming down from its high of wandless magic use.

 **Nothing to worry about, for a little while for some unknown reason the site wouldn't show reviews after the 30** **th of** **October, then, days later it just fixed itself. Don't worry your jagged forehead about it, there wasn't even a update on the sites front page that something had happened.**

 **But enough of that!**

 **Harry, after your little pyrotechnic display your notes on wards and the like are toast, or ash as the case may be.**

Harry looked at the pile of ash in abject horror, that notepad had his notes on different use of spells as well!

And his pen!

He liked that pen.

"Aw crap."

 **This is as good a time as any to try that repairing spell, though you'll have to use your wand I'm pretty sure, you set fire to stuff with wandless magic… I wouldn't try fixing something like your notepad though, that's ash…you might be able to save your pen though.**

 **Here's an incentive.**

The RDS pinged.

Curious at what it could be Harry opened the crate to find a small flip book inside.

The expression is curiosity killed the cat, and in this case… when Harry picked up the flip book…

 **Now,the HarRoFoy-threesome was good.**

Alarm bells rang loudly in Harrys head. **  
** **How could I ever do to top it?** **  
** **Oh...yes...I think I know how...** **  
** ***cackles*** **  
** **Harry,dear** **  
** **How about...this?**

 ***shows very explicit pictures of Harry,in a gang-bang involving the Dursleys. All of them. Even Marge.***

Harry took one look before the whole album set alight in his hands, turning to ash within moments. **  
**

 **Oh imagine Vernon and Marge to be twins.** **  
** **Because,you know. Twincest is wincest.** **  
** ***cackles again***

By this time, after expending just about all of his magic in his second bout of wandless fire magic, Harry passed out. **  
**

 **Oh,we can actually touch you?** **  
** ***pats head*** **  
** **Oh Harry,you so cute.** **  
** **...** **  
** **Just imagine what the girls will do with you once you are a bit older.** **  
** **Yeah,lucky little b*****

Harry heard none of this, being unconscious on the floor and all.

A silver cylinder materialized in the RDS.

 **Oh, that's something that'd be useful… if only Harry were awake right now, oh well. He'll see it when he wakes up.**

A folded card on top of the cylindrical object.

Writing on it saying thus:

 **MissHelpfulness:Poor Harry, subjected to all these horrible people making you see things you don't want to see. Here, something that should help.**

 ***hands Harry the MIB memory eraser pen looking thing***

 **Now you can erase all those horrible memories as soon as they come about... or erase other people's memories up to decades or their entire lives.**

 **Mwahahahahah!**

 **Huh… well I know the first thing he'll want to use it for to forget, way to go MrPosbi.**

 **I just hope he doesn't end up like Lockhart…**

 **Oh wow, that little thing is going to cause soo much damage…**

* * *

 **AN:** Another one done! Hooray!

Ok I Will be time skipping to September 1st next chapter, just a heads up, adjust your reviews accordingly.

Peace out!


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Hello, its me again, back with more after so long, but better later than never at all.

* * *

The morning of September 1st saw Harry go through his morning exercises to focus his magic. In the weeks leading up to the start of term for Hogwarts Harry had used the time extensively, almost solely focused, on controlling his magic for wandless casting. The only other thing that Harry had set aside, besides the essentials to stay alive, was rehash his canon knowledge.

 **Weeks upon weeks of the same thing for a preteen, how have you not numbed your brain?**

"I have you and the readers to thank for it, what with your gross sexual hints." Harry answered as he focused his magic to lift his reading material, while reading it.

 ***Low whistle* you're getting good at that. And they're called innuendo Little Grasshopper. Now you have a train to catch in a few hours, you ready to blow the mind of all the sheeple of Magical Britan?**

"Al help me if I'm not…" muttered Harry morosely. "Everything's packed where they need to be, I'm as ready as I'll ever be." Harry answered, his focus faltering for an instant, his book crashing to the floor. He would have used his M Reader but he didn't want to risk any falls damaging the device if it fell, books weren't generally delicate objects and Harry wasn't going to roll the dice of what was, arguably, Harry's most prized and valued possession.

"The train leaves at the chime of 11am at Kings Cross, there's a floo connection there, so I don't have to leave too early." Harry reasoned to himself as he thought on what was a decent time to leave for the Hogwarts Express.

 **There may be a connection, but imagine the traffic involved, and if you go at high traffic time there's no way you aren't going to get noticed by the masses. Oh I can see it now, the screaming fangirls and their encouraging mums.**

Harry's eye twitched at the thought.

"Screw that, I'm going early." Harry declared.

As Harry moved around to leave what had been his home for nearly a month, his left concha (middle part of outer ear) itched. This is what Harry was beginning to associate with an incoming review.

'Here we go again…'

 **Crazysister101**

 **Al! Didn't I ask you NOT to ruin his innocence?**

 **In my defence, I didn't do it alone, it was more you guys that did it with your horrible pictures, except the Bones/Tonks sandwich, that was a good one.**

 **The picture was... *shudder* You've now given him a terrible impression of the Malfoys, how is he ever supposed to meet Draco without flinching?**

Harry grimaced remembering the mentioned picture.

 **Harry, I am so sorry. I didn't think Al would take it this far.**

 **Well if you hadn't figured it out by now, I take the review and copy paste the thing, so I didn't do anything, you readers did.**

 **Anyhow, I can't wait to see what Snape's response is. I'm sure it will be very interesting.**

Harry too was interested to see what his mom's old friend would do.

 **Ooh, and the sorting ceremony! Please don't put him in Gryfinndor, he would do much better in a different house, and his opinions on *cough cough* certain houses won't be so biased.**

 **Well I seriously doubt after everything that Harry's experienced, what he's learnt from reading canon, not to mention the changes he's gone through as a result of the breaking of the Great and Sacred Wall of 4** **th** **… there's no way he's going to go to Griffindor.**

 **Or will he?**

 ***Evil cackle***

 **Put him in Hufflepuff for all I care, just not in Gryfinndor**

 **OOOOOh, Hufflepuff, where busty Bones will be, wouldn't that be something?**

Harry's face flushed at the mention of Susan Bones, damn that picture…he'd never be able to look the girl in the eye.

"I'll get you back for this Al, and you readers too for doing this to me, I swear." Harry promised vengefully.

Ten minutes later Harry was all packed up and downstairs saying a quick goodbye to Tom before flooing out of the Leaky Cauldron to Kings Cross Station.

(*v*)

So early to the station was Harry that he had a stupid amount of time to find a suitable train compartment (the same one as canon, funnily enough, hah) and get comfortable with his M Reader, going over the canon events of the train, having magicked his trunk up to the luggage rack (with a fair bit of concentration, mind you).

'Didn't have to ask where the platform was, so no Weasley intro this time…' Harry thought a little sadly. 'Though Ron might still find me things aren't going to go the same as canon…I couldn't bare the thought of doing canon on purpose.'

Que ear itch.

 **Amazing stuff, ZealotOneShotter, can't wait to see how Harry survives this.**

'Right let's give my God an even bigger ego, that'll make things go oh so well.' Groaned Harry.

 **Oh sweet praise, how I love the!**

 **Right, time to help everyone's favorite Potter.**

Harry put down his M Reader, retrieved a pad and pen from his luggage

 **Harry, in my opinion, the best idea is to get Moony teaching in a subject that isn't cursed. So, tell the Prophet about Binns, hopefully causing Dumbles to replace him, because really they can just move classrooms, and get everyone's favorite werewolf to teach History of Magic.**

 **Good point, too bad it's too late, you missed the train on that one, maybe next year.**

"Missed the… train…" Harry asked dumbfounded at what he just heard, face palming. "Come on Al, you can do better than that!"

 **Oh I know it was bad, it's why I did it.**

 **PS give Harry a pot of white chocolate fondue with strawberries, he'll thank me later**

A massive pot of white chocolate fondue popped into existence beside Harry, the smell quickly filling the train cabin.

Before Harry could really immerse himself in the delicious smell however he felt his side get poked.

Once again.

Then another.

Then yet another one.

"Al! I told you I don't like being touched! Quit poking me!" Harry snarled. Then his ear twitched.

Oh.

And he felt his body become smothered in hugs and kisses.

 **Crazy EvilManiac**

 **Heard you don't like being touched so...POKE HERE POKE THER POKE YOU EVERYWHERE! MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Make it HaryXLuna please! XXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXXO!hAHa**

And another twitch.

 **Hiya, me again, back to torture you. *Shows Harry a picture of every single Harry Potter character completly nude(including Dumbledore)* MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA** **  
** **Bye!:)**

A flip book of the aforementioned nude pictures appeared on his lap, Dumbledore's picture being the 1st one on the cover.

Harry, feeling horribly violated, promptly set the book on fire with his wandless magic.

But the book didn't burn.

Harry looked at the thing, aghast.

"That things fireproof!"

 **Hate to tell you this Harry, but just about everything given from reviews is indestructible, that books gonna be around forever.**

"Oh fuck."

 **Oi! Watch your language!**

"You aren't my dad!" Harry shot back.

 **No, but I am your God (in all ways that matter), I supersede any parental role.**

Que ear twitch.

Harry felt his body change a little, confusing him slightly till he took a look at his clothes.

Why was he wearing a dress now?!

And why was there a cake siting next to his fondue?!

And a huge pile of folded clothes next to that!?

 **Me, again! I give Harry the power to read minds, a black forest cake, a wardrobe full of muggle and wizard clothing and, oh yeah, a poster of ol' Dumbles, Harry and Voldy have a threesome.**

Said poster was unrolled on the compartments outside window for all to see.

Harry, listning quick, ripped it down, fighting the powerful urge to not be sick from looking at the image displayed on it.

 **And I turn Harry into a Girl for an hour and Al can't change him back and force him to strip and finger with himself!. Loads of kisses, hugs and gropes! Love ya!**

 ***Wince* oh man…well I guess it as a good thing you came to the train so early, hopefully this change will reverse before anyone else shows up.**

Harry, now Harriette, could only sob as he/she began to undress.

'Why are people so cruel?'

0v0

An hour later Harry returned to normal, clothes and all, his body slumping into the seat in relief.

Playing with yourself for that long was torture! And he couldn't do a damn thing about it, his body acting on Crazy EvilManiac's words the whole time!

Stifling a sob, which would lead up to a total breakdown if not halted, Harry's face scrunched up as the scent of the train compartment filtered through his nasal passage.

BLEUGH!

 **Such a shame your only 11, if you had have been older you might have enjoyed that, can you imagine if you were 15 and this happened? Think of the boobies!**

Harry's face flushed, despite himself.

 **Oh well…as for the smell, open the window and air it out or you'll have a completely different moniker around the school as opposed to the one used in reverence right now.**

 **i can hear it now 'The Boy who Smells'. No?**

Quickly, almost violently, Harry wrenched the window completely open than plopped down back to his seat.

And started to eat his cake and fondue which had been sitting there untouched the whole time. Minutes later Harry's mood brightened, not by much but any improvement was better then what it had been.

After 15 minutes of slowly eating at his cake and fondue, Harry left his compartment for the toilet, overhearing many a student who were excited to meet the Boy Who Lived.

'Aren't they going to be in for a shock…'

Ear twitch.

'Oh hell no…' with his experience from the last review he was dreading this one.

 **axc-o**

Harry let out a sigh, this one wasn't going to do anything ridiculous, hopefully.

 **Ok than, seems some readers managed to convince you to accelerate the plot.**

 **Yeah, kinda needed to otherwise events would've gone at a snail's pace, no thanks.**

 **With Sirius out that means access to grimmaul place and the Black account at gringotts. Maybe access to certain cup?... wait a min, why am I using indirects when Harry got the full story in the book saga he... Quick AL, erase the last two books! We don't want a depressed Harry!**

 **Yeah, can't help with that now, he's already read it all, though maybe he didn't really comprehend what he read exactly to feel the full impact of it.** **  
**

 **The info in those books has to be spoonfed as it's too heavy for such a young boy.**

Harry couldn't really say or do anything in response, being on the crapper and all, so settled for scowling.

 **And Harry, don't be mad at me or Al. It's just that those books have many character deaths and things like that, you will learn about them, just not all of them right of the bat.**

'A bit late for that…'

 **Moving on happier notes, how would you like a fedora?** **  
** ***sends a red hellsing fedora***

Harry's vision went black as a hat popped into Harry's head, covering his eyes. He quickly adjusted the position so he could see properly.

 **I was thinking, how much time you have left before Hogwarts begins?**

 **A few hours by my estimations.**

 **If I don't Wipe anything…you never know…**

 **You could travel around a while before going there. Check some magical places of interest, find allies, get some more magical pets; you know, live a little.**

Harry made a mental note to do that at the end of the year, screw what everyon else said, he read the books, there was no way he was going back to the Dursley household after knowing all he did.

 **Heads up!** **  
**

 ***sends firebolt prototype broom***

A broom handle materialised in over Harry's head, smacking him in the face. **  
** **Here, have some fun, maybe take Hedwig with you.** **  
** **Remember to return an hour before nightfall yong man**

Harry, missing the last bit, fought back the urge to cry out in pain, barely succeeding; the last thing he wanted was to broadcast to those now on the train where he was, regardless of how early it as he didn't want to take that chance.

And this newly acquired mind reading skill which he didn't know how to use yet…

Flushing his unmentionables down the pipes, Harry returned to his compartment with broom in hand and hat on his head, thankfully encountering few people. A quick glance at his watch (one of his various acquired objects from the stores of Diagon Alley) told him it wasn't too much longer before the student rush would begin appearing. Which had him thinking of who he could befriend of all the 1st years.

'If My Books have told me anything, it's who'd be a good friend…for the most part…' his mind going over the people he befriended in canon, surprisingly the standout being Luna.

'Despite being an absolute asshole for doing unspeakable things to Harry, he thought he could really enjoy seeing Luna as a very good friend.' He thought as he returned to his compartment.

Opening the door he sighed with relief seeing his things undisturbed and sat down, careful to put his newly acquired broom away, First Years weren't allowed their own brooms after all.

Harry retrieved a pad and pen and scribbled a quick note and stuck it to his sleeve, before taking out his MIB pen and flashing away the last hour and 15 minutes from his memory.

Harry shook his head to attempt to clear the fogginess his head was feeling when he saw the note stuck to his sleeve.

Had a really bad review, had to Flash it away with the M Pen.

1 hour 15 minutes.

Slightly curious about what that was, but trusting himself that he knew what was for his own good (his life at the Dursley's wasn't a total loss) Harry burned the note, taking note of the halves of leftover cake and fondue.

Shrugging Harry ate some more, he didn't really have much else to do.

'What is that smell?' Harry wondered as he crunched a strawberry in his mouth.

Harry's ear twitched.

 **randomplotbunny**

 **Hey Harry! I'm so glad you liked the gifts, though now I'm jealous. That M Reader sounds amazing and I want one of my own!**

Harry unconsciously retrieved the M Reader with his magic.

 **Oh, and a thought: Karma will get you if you copy/steal all the books from a store, but what about from a library or someone's personal collection? Wouldn't that be, technically, borrowing? And since the M Reader only copies information you can even copy the cursed books in the Restricted Section and read them without being screamed at or losing a limb.**

A mischevious glint sparked in his eyes.

 **Oh bugger…RPB what have you just done?!**

 **And so I'm not falling behind in the awesome gift department have another M-tech item! *RDSs a mini MP3 player with a infinite memory, already loaded with all of Al's favorite albums and singles, the full collected works of the Beatles, Dethklok and Weird Al Yankovic(all my favs cause I'm weird like that), an open download feature so any reviewer can load their own favorites just by saying they want to and allowing Harry to download songs he wants just by thinking of them.* Hope this helps pass those miserable hours in History of Magic!**

Harry brought down his trunk, opened it, and retrieved the RDS to see a small device with ear plugs, the mischievous glint in his eye dimming as Harry began to fiddle with his new gift.

 **Hold it! Put the RDS away and put your trunk back up top first before you... lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it you better never let it go… oh wow, ok that nearly got away from me.**

"What the hell was that?" asked Harry as he put his things away.

 **I nearly broke out into song… listen to Lose Yourself, if you can find it, not that you don't have the time if you don't care being rude…**

So Harry, now unobstructed began fiddling with his music player (thusly dubbed M-Pod).

Ear Twitch

Harry was a little confused, and a lot alarmed, as a very fine misty powder coated him from head to toe, sinking into his body through his clothes.

 **ReviewReader**

 ***Quickly sprikles Harry with Fairy Dust* There! Now you are protected from direct physical manipulation by reviewers. Now no one but Al can touch you, change you or do anything directly to your body or mind without your permission. Things were getting REALLY out of hand there.**

Harry sat there, still, unmoving as he processed the latest happening.

'This means no more pokes, hugs, kisses…nothing unless I want them! YES!'

 **Aww shoot, there goes, what, 2/6 of all the fun…what a can of worms this'll open, so many people will complain they can't torture *ahem* play with you anymore…**

 **But don't get too complacent now squirt, if readers** _ **really**_ **want something enough I might just give it to them.**

Harry, in the midst of a small happy dance, froze.

"You wouldn't…" Even with his M Pen things could get nasty.

 **If the price is right who knows what could happen… go back to fiddling with your M Pod, you don't have all that much time left till your *snicker* peace and tranquillity will be disrupted.**

Agreeing with this sentiment Harry returned to his M Pod.

His ear twitched again.

'Will I ever get to figure out how to use this thing?'

 **Misshelpfullness**

 **I have four books for you Harry, you're going to love them! -downloads books directly to M Reader- They are 'Mind Magics Made EZ', 'Wandless Magic for Dummies', 'Manipulating People for Fun and Profit' and '101 Spells, Charms and Potions for the Spy in You'. I'd start with the spy book if I were you, there's a charm in there that you put on yourself and it lets you know when someone is speaking a lie to you.**

Reluctantly Harry pocketed his M-Pod, he could figure that device out later, there was an idiots guide to magic he had to read, not to mention that lie detection one would save him dealing with a lot of people trying to sell him crap.

So engrossed in the Wandless Magic for Dummies book, the ear twitch he felt was ignored; so when he heard the iconic hissing of a snake next to his ear he nearly freaked out when a snake materialized around his neck **.**

 **SnakesRUs**

 **I have a delivery for Harry Potter!** **  
** **#Places a large tank with all assorted snake paraphernalia and a large bag of frozen mice(they won't melt thanks to magic) in Harry's trunk and an adolescent Black Mamba around Harry's shoulders.#** **  
** **This is Havelock(he named himself) and he loves to read(yes he can read, though his writing needs some work. I suggest using crayons), his favorite book series of all time is the Discworld novels by the late Sir Terry Pratchett. Now go forth and be friends!**

 **I've read a bit of that book series, very interesting stuff.**

"Never mind the books! There's a snake around my neck!" Harry nar cried out.

" _Oi! My name is Havelock, I'll have you know and I- OOOOOOH is that a book? Whatchya reading?"_ Havelock asked. Stunned at the snake _speaking_ to him Harry answered in a daze.

"It's not a book, it's a device with a book loaded onto it, and it's about Wandless Magic for Dummies." Harry answered.

" _Oh I see… are you dummy then?"_ Havelock asked curiously. Harry's face flushed.

"No, that's just what the title's called, it means wandless magic made easier to understand. And my name's Harry by the way. Feel free to read along if you want." Harry offered, trying his best to calm his racing heart to there being a bloody black snake coiled around his neck.

"Don't mind if I do." Havelock replied happily, his tongue flickering out as the snakes head positioned itself to better se he screen.

Que ear twitch

 **DumblesShouldDie**

" _WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"_ Havelock yelled as the name appeared in front of him.

"It's a review, this is a fanfiction story and this is the feedback." Harry answered.

"Ok, but what is a fanfiction story?" Havelock asked, leaving Harry to give a brief overview of the goings on.

" _OOOOOOOOOH… cool."_

 **Use the Memory Eraser on Dumbledore the first chance you get. Wipe out his memory of the last 80 years and have him hauled to the Janus Thickey Ward.**

"Ha, like that'd go over well. We need his wrinkly hide to fight against Tommy Boy." Harry said with a sigh.

 **But what did Dumbledore** _ **really**_ **do, besides head a vigilante group that was subpar at best… if you did Flash him so many different things could happen, when the wanker rezzes himself to full body form, if events should unfold like canon-**

"They won't, I'm not going to play the same role as canon Harry did, no way in hell." Harry said, resolute.

" _Uh Harry…who are you talking to?"_ Havelock asked, majorly confused.

"Oh I'm talkin to Al the Author of the story, the self dubbed God of this fanfic. Hang on, you can't hear Al speak can you?" Havelock turned his head side to side, no. "Well crap, now I'm going to look even crazier than I do now."

" _How so?"_ Havelock asked.

"How to put this… almost everyone where I'm going to school thinks talking to snakes is eeeeeeeeeevil and is painted as a Dark Art." Harry answered, a wee bit hesitant due to Havelock's 'newnesss' to everything around him.

" _Well fuck em."_ Was Havelock's blunt answer making Harry choke on his spit, the black mamba whacking Harry on the back with his tail to try and help.

 **Well Well, this snakes got quite the forked tongue… and obviously he can't hear me, he's a character in the story, as in part of it, only you can break the 4** **th** **Wall.**

"Great… even more watching my mouth around people…" Harry grumbled going back to reading. After a few moments of further reading Harry decided to trial some of what the reviewer's gift book said.

Harry's puke puddle vanished under his gaze.

"Sweet!" he cheered before feeling yet another ear twitch.

 **StoryLover**

 **I've read the reviews so far and, while slightly horrified and slightly amused, I have just one thing to say: randomplotbunny will not outdo me!**

 **OOOH BOY! WE HAVE OURSELVES A PISSING CONTEST BETWEEN REVIEWERS FOLKS!**

 **Who will give the better gift?**

 **Gives Harry an M-tech 10in Tablet in a lovely green case that instantly streams every movie and TV show ever made just by looking it up, including the Harry Potter movies. It also plays games and has a Reviewer Recommendation App so all media suggested by Reviewers for Harry to watch will instantly be pulled up and just one click away... also a parental control so Al can block some of the Adult things we sickos are likely to recommend.** **  
** **Take that randomplotbunny!**

Annoyingly for Harry, he had to retrieve the RDS from his trunk again to collect his gift.

"Holy cow…" Harry gaped.

 **Someone going Hindu?**

"Shut up Al… this is…"

 **Yes yes, I know it's cool and all that jazz but remember this, use these items around others at your own risk, they may be taken from you if found on your person, as they are unknown to everyone else.**

"Yeah yeah I know that already…now I have something else to learn how to use… huh, this must be what Dudley feels like on his birthday when he gets presents from the Horse and Whale… thanks StoryLover…" Harry was overcome with feelings he had only felt a few times when he got gifts from readers.

 **Be mindful of the time Grasshopper, with these gifts you can't learn how to use it all, choose what will benefit you the most.**

This seemed to break Harry out of his daze.

"Right…well music might be fun and will help me with History, if I can keep Hermione from tattling on me, learning the M-Watcher comes second to finishing my wandless books." Decided Harry taking the tablet in hand and placing it carefully into his trunk.

" _What was that?"_ Havelock enquired, watching Harry put his new device away. Harry took a moment to describe the M-Watcher to the reptile, whom was equally as impressed as Harry had been.

" _Very impressive, I may ask to use it in the future."_ Havelock replied, returning his attention to the M-Reader.

About to do the same Harry felt his ear twitch again. How did that start to happen anyway?

 **TheSuperMario**

 **Hm, would it be evil to give away to Harry the whole materia collection of final fantasy 7 and to also give him a glimpse of what is the horrid "dark side" of deviant art that is looming everywhere no matter what you search for. But back to materia, it could also give a bigger branch of wandless magic and when you see fit author, you can up the level or provide the almighty materia that grants every spell from its color class. Oh and materia can only be used for Al and Harry.**

"Wow… I don't even know what half of that stuff is but wow." Gaped Harry.

 **You and me both, from what I understand of it all, you're a bloody powerhouse with this stuff, jeez at this rate I'll end up writing that you kill the Big Bad no problem and your biggest issue after that will be chasing tail…**

"Chasing tai- Oh Al! Gross!" Harry gagged.

 **HA! You say that now, wait a year and a bit.**

"Still, having all this will mean I have to learn how to use it, and I only know the barest of this Final Fantasy XII stuff."

 **Same here Grasshopper, though from the brief glances at it that did a while back, it shouldn't be too hard. Of course this means dividing your time even more between what you want to learn to use.**

Harry deflated at that realization, where was he going to find the time to do all this, on top of the school work to boot.

 **Might be worth asking TheSuperMario if these things are single use items that vanish once you use them and their information is transferred to you.**

 **But alas there is always more.**

Harry was about to reply when his ear twitched and a massive anvil dropped from thin air out of nowhere missing Harry by the barest millimetre, crashing into the floor of the train and going right through to the tracks leaving a huge hole in its wake.

"What the hell?!" Harry yelped, Havelock hissing in equal surprise.

 **Verteller**

 ***Drops a massive anvil, from above, a millimeter in front of Harry, creating a large hole in the ground* AH HA HA HAA! Who said I was sorry for showing that HaRoFoy threesome? I am neither the enemy nor your friend.**

"Wow, what a tool." Harry said instantly, before his eyes gazed down to the damage to the train the anvil had caused. "Oh shit!"

 **Oh don't be so dramatic. Had I known that woulda happened I'd have changed the scene, as it is there's nothing for it but to do this…don't get used to it.**

 ***Wipe***

Harry looked around, it was the exact same compartment as before, everything sans the anvil hole and the anvil.

 **Reset to just before the lump of metal nearly turned you into a pancake and totalled the train. You're welcome.**

"Yeah, thanks Al…but why did you do that?" Harry asked curiously.

 **Eh, it was a scenario I didn't really know how to use. I mean ho can you use 'hole in the Hogwarts Express' as a part of a story? It'd just lead to questions you couldn't answer and that's get us nowhere so I hit the delete key.**

 **Moving on from the near death experience from Verteller…**

"Yeah…moving on…" Harry murmured, groaning when he felt his ear twitch again.

 **Hey, Harry, just figured I'd take a moment to point out:** **  
** **In canon, wizards NEVER fight against muggles.** **  
** **While a shield charm may be capable of repelling small arms, or even large caliber bullets, you have to KNOW you're being attacked in order to defend yourself.** **  
** **Here, these are on me. *Sends a sealed package with 2 berettas with attached silencers, along with a large amount of ammunition in a magically expanded and lightened box*** **  
** **I recommend you learn the Fidelius. Make the secret "Harry Potter is packing heat".** **  
** **Remember, these are EMERGENCY ONLY weapons.** **  
** **I also recommend you actually learn how to use them.** **  
** **Of course, you're in britain, so these are super illegal. So be EXTRA careful in applying them and practicing them.** **  
** **Oh, and one more suggestion:Check out martial arts. I had a idea where they could actually be magic that muggles learned how to use since it's more *physical*.**

"Even more to learn?! What the hell?" Harry griped as he retrieved the two very deadly guns from the RDS and giving them a once over before relocating them in his trunk. Heaps of things were going in there today…

 **So it's a mix up, depending on weather you take to learning some things like a fish to water, you may have to consider shelving some of this stuff, plan accordingly based on the events you know to be coming up from canon.**

 **As to there being more to learn...your going to a boarding school Grasshopper...**

 **If I can make yet another suggestion to crowd your head even more with, choose 2 or three to learn, canon you was decent-ish so use that as a template of what to be better at.**

"Yeah…sure…" Harry said, slowly putting his deadly weapons in his trunk of growing number of illegal goods. "I'll definitely have to learn the Fidelius if I don't want to meet the mouth of a dementor." Harry grimaced at the thought as he re-levitated his trunk back to its wrack.

Doing so landed Harry with direct line of sight out the window to the growing number of families amassing on platform 9 ¾.

"It's getting closer to show time…" murmured Harry as he returned to his seat.

To endure another ear twitch.

 **Hello Harry!**

 **So, today's the day, huh? The beginning of many adventures, and regrets about procrastinating on homework. Oh the joy! Last night I spent over 2 hours making notes and studying then looking at my friend's notes then studying some more, and I got done at 8:40pm. That test was today and it was still hard!**

 **So look forward to stuff like that!**

'The hell am I supposed to look forward to that? I'm not canon Hermione, and really neither will the Hermione that I'll meet soon…huh…' Thought Harry.

 **And yes! SCREW PARCHMENT AND QUILLS! But you'll still need those because the teachers will be like "you have a 3 foot essay due" or "2 scrolls" or I dunno stuff like that. Oh! Here's a binder to help organize! *gives 1.5 inch D-ring binder* Paper and tabs for organizing! *multi-colored tabs and college ruled paper* and a set of black, red, and rainbow pens! *three pen packs of different colors* there! I hope I'm not turning you into Hermione or anything... Hope this is useful!**

"Oh it'll be useful alright, not to mention kick an anthill when I start acting like a loon."

 **Mmk Al, I get the point now. And of course it's the time I take a break from fanfiction when every updates though! And to top it off, I should be sleeping because I'm sick and my birthday is Saturday and I don't wanna be sick on my birthday and- -*takes deep breath* Okay, I'm done ranting. WAIT! Harry, a map of hogwarts so you don't get lost. *waves* bye!**

 **-CS15**

Even though Harry knew about the Marauders Map, the map given to him was brilliant.

"No getting lost the first day of lessons for me." He declared with a grin. His expression dimmed as he saw a shadow run passed his compartment door, things were going to get complex soon. "Not to mention that this is a school…at least I know what to study for this time."

Getting back to comfortable Harry felt his ear go off again.

'When will this end?!'

 **MrPosbi**

 **Oh Harry,you don't want pictures like that?** **  
** **But I have so many more :(**

**Well,here is something which may be better for you.** **  
** ***gives Harry a picture book,a baby-toothbrush and a glass of mashed carrots*** **...**

 **Wow… way to patronize the protagonist.**

 **Right,you're a big boy now...** **  
** ***gives Harry a bottle of vodka,a pack of joints and a few condoms*** **  
** **That's what big boys want,right?** **  
**

 **Nope, you're not old enough for that, I'm taking that for myself!**

 **Wait a moment...** **  
** **We can send things,which we don't have...** **  
** **Can we send people?Or animals?** **  
** **Or...** **  
** ***completely mad cackling***

 ***sends in a bunch of Chrysalids,Sectoids,Nazguls,White Walkers and Uleb***

 **gl &hf**

Annoyed that he had to keep taking it out and put it back, Harry retrieved the RDS once again to see a dozen 10centimetre figures moving around inside the container, 4 of each type aimlessly roaming around inside the RDS confines.

"Somehow I expected them all to be bigger…" he said as he watched these creatures, whom he _knew_ somehow were supposed to be much bigger and more menacing but at present were like mini pets, run around the inside of the RDS.

" _What's that I smell?"_ quicker than Harry could react, Havelock struck, swallowing all 5 creatures whole. _"Hmm, tasty."_

'Well shit, Posbi's probably not going to be happy about this…' Harry thought moodily.

About to put the RDS back Harry felt an ET and paused.

 **Hey, It's me again, wow. It takes a lot more guts for me to review again then I thought it would. ****  
**

**That may be, but this story just wouldn't be the same without each and every review, wouldn't you agree Harry?**

Harry muttered a heap in unintelligible jargon.

 **I'll take that as a yes!**

 **Yay! We can give Harry things! Ima give him this. *Puts five plushies in the box four of the marauder's animal forms and a dragon* I know I know I suck, but plushies are awesome!** **  
**

Withdrawing a stag, grim, werewolf and rat plush toys Harry quickly pocketed the rodent before setting the other three to the side, he had an idea for the rat. He didn't have a childhood really, he as going to make the most of everything that was given to him and relish it.

 **Al, why do you keep letting people terrorize poor Harry!? *Pokes Al* can I**

 **No, not anymore you can't. No one can do anything to him without his consent, try it if you want but you will not succeed any longer because of that fairy dust from ReviewReader. Maybe that stuff has a shelf life though that works for a limited time, guess we'll wait and see won't we?**

 **That's not to say that you can't do that to me though, ouch, why did you poke me THERE of all places!?**

 **OH NO I HIT ENTER BEFORE I WAS DONE *Flails arms***

 ***Wimpers* I guess I'll just stop reviewing then cuz m so bad at it ;-;**

 **Well I can't really say much to that, except Harry might get sad that readers won't give him stuff.**

"Hey, don't make this about me, I'm not all that fussed one way or the other if people comment on your work, I just enjoy the spoils of it all." Harry shot back, eyeing the gathering crowd outside the train cautiously, feeling another ET.

 **oh, I just realized I never finshed that sentence... *Snickers* Since you're always so mean to Harry, Ima leave it unfinished Al~**

 **I am not!**

"You are too."

 **Am not!**

"ARE TOO."

 **AM NOT!**

"ARE TOO!"

 **Btw. Small question, if someone reads Harry's mind would they be able to 'hear' you too Al?**

 **-Fluffy Shadow Out!**

*cricket noise*

 **Good question, and no, only Harry can because he broke the Wall, anyone poking around in his head will just get a headache, won't be fun for Dumbles or Snapey huh Harry?**

"No way." Harry felt an ET. "God damn it…"

 **No, no I won't damn it, I like it this way; you'll just have to grow to like it.**

"You know that's not what I meant…" Harry muttered.

 **Hellsleep**

 **Hi I am French so sorry if my English is bad**

 **Like someone else you'll meet in a few years, Hiyo!**

 **I found this fanfiction while I searched for vinaigrette history and I must confess that it is one of the best fanfiction I have ever read,**

"Don't. Please stop. You'll stroke his ego." Harry deadpanned.

 **And my immortal is horrible do not smooth it is dangerous for your health (physical and mental), brief congratulations and good continuation,)**

 **Ps: I leave the choice to the author the choice that harry receive a cookie or ... er ... a ... dance ... migratory ... and ... circumcised ... of ... vernon ... Yes ! A migratory and circumcised dance of vernon dursley! Mouahaha. it does not make sense ? never mind**

 **Yes, well I appreciate it in the spirit it was given.**

"I'd have taken the cookie…" Harry grumbled, turning to finish the rest of his cake.

 **Pps: "gives a goat with lipstick to harry"**

"Whaaaaa?" Harry sputtered with his mouth full of cake.

 **Maybe you could give it to Aberforth…**

Harry snorted.

"Yeah, that'd go down so well…"

Strike of the ET!

"Oh for fuc-"

 **Hold your tongue laddie, that's not language for you to be using!**

"Sure, tell that to Dudley…" Griped Harry as he watched masses of students board the Hogwarts Express.

 **Wow we are horrible people, I swear Harry's probably gonna go all Jashin on most of the HP universe at this rate... That would actually be kinda funny now that I think about it...**

"That has possibilities…" Harry said with a gimlet eye.

 **Wait we can give Harry stuff? hm... can't beat them might as well join them.**

 ***Hands harry an Akatsuki cloak, and a box... with nothing inside... except for a miniature Padfoot, before shrugging and throwing in a book on how to make your eyes glow***

"Heh, now wouldn't it just scare the pants off Ron if he opened the door when I'm wearing this?" Harry couldn't help but chuckle at the thought as he retrieved the red cloud black cloak from the RDS before returning it to his trunk again.

 **Now now Harry, they're only children…**

* * *

 **AN: So much time passed yet so little advancement, I know I'm going to get flack for the long looong gap.**

 **Very sorry, family stuff got in the way.**

 **Next chapter will have more than just Harry and Al, which will complicate things, mapping conversations is HARD sometimes.**

 **That includes the sorting, obviously.**

 **I'll try not to leave it so late next time.**

 **This is your chance to be part of the story, review to take part, though take note you have to be very specific on some points, like the sizes of things you want to send, there are size limits, can't just magic a house out of thin air...oh wait never mind ..**


	13. Chapter 13

AN: been a while, but better than never. Have fun!

(^)_(^)

* * *

Harry and Havelock were happy just reading the M-Reader between them in their train compartment when the door slid open, a redhead looking in.

'Here we go…' mentally sighed Harry.

"Mind if I sit here? Everywhere else is full." The boy Harry knew to be Ron Weasley asked.

 **I find that ridiculously hard to believe, though given the more than likely happiness that magicals all over the world were feeling after Voldemort went bye-bye, it's quite possible many couples were doing the nasty in celebration for what you and your mom did ten years ago resulting in a boom in births.**

"Yeah ok you can sit here, you best mind Havelock though… he doesn't like to be disturbed from his reading." Harry answered after a moment's consideration, pointing at the floating book and the snake behind it sitting next to Harry. Harry was also mindful to have his Akatsuki cloak on with the collar high.

"That's a snake!" Ron yelped in shock as he got a glimpse over the book hovering over the reptile, halting the boy's querry about what Harry was wearing.

"You have a good eye." Deadpanned Harry.

"But snakes are evil! And aren't allowed at Hogwarts." Ron argued quickly.

"Not allowed as pets, no; but Havelock isn't a pet because I don't own him, he's more of a companion you could say." Harry argued back. Harry was very thankful for the cloak at this point and the brief look into the glowing eyes ability turned out to be an easy one to learn, as he was using it right now.

"Yeah, but snakes are evil!" Harry just sighed.

"Look, you asked if you could sit here and I said you could, if you don't want to because of Havelock that's your problem, you're free to leave."

Ron stood there, his mouth opening and closing unable to decide how to respond before giving up and storming off. Harry just shrugged, from what Harry remembered reading the books Ron had never been a very good friend when it had really mattered so Harry wasn't feeling all that bad at seeing the boat on that particular friendship pass by, or at least the early stages of it, there would be more opportunities.

 **Well well, decided to forgo the Weasley friendship ey?**

"No one said I _had_ to be friends with Ron, besides I could make friends with him later if the chance came by again, and understands that snakes aren't all evil." Harry answered.

 **Fair enough**

"Besides, from reading the books canon Harry was starved for friendship and took it the second he saw it when Ron opened that door. I'm not like canon Harry so I don't see Ron being as easy to stay friends with, canon Harry didn't like his fame, I don't really care about it and that's a big part of how things developed between canon Harry and Ron, I'll use it if it comes in handy whereas canon Harry wouldn't even think of it." Said Harry.

 **Just remember that means you don't get to bionk the Weasley girl quite as easily**

Harry blanched at the thought.

 **BAHAHAHAHA!**

It took a moment for Harry to shake the thought of doing _that_ with Ginny Weasley before he went back to reading his books.

*ET*

 **BlazedSoulofHate**

 **Yesssss! It's back! Thank the Seven!**

 **Testify! C'mon wave your arms like you just don't care! It's rave time!**

*Crickets*

 **No? Ok then, moving on, ahem.**

 **Hi Harry, more help is on the way! Please give Harry a ledger with the details of his ownership of a major stake in the companies Apple, Microsoft, Facebook, YouTube, Amazon, Google, Sony and Nintendo.**

The RDS chimed, though given his current location and time, Harry wasn't going to loot the RDS for his newly acquired ledger.

 **Trust me Harry in about 25 years sell these and you'll make Malloy look like a pauper haha, oh, and some more food, how about lobster with a butter sauce straight from a three Michelin star restaurant in France.**

The smell of lobster exploded about the compartment, extinguishing the last remaining smells of the _fun time_ Harry was forced to endure not that long ago and then erased from his mind.

 **Enjoy!**

 **You might want to put that into stasis, or share it with the passer-by's.**

 **Oh! You can put up a sign 'Lobster for friendship!' on the door of the compartment! That'd be sure to get things rolling on the social side of things.**

"Yeah…no."

 **Yeah? Well then enjoy this!**

*ET*

 **plums**

 **This was a fun concept at first, but I think you've "gone to the well" too many times at this point with all the review posting.**

 **BUT that's the whole POINT!**

 **It's just not entertaining and become a rather large distraction that I'm finding myself just skipping whenever I see one.**

"But that's how I get new things! How and I supposed to get support from you if you tell Al not to post them in the story?!" Harry couldn't help but cry out, before remembering where exactly he was and clapped a hand over his mouth. **  
** **You're really going to have to work on that, remember in book 2 Hermione said that hearing voices that no one else could wasn't a good thing.** **  
**

 **More plot, less crack!fic**

 **Well then, I see where this is going, I had a feeling that someone might get to that point, maybe I aughta just load all reviews on a virtual screen and have Harry read them on his own, guess I'll wait and see what happens.**

"You can't please everyone Al."

 **Very true Little Grasshopper. But it does raise a good point, reviews take up a significant portion of the posts I put up, so with that in mind…**

"Oh fu-"

*ET*ET*ET*ET*ET*ET*ET*ET*ET*ET*ET*ET*

 **Randomplotbunny**

 ***gifts Al a kiss from his Hollywood Star of choice***

 **Don't mind me Harry, I'm just going to have some funtastic time with 1995 Pam Anderson.**

 **That was a great save after such an... insane review, no child should have to remember such horrors. (Don't ask Harry, you SO do not want to know.) So thank you.**

Harry could only think this referred to the note he left himself about the time he flash erased himself.

'Could it have really been that bad?'

Yes, yes it could.

 **And I know who StoryLover is- I'm the one who sent them the link to this story in the first place!- so if StoryLover wants to try and out gift me then let them try, I will not be outdone!**

 **Whoo, that was FUN! What's this? Ooh the Gift War Continues!**

 ***gifts Harry with his very own Time Turner, it appears around his neck***

Harry held the trinket reverently in his hand, just a little bit in awe.

 **Use it well Harry, it'll take you back up to a full week- I suggest hanging out in the Room of Requirement or the Chamber of Secrets if you go back more than a day so you don't chance running into yourself-**

'This will be mighty hard to keep hidden.' Thought Harry.

 **and is charmed so no one else can see it, notice it or even suspect you have it unless you tell them about it and even then no one can remove it from you as only you can take it off**

'Oh cool! That's a load of my mind!'

 **plus no one else can use it if they do somehow get it. This will be your key to learning all you want in a little amount of time, just go through your regular school week then go back and spend the same week on your other projects while hiding from yourself.**

"Holy cow, that solves so many problems I was going to have." Harry as ecstatic.

 **Just don't forget what you were doing before you went back or else you'll get a reputation for being forgetful.** **  
**

 **Methinks a liberal use of personalized post it notes will come into practice very soon** **  
**

 **And might I suggest trying for Slytherin House? Once they realize your a Parsletongue and have the world's deadliest non-magical snake as your familiar they'll leave you alone, which is more than the other Houses would do.**

This particular topic, after being brought back to the forefront of Harry's mind made him pause, his exuberance at his newly acquired Super Time Turner (thusly known as the STT, patent pending) dying a horrific death as the debate on house placement killed it.

 **The Gryffindors would hound you to be a 'proper' idiotic loudmouth and kill Havelock, the Ravenclaws would bug you constantly to teach them to speak snake or translate snakes they bring in for their research and the Hufflepuffs would smother you in friendship and companionship to prove that their fear of you and your snake isn't stronger than House Loyalty.**

 **You gotta wonder what the Hat will say when it goes on your head… and the whole house system is crap too in my opinion, I even wrote a ficlet about it.**

"Didn't get much praise did it?"

 **No…**

 **StoryLover**

 **I would have found this story on my own eventually, so I don't take kindly to randomplotbunny's insinuation that I'm only here thanks to them! It just may have taken me longer to join the party is all...** **  
**

 **Don'y mind me, I'm just eating popcorn, I'm loving this!**

 **And while I may not be able to top a Time Turner (glowers heavily) I can give something just as useful.**

 **Ooh, we have ourselves a good ol' fassion showdown!**

 **So, Harry, meet your new House Elf! *House Elf pops into being wearing a butlers uniform with the Potter House crest and looking keen and well educated instead of abused and ignorant***

Harry gave a started yelp as the aforementioned elf appeared in front of him, looking at him dead in the eye.

" _Is this something new I can eat?"_ Havelock asked curiously, his attention drawn away from his reading at the elf's appearance.

" _No you can't eat me, Snakeskin!"_ The elf hissed back.

 **His name is Mort and he'll be working as your PA and managing your schedule as well as being your House Elf so you never get confused about when you are and what you're supposed to be doing then or had been doing before(temporal terminology is really confusing)**

 **Tell me about it mate, the stories I coulda come up with using temporal displacement…phew boy…**

 **as well as ensuring you always have something to eat and drink while in one of your secret hideaways. I've also ensured Mort speaks Parsletongue too so you can order him around in front of others without them knowing what you are having him do as well as giving Havelock someone else to talk too. I'm sure they'll have fun comparing notes on your oddities,**

"Havelock does not think that!" Harry spoke up, quite affronted by that allusion.

" _He does tend to talk to himself a fair bit, so you better get used to that."_ Havelock hissed to Mort whom was looking at Harry suspiciously.

 **especially that voice in your head you claim is your God. :-)** **  
**

 **OI! I AM his God! I'm the one writing this story so I'm the one decides what happens!**

"Yeah but the Real God gave human beings free will, you can write up whatever you want, but I can choose not to go through with it." Harry answered back, sticking out his tongue for good measure.

" _I see what you mean."_ Mort said, agreeing with Havelock.

 **And since I can't touch you anymore Harry then I'll leave you a large bag of Hugs and Kisses. Enjoy the chocolate!**

The bag of delicious goodies popped into existence in front of Harry.

 **Yoink!**

And promptly disappeared again.

"Hey!"

 **You already have too much as it is**

"I can get you some of those if you really want, Master Harry." Mort spoke up. Harry paused a moment from his mini sulking before shaking his head.

"No, that's ok Mort, I still have a whole lobster I have to get through." Harry answered back.

 **I'm not taking that, I don't eat seafood at all**

"Well that's good then." Harry quipped before taking a large section of lobster and breaking it off and eating it.

 **Eugh**

 **Axc-o**

 **Welkome back from oblivion dearest friend Harry!**

 **Let's go party! DOOF DOOF DOOF DOOF DOOF**

 **I'll just say, that I'm honestly sorry you have had to read the heavy parts of your canon story. It is not appropiate for a kid to have to learn about those things and even worse knowing they happened to a Harry that could have been you.**

 **Hey, you spoiled my party with you bringing up all the canon deaths! Shame on you!**

 **I really hope for your best and either hufflepuff or ravenclaw I'll continue to support you with my reviews.**

 **I'm leaning towards putting him in Ravenclaw, think of Luna Harry! DEAR SWEET LUNA!**

 **While I feel you're already as aceptably OP as possible I think, giving you a Silver Swooping Evil yoyo/golem is quite alright. It is a mechanical version of the little mind-wipping reptile. Enjoy!**

A blue and green winged mechanical animal popped into being next to Mort, startling the elf.

"What in magic's name?!" the elf yelped.

" _Can I eat that?"_ Havelock asked instantly.

" _It's mechanical, so no you can't eat it."_ Denied Harry.

 **I'll just come out and say it, I didn't watch the Fanstastic Beasts film so I actually have no idea what what about this thing except for what I find on the net.**

"Oh that's just fantastic." Groused Harry before explaining to hisnew elf the how's and why's of what just happened.

"So there is a God and only you can speak to him, ok." Mort said, accepting his master's words as fact.

"And this is all a story that Al the God is writing, and people that read it can post comments and give me stuff, which is where both Havelock and you both came from." Harry added on.

"Ok." Say what you will about their species but they accepted what their masters said and didn't argue without a very good reason.

 **Ok then, moving on**

 **Guest**

 **Noo, don't ruin the story with Hermione, she's a knowitall cunt the whole series.**

 **No worries there mate, don't much like Hermione either because of the same point**

 **Now that Harry isn't as socially stunted he doesn't need to put up with shitty friends just for the sake of having friends.**

Harry snorted at that. That was actually one of the things that Harry found really sad about his canon self, he never grew out of the conditioning from the Dursley's.

 **Just to fuck with Dumbledore Harry should ignore the stone that he brought in the school as a test for him.**

 **That has possibilities, I will admit, as Harry said though he has free will, I can put the scenario before him but he's the one that has to actually do it.**

 **Make him friends with Susan and Daphne just cuz it's so rare to have them in a pairing with him.**

 **Hey yeah, you're on the train, go mingle with the children, you're not the antisocial brat from canon after everything you've been through**

"Don't push me, I'll do something eventually…the train ride's only just started after all.

 **Verteller**

Harry's eyes widened in alarm.

"Oh….crap…"

 **Hello Harry dear. I'd ask, "miss me?", but it hasn't been that long for you. Well, you already have a bunch of... Things. So, I won't grant you any items this time.**

Harry waited on baited breathe, _something_ was about to happen.

 **I know this'll be a bit hypocritical, considering I started it, but here...**

Harry's body tensed up.

 **Now, whenever you see a nude and/or sexual picture, there will be censor bars over the necessary parts. Also your memory around the previous photos are now altered so you don't know who it was you saw naked.**

 ***FACE PLANT* Verteller you let me down!** **  
**

Harry let out a sigh of relief he didn't realise he was holding.

 **Also, Al? Is it harder or easier for you to write this fic, when there are a crap load of reviews? I'm curious.**

 **It's a little bit of both, I have to wait a certain amount of time for enough reviews to come in to use, but if what plums said earlier is more widespread amongst readers I may have to change it up somehow. More reviews means a far bigger impact of our dearest Harry**

Harry felt his cheek get pinched.

"Hey, cut it out!" he griped, embarrassed.

"What is he talking about?" asked a disturbed Havelock, who had gone back to reading until just then. Mort shrugged.

"I have no idea, must have been something to do with this God of his."

 **But since I'm just copying the reviews as they come and pasting them in, as I've said previously, the only thing I have to worry about regarding reviews is readers reviewing past chapters, and the impact of those is lost because they're talking about stuff that has happened and won't change.**

 **Oh and Harry? When your balls drop, you'll be wishing your didn't have this censorship, well, maybe for the guy on guy stuff that'd be ok, but the other stuff you'll be sorry you were given it!**

"Yeah yeah, you say that but I don't believe you."

 **UnKnOwN MaDnEsS**

 **HOLY SHIT this is Glorious and I love it. INFO TIME fairy dust/powder last around 3-5 weeks depending on how much it has to resist/take.**

 ***snicker* you were hoping that stuff was permanent, didn't you? Psych!**

"NOOOO! That's not fair!" Harry wailed. By this point Havelock and Mort were content to leave Harry to his madness.

 **GIFT TIME have fun dealing with this, I give Harry 1 naked Demontour/Voldemort hybrid with a boner good luck also next time I will give kindness instead promises.**

An idea struck Harry, who quickly retrieved his RDS and tipped the _thing_ inside it out before putting it back.

"Havelock, you can eat that! Quickly now!" Harry said with due haste. Right no he didn't care that thing came from a reader; that abomination had to _go._ Havelock didn't need to be told twice and launched himself at the thing in front of him, getting to work eating it.

"Mort, do me a favour and take Havelock and the…thing… he's eating to the Forbidden Forrest. You can stay at Hogwarts kitchens till I call for you again if you want." Harry commanded.

"As you wish, Master Harry." With a pop Havelock, the thing and Mort vanished. Harry let out a sigh of relief.

 **That was… very rude of you Harry. Shame on you!**

"I don't care! That thing had to go!"

 **Verteller**

 **Oh, I almost forgot. Harry dear, since you have so many things, perhaps you should take inventory and write down a list of everything in order to keep track of it all.**

"That's not a bad idea…"

 ***Pft* of course you'd say that**

 **And, since you have such generous reviewers, you ought to ask us for anything in particular that you feel you might need, such as fast reading glasses, or a "delete an RDS" ticket.**

"Well new glasses couldn't hurt…" mused Harry before he was interrupted by the door of the compartment opening revealing Ron and another redhead.

'Best bet, that's Percy the Perfect Prefect.'

"My brother says you have a snake in here, which is not allowed." The bigger redhead stated authoritatively. Harry quirked his brow.

"Do you see a snake in here? And what ever happened to knocking on the door? I could have been changing into my school robes! Show some courtesy, jeez..."

"Well what about that then?" Percy asked, pointing at the swooping evil that was hanging idly on the storage rack with Harry's trunk.

"It's a toy of a Swooping Evil, wanna see?" Harry asked with a grin. Percy blanched hearing this.

"No, no that's alright, sorry to disturb you." Percy apologised before closing the door, getting ready to rip into Ron for making up stories about snakes on the train.

'The things that boy will say to get some attention.' Harry heard from Percy, though he knew that Percy hadn't _said_ them.

"Must be that mind reading thing, that might get tricky to handle if I'm not careful." Harry muttered.

 **Hellsleep**

 **wow, my review is on a fanfic, i'm ... honored..** **  
**

 **Think nothing of it! The honour is all mine, truly**

"Quit sucking up to the readers Al, seriously."

 **well time to go, al can we give harry a book of spell from another world ?** **  
**

 **Don't see why not, Harry's already got a buttload of stuff from Final Fantasy 7, whats another fandom gonna do.**

 **like the Daedric magic of the elder scroll world ?** **  
**

 **Ok you got me, I have no idea what that is**

 **the demonic magic of the warcraft world ?** **  
**

 **or that** **  
**

 **or the plasmid of the bioshock world ?** **  
**

 **or that** **  
**

 **can we give him a xénomorphe ? or a zerg ? or a horse whit lipstick ?** **  
**

 **a zenomorph? Well maybe…** **  
**

 **(what ? i dont have a problem with animal whit lipstick.).**

 **now i thinking to that, (make appear two chest with the power of my mind) in these two chest there is two gift.** **  
** **but you can have just one of them, in the right chest there is a time-turner.**

 **Nice gift, but you already have one f those, a supped up one at that.** **  
**

 **in the left chest, there is seer ability.** **  
**

 **Don't choose this one! It'l take away all the fun of surprise! Think of the readers Harry!**

 **you have to choose, Because if you do not choose, i will do ... bad thing, like take a plastic bottle and put it her in the "not recyclable trash",** **  
**

 ***gasp of horror* NO NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT! THINK OF THE PLANET!** **  
**

 **yes i'm crazy mouahahahahahaha.** **  
** **choose harry but make the good choice.** **  
** **it was the crazy french ! bye.** **  
** **ps give to harry a some rats whit lipstick, eighty rats whit lipstick in a box for avelock**

"Well that explains a lot." Harry eyed the box of rats. "I hope Havelock doesn't have problems with the lipstick. Mort!" Harry called. With a pop Harry's house elf appeared.

"Yes Master Harry?" enquired the small creature.

"This is a box of mice for Havelock, take them to him please." Harry instructed.

"As master wishes." With another pop Mort and the box of mice vanished.

 **Monkeyman89**

 **I don't review on my stories for I feel I have to here.**

 **And I am ever so greatful**

"What a suckup…"

 **This is a great story and I'm getting a lot of laughs from it.**

 **I aim to please!**

"Please... stop."

 **And since I can give things to Harry. I think he needs a nice meat lovers Pizza and an earpiece that makes it so he can understand all languages**

As soon as he heard about the earpiece Harry was scrambling to get the RDS.

 **You could probably use that pizza as an intro tool when you go about the train.**

' **Free pizza, only costs your time and friendship, come get it'**

"Maybe something a little less…salesman like? And not as cheesy."

 **Bah! What would _you_ know?**

"That's not the point." Refuted Harry as he got the earpiece and fitted it to his left ear. It was like a secret service earplug but so much cooler because now he could talk to everything!

How couldn't that be cool?

 **You are one lucky bastard…**

"Hey, you know my parents were married when I was born, so I can't be a bastard." Harry defended.

 **Maa Maa, you're so touchy.**

 **Wolfoxymy**

 **Hmmm, I honestly hope you can keep yourself from talkin' to Al around people or Really push your Seer angle Harry.**

 **The best fun is had when people think you're crazy though! Quick who said that?!**

 ***casually makes it easier for Harry to keep himself from speaking parseltongue around others*** **  
**

 **Aww you have readers so involved in your interactions with your peers, don't you feel oh so special.**

 **Sweet! I can poke god!**

 **Oh shit…**

 **X3c I wonder if you're as short as another Al I know of, you know, from 'Full Metal Alchemist' ?**

 **That depends, it 174 centimetres (because, you know, I'm aussie and we measure length like that, hail the metric system!) considered on the short side? Let me know ey?**

 ***Boops Al's nose***

 **OW! For the love of-** **  
**

 **So, another slightly larger question, that may or may-not help. Are snakes even allowed in Hogwarts, I could've swarn the letter only mentioned owls, frogs, and toads?**

"Probably not as pets, but Havelock isn't really a pet, per se so I don't see a problem."

 ***nursing hurt nose* Ditto**

 **Also don't you already have Hedwig? Or is she still lookin for Moony like I suggested?** **  
**

(-)_(-) Elsewhere (+)_(+)

A determined snowy white own was determined to deliver this letter for her Harry, no matter how far she had to fly.

(-)_(-) Back to Harry on the Express (+)_(+)

 **Thanks! *Pats Al harshly on the head, and gives Havelock a rat, waving goodbye*** **  
** **-Fluffy Shadow Out!**

"What's with people and giving Havelock rodents? He's a Black Mumba for crying out loud, you'd think he'd be able to get his own food." Groused Harry.

 **Very. Good *Pat* Question. But you were the one to give him a lot of things you probably shouldn't have, because they were things given by readers and** **that is very rude.**

"I'm sure they'll get over it." Harry said dismissively.

 **Entroarox**

 **Ooooh, this is hilarious! But you just went and made poor harry go crazy didn't you...**

 **Everything has a price, besides I'm sure that deep down inside Harry enjoys it, being sane is boring, or so I tell myself.**

 ***Gives harry a identity-locked stopwatch that can stop time for everyone but him***

 **God almighty…first a super time turner now a Time Stop Watch?! Could we make Harry any more OP?!**

 **There, all the time you could ever want, just remember, it does not stop time for you, so you should remember to eat, sleep, and visit the bathroom... and maybe *other* things, eey ;)**

 **Because we (we meaning you guys, not me) couldn't** _ **possibly**_ **make him any** _ **more**_ **OP,** _ **could**_ **we?**

 **Oh right, you'll age wont you... *Gives harry a identity-locked bracelet that prevents time-travel and time-pausing related aging*, there that fixes that! :)** **  
**

 **I *face-plant*had *face-plant* to *face-plant* ask. *face-plant* Didn't *face-plant* I?** **  
**

 **Have f~un!**

"Should probably learn the shrinking charm so I can carry this thing around with me…"Mused Harry as he retrieved the RDS again for his new time devices. "And now I have the tools to accomplish that, thanks a bunch." Harry grinned manically as he equipped the latest of his space-time continuum bending devices.

 **I hope those things came with instructions, can't have you breaking the universe that I'm writing up now by wrecking the time-stream by accident.**

"What does this button do?" Harry pondered as he looked over his new doodad watch.

 **I'll make you watch Dexters Lab, just so you never say that again. *shudder***

"Huh?" asked Harry, who was going over the very convenient instructions for his new Time watch and totally missed Al's quasi threat.

 ***sigh* Just… get back to reading on your new thingamajig.**

 **DoomRiderKing**

 **laughs amused- Hiya harry- sends harry a potion through the rds that upon drinking said potion will give harry Eiditec memeory...perfect recall ...and make it easier for him to control fire based wandless magic-**

 ***FACE-DESK***

 **I love this story...it's so unique and funny...plus harry keeps getting a lot of awesome stuff...oh wait wanted to send him one more thing- Sends through the rds a needle with a healing factor spliced gene for him to imject himeslef with**

 ***FACE-GROUND***

 **ARE YOU SERIOUS?!**

Meanwhile Harry was happily helping himself to near immortality.

He'd just injected himself with the healing factor gene needle when there was, for the first time, a knock on the door. Stashing his needle in his cloaks pocket Harry opened the door.

To meet Hermione Granger.

"Have you seen-" she began.

"A toad, a boy named Neville's lost one. No I haven't seen one, but if you ask a redhead wondering the train they might just help you find it, Hermione Granger." Harry cut her off.

"How did you know that? How did you know my name?" Hermione demanded quickly. Harry looked thoughtful before gesturing for her to come closer.

"Do you really want to know?" he asked in a near whisper. Hermione did so she leaned in eagerly.

"I'm psychic." Deadpan.

"Well I never!"

"It's true, I can even tell you what colour underwear you're wearing." Harry continued making Hermione look at Harry in horror. Stealthily Harry used his Stop Watch to pause time and have a look.

All the perverse things that Harry had been exposed to had _definitely_ had an adverse effect on him.

Resuming his original position Harry pressed his Stop Watch again, starting time again.

"It's green, by the way, side white stripes." Harry answered cheekily with a grin. Hermione looked at him in horror before bolting down the train, running right past a trio of boys.

"Wonder who that was… probably a mud-blood." the blonde Harry identified immediately as Draco Malfoy sneered before walking again, stopping again almost immediately as he saw, meters from him, Harry in his black red cloud cloak.

"You're Draco Malfoy I take it, looking for Harry Potter, I presume to influence him on which families to befriend, hm?" Harry started off, putting Draco on the odd foot.

'How did this weirdo know that?' Harry heard Draco think.

"I'll tell you how, like I told that girl that ran right past you just now that couldn't handle it." Harry paused dramatically.

"Do you want to know Draco? Crabbe? Goyle?" three pairs of stunned eyes looked back at Harry's highly amused ones.  
"I'm psychic."

Que cricket noise.

"My father will hear about this!" Harry mirrored Draco in sync throwing the blonde boy off kilter before he turned tail and walked fast, because Malfoy's never ran, back to his compartment.

Harry laughed merrily, returning to his compartment to retrieve his meat lovers pizza and began a trek down the Hogwarts Express.

"Red Cloud Pizza!" he began calling out, casually passing the trolley lady as he did. "Get it while it's hot!"

(-)_(-)

Harry actually managed to sell most of the pizza before the Head Boy, Harry didn't care to hear his name, told him to quit it, go back to his compartment and change into his uniform. He did gain a sum total of 6 knuts from doing so though (he wasn't a savage after all and he had plenty of money to go around).

"If you can even call this a uniform, it's so… baggy." Harry griped as he sat in his compartment in his Hogwarts robes. Deciding on a better use his time Harry, retrieved his M-Reader and looked up the last book he was reading and continued where he left off.

He had said he was never using a wand to use magic and by God he was sticking to it, teachers or no teachers.

He took his mechanical Swooping Evil and began levitating it. After all he was only going to get better by practising it.

And so Harry practised his levitation till he heard someone approaching his compartment door an indiscriminate amount of time later.

'Heh, this'll be fun.' He grinned as it opened.

"Hello again Ms Granger, no I still have not seen Mr Longbottom's toad, or do you not remember asking down this part of the train earlier on?" Harry asked jovially as Hermione watched Harry float his yoyo.

"We're not allowed to use magic on the trai- where's your wand?!" Hermione gaped incredulously as she noticed that Harry wasn't using a wand.

"Oh Ms Granger, how very forward of you to ask such a question, and to think you don't even know my name." Yes readers had definitely destroyed Harry's innocence.

The innuendo swept right over the innocent Hermione's mind, whose mind had caught onto the tail end of Harry's words.

"Who are you?" she finally managed to ask.

"Miss Granger, you may call me Al's Disciple, the psychic, aka The Boy Who Lived, aka Harry James Potter achiever of the impossible." He announced.

Hermione just gaped at Harry, totally missing someone coming down the corridor of the train calling for her.

Turns out, it was Neville.

"Hermione, did you have…any…luck?" the heir of the Longbottom family asked, trailing off as he took note of the gobsmacked look on her face.

"Hermione what's wrong?" he asked, a little afraid of the answer.

"Harry… Potter…" she said in a near whisper, pointing into the compartment door he was holding open. Neville moved to Hermione's side to get a look for himself, and sure enough as he turned his head to look into the compartment, there sat a smiling Harry Potter, scar exposed as he whistled a tune, levitating a Swooping Evil above his head.

"Hi Neville Longbottom, I'm Harry Potter." The grin on Harry's face was…eerie.

(-)_(o)

Harry decided to, at that stage, put Neville out of his misery and summon his pet toad.

"OK Neville, want to see a magic trick?" Harry as having a heck of a good time.

"Sure…" Neville answered a little uneasily, they were wizards, of course they could do magic tricks but the way Harry said it...it as weird. Harry stood up, hands behind his back, hand on his Stop Watch out of sight of his spectators.

"Ok, one two three... Abra... Kedabra…." Harry pressed the button and time stopped, stepping into the middle of the train, cast a summoning charm for Trevor the Toad. Hearing a rustling of noise Harry followed it till he found the toad in question, quickly returning to his compartment, being careful to take position exactly as he'd left, with the toad behind him, with the new eidetic memory it was fairly easy.

And started time again.

"Alakazam!" called Harry, showing Neville his toad. Hermione and Neville gaped comically at Harry.

"That's not a spell!" Hermione managed to get out after a 15 seconds pause as her mind processed what she had just seen.

"Of course it is Hermione Jane Granger, you just saw me do it, didn't you?" Harry answered back with a shit eating grin.

"That's a muggle magician's catchphrase! How can that possibly be a real spell?! I haven't seen it in ANY book, AT ALL!" she demanded.

"You really want to know? It's a secret." Harry said in a hush hush tone to draw both Neville and Hermione in closer.

"I'm Harry Potter, that's how." That grin back in place.

Hermione's scream of frustration could be heard all over the train.

"THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!"

(o)_(-)

Harry couldn't remember the last time he had ever had so much fun, nor would he ever forget after attaining a Perfect Recall Memory, but like everything his fun came to an end as the Hogwarts Express came to a stop at Hogsmeade Station. Instructed to leave his trunk on the train Harry disembarked the train with Hermione and Neville. It had actually been an absolute riot as Harry explained to Neville why Trevor always fled from him, Harry's Lingo String (patent pending) as it turned out translated every language, even animal ones. If snakes had parseltongue it totally made sense that there was a toad language too.

"…hold him like that and Trevor won't feel the desire to hide from you and would stay put more often." Harry told the nervous boy. Doing as he was told Neville saw a drastic change in Trevor after a matter of seconds, whereas his toad would try to jump out of his hands, now it stayed put without instruction.

"How did you know that?" Neville asked, amazed.

"Trevor told me. Call me… Harry Potter… The Toad Whisperer." Harry declared waving his hand like a mystic showman, whilst grinning like a loon. Hermione, who was tagging along, huffed, she didn't buy that for a second. She was about to call Harry on it when a booming voice sounded over the platform.

"Firs' Years over 'ere! Firs' Years!"

"That would be Rubeus Hagrid, the Keeper of the Keys and Grounds of Hogwarts, he shows the First Years to Hogwarts." Harry answered Neville's just about to be asked question 'Who was that?'

"How can you know that?" Hermione couldn't help herself.

"Hermione…we've been through this already…I'm psychic." Harry told her, only a little patronising. Hermione just huffed as the First Years settled in near Hagrid who led them down a path from the station to a string of boats at a dock.

"Four t' a boa'!" they heard Hagrid call. Harry, uncaring or where he was took a few steps to the left, in the blind spot to other First Years as they loaded into the boats.

"Every'on in! and FORWARD!" Hagrid called again, with a jolt the boats started their smooth trek over the Black Lake towards Hogwarts.

Now, Harry had read the first canon book many times but actually seeing Hogwarts as opposed to reading about it, the experience was incomparable, truly a sight to behold.

"Beautiful…" Harry heard one of the girls he had boarded the boat with whisper in wonder.

"Yeah I know you are, but what about the castle?" quipped Harry. The platinum blonde hair in front of Harry turned to give Harry a 'shut up' look, eyes catching the scar Harry was now displaying for everyone to see. "Nice to meet you Daphne Greengrass, I'm Harry Potter." Harry enjoyed the rest of the journey across the Black Lake with dumbstruck passengers.

Reaching the end of their destination, the boats docked themselves and The First Years disembarked, following Hagrid as he led them all up a long path, to stairs, and more stairs to even more stairs till they made it to the large gates of the Entrance Hall, where Hagrid led them towards the closed doors of the Great Hall, where Professor McGonagall was standing, waiting for them.

"The Firs' Years Professor McGonagall." Hagrid declared.

"Thank you Hagrid, I will take them from here." She replied dismissing the giant man.

'Insert stupid house speech, yada yada yada, house will be your family, points this, cup that, blah blah blah.' Harry mentally droned as Professor McGonagall gave her speech. Then she left for a few moments through the doors behind her.

Nearly as soon as the doors had closed again Harry saw Draco make a move to stand on the top step above everyone else.

'Trying to seat yourself at the top? Na uh.' Harry thought as he made a move and beat Malfoy to the intended spot.

"As some of you may know by now, I am Harry Potter, as some of you may also know, I am a powerhouse." Harry spoke out loudly and with droves of power radiating off of him.

 **I get knocked out by a ground- plant, wake up, and see you're suddenly at the pre-sorting saying THAT?**

 **HELL NO!**

 ***Wipe***

Harry was being let up the stairs to the Great Hall Entrance by Hagrid again. Harry winced, this meant he's have to listen to McGonagall's House spiel again.

 **Where to put you, I could always just follow canon and dump you in Griff but you would more than likely tear that place apart as you are now and that would bet dull to write very soon**

'Great,' Harry bemoaned internally. 'I traded tuning out one speech on the house system from one person, for another.

 **Ravenclaw has possibilities, but I'm craptacular at riddles for that blasted Raven statue. But your upgraded memory wold definitely make you Ravenclaw material, and your Time Turners, and your Stop Watch…bugger me, all you'd need now is an Eye of Agamotto equivalent and you'd have the whole spectrum**

'Eye of Aga-whata?' Harry thought, confused.

 **Hufflepuff** _ **could**_ **work, I suppose… it might teach you how valuable friendship can be, might actually get a friend of two in the process as well; not to mention you're Head of House would care a lot more about you than the others would, because of what Hufflepuff stands for.**

Harry's eye twitched at that possibility.

 **And last but not least, Slytherin…if you went there you'd cause a shitstorm of epic magnitude, what with your Super Harry Status you wouldn't just be great…you would be, dare I say it, Godly.**

 ***Shudder***

McGongall had finished her speech for the second time and departed through the door.

As before, Draco made his move.

"So it's true then, what they're saying on the train; Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts." The son of an aristocrat spoke up, gaining everyone's attention.

Harry clapped mockingly.

"Yes I, Harry Potter, Lord of Time, self-assured psychic and all around powerhouse, has come to Hogwarts. Those that wish to befriend me be warned, I will know if you have something else in mind, I will not be making friends with the wrong sort of people." Harry said clearly so everyone around him could hear.

The clutter of First Years broke out into muttering, from mutterings of 'pompous prat' from Ron to Malfoy's 'we'll see about that.'

All that chatter was broken as the swarm of ghosts descended from above.

 **AH! I think I've got it! I have a solution!**

'Fan-bloody-tastic…'

 **You'll like it Harry, it's a doozy**

Far too slowly for Harry's taste, but McGonagall finally returned and ushered the First Years into the Great Hall.

Like with the first view of Hogwarts on the boats, the Great Hall in person had nothing on the Great Hall in the books.

'Imagination can suck a dick on reality.' Thought Harry as he came to a stop.

"When I call your name, step forward." McGonagall began. "Hannah Abbott."

'Aphabetic last names then, what fun.' Harry thought, absentmindedly counting the floating candles.

He for to 42 when he heard his name called, and the Great Hall fell to a dead quiet so quickly you'd think they'd just seen a man die.

Letting out a sigh Harry approached and sat on the stool, the Sorting Hat placed on his head.

And Time froze.

"That...wasn't me." Harry said, just checking his Stop Watch to be sure. It wasn't him. "Al, what's going on?"

 **My House solution!**

 **Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls...welcome to the House Auction!**

"Oh shit..."

* * *

AN: I did say the sorting was going to be in this chapter, but i never said anything about a solution, not an ironed out one at any rate.

So folks, here's how it's gonna work.

the house with the most points wins, 1 review = 1 vote for 1 house and the house with the most votes wins. please do give a reason for your choice too to validate your vote.

Eventually, the votes will close and the answer given at a later date.

If what plum said is more widespread and agreed on, i'll find another way to go about it if i have to but not if it's a minority, like in an election, majority wins.

Until then...

Oh, I only just realised as I was editing this in the document manager that (-)_(-) (+)_(+) these things look like boobs. wooops -_-


End file.
